Post # 1
Last year, on Valentines day, my boyfriend brought to my work some chocolate and a letter. In the letter he explained how much he loved me and said that he had asked his mom for her old wedding ring. His father passed awat in an accident the day before their marriage (before my bf was even born) so that gesture alone really was special to me. None the less she could not supposedly find the ring so in his letter it explained that he could not find it but he had been thinking about it lately and wanted to ask me but he wanted a ring first and wanted it to be perfect. He also said that if I did say no when he asked that he wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection.
So I waited… In August I had a pretty serious medical event happen which put me in a rough patch. I was a basket case and tired of waiting so I asked him, in a letter none the less. He said yes and we agreed to keep it between us until there was a ring. About a week into this “engagement” if that’s what you want to call it, with just the occassional “future wife” comments and such… Well with my spirits still low from the medical deal, in a hissy fit I asked him if he wanted to call off the engagement. I guess to him this meant I did. Crossed signals. So it was called off. Only to later find out that it’s not what either one of us wanted, just what we thought the other wanted. None the less no talk of engagement since and that was in August.
I will bring it up on occassion. I wont lie, I was hoping for it yesterday given last year but… My daughter gave me the candy and card from him. He had her sign the card and all. He wrote me a nice long letter like last year but nothing mentioning marriage.
So here I am waiting. Not sure what else to do. This has been all kinds of confusing from the beginning. I just want the assurance this is going somewhere and not just for the moment. I want to know it will happen in the next 2-3 years and honestly, I want a ring to keep the creeps away. So now I’m at the step where I am printing out wedding rings and hiding them in my things (that I know he will go in for something) and hoping… We’ll see…
How do I nudge this along without messing it up more than I have?
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
Well, how did you both find out neither wanted to call the engagement off? Why wasn’t it back on once you 2 made up? You said you bring up getting married on occasion. Is he still open to it or does he shut down? He may have cold feet and scared of what you’ll say if he asks. Or scared you guys will get engaged again and break it off again. Men are far more sensitive that we give them credit for. My mom once told me that the most fragile thing in the universe in the Male Ego.
Post # 4
I’m not sure what the solution is, and every relationship is different. That being said, most guys I know would distance themselves even further if they found out their girlfriend was printing off pictures of wedding rings for him to find….
How do I nudge this along without messing it up more than I have? Not sure how to nudge it along, but printing rings might mess it up further… Just my opinion. Hope things work out! 🙂
Post # 5
Communication is important. It sounds like he doesn’t know that you actually do want to marry him and that you realize you were wrong back in August. He may be scared that if he does propose you will “call it off” like you did before. I’d say just hash it all out and let him know that you’ve always wanted to be with him (even during your medical issue) or if you want, ask him again like you did before!
Post # 6
I know this is really hard but not too long ago my SO and I had “the talk” about the whole marriage thing….it kinda turned into an argument..he said that he wanted to marry me but he did not like me bringing it up all the time or making hints at him. he said he wants to do it on his own and it would mean more if it was a suprise. like a complete surprise without me hinting er anything. maybe thats what he wants to do? i think if you keep pushing and hinting it will prolong it and he will get frustrated. I completly stopped talking about it after that and for V day I got what my SO calls a “pre engagement” ring. I wish the best of luck to you and I know how you feel with the false hinting from him and promises. 🙂 It will happen!
Post # 7
Thanks everyone! The story behind all of this… Once we talked about getting married we decided that we would wait to tell our family until of course he had the ring and that we would hold off on actually getting married until we were both done with school. Sounds good to me, still does.
When we were arguing though I was down as I said and it kind of put his spirits low, he really doesn’t like me being upset, it hurts him. So he’s sitting there trying to figure out how to make me happy but getting no where because it was my health why I was so low, and only getting in better health (which I am in now) was going to pick me back up. When I was down and he was upset he couldn’t make me feel better we both started questioning eachother. He thought he was why I was upset and I thought I was why he was upset. So being shortly after (about 2 months later) the talk of marriage I asked him if he was upset because of the talk about marriage and if he wanted to just call it off. He asked me if that’s what I wanted. It was one of the cliche fights. He always thinks when I ask him a question I’m asking because I feel that way. So he assumed when I asked him if he wanted to call it off that I was wanting to call it off myself. I didn’t know that until months later. He’s always been like that, I should have known at the time but as I said I was kinda in the dumps at the time.
So after things go back to normal, my health gets better and all I brought it up with him again. The first time since it was called off. In a non heated duscussion I asked why he wanted to call it off. He said he was confused and thought that I was the one to call it off because I brought it up and that he wasn’t thinking that at all when I asked. So I kinda screwed it up (in my defense I was going through a lot at the time, he knows that. That’s why he didn’t leave my crazy butt in the midst of all this). I told him like I always do that when I ask him a question about how he’s feeling that it’s not because I feel that way, it’s because I want to make sure he doesn’t and that we’re still on the same page in the relationship.
We’ve been together for 28 months now. We’ve lived together for 23 months. He talks about “our grandkids” frequently but also sometimes will say “my grandkids” being about 80% “our” and 20% “my”. The hints that I give him… Other than the ring pics I leave from time to time (and I’ve only done this 3 times… ok maybe that’s a lot…) Before Christmas he was talking about getting me jewelry for Christmas. I told him “I don’t need jewelry, really get me something else. Unless… the only jewelry I want from you is a certain ring…” and I winked, he laughed and we kissed kind of thing. He got me a necklace. Beautiful necklace and really I wasn’t expecting a ring at the time so I was happy.
But we live together, I have a daughter (and they both love eachother) and I can’t play a waiting game. Give me a 3-5 year engagement… Fine, at least I know it’s going to happen sometime. Just ignoring the topic for the most part and me following waiting and hoping… It’s not working so much. I’m not just risking myself getting hurt if he never pulls through, I’m risking her feelings too. I’ve been thinking lately, if he doesn’t see a future… Maybe it would be best for my daughter if I were just single instead of letting her get attached and heart broken… But maybe I’m just overreacting IDK
Thanks again for all the replies 🙂 I think I’m going to talk with him tonight and explain that I’m needing this to happen at some point in the next year or so, at least the proposal and the assurance that the marriage will happen eventually or I’m going to end up pulling away. If I don’t feel like he sees a future in it I’m not going to want to put all I can into the relationship if it’s going no where. Sorry to write so much, I tend to do that. He’s an incredible man, I’ve never been so sure of any man but if he’s not so sure, I’ve got to unattach a little. But given previous experiences I will need to find the perfect way to word this so he doesn’t take it the wrong way like last time… Thanks again 🙂