(Closed) The luck of the listkeeper… (long, sorry)

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3312 posts
Sugar bee

I am sorry the ring isn’t a priority to him right now. I am so rooting for you- and I hope he changes his mind and proposes this summer. The talk you both had should help things out some. *hugs*

Post # 4
569 posts
Busy bee

@purplebee: it sounds to me that in your conversation with him you were minimizing your feelings. whiuch isn’t good. you should let him know exactly how you feel if you’re telling him your feelings. there’s nothing wrong with that. but if you say you’re “ok with him doing it whenever” and you’re not, that’s not fair to him. becausew he will wait longer and longer  thinking, “well she said she’s ok with it” of course he’s going to keep it back on the priority list. i’m not saying you should try to force him to do anything. but you should be totally honest about you’re feelings for both your sake.

Post # 5
196 posts
Blushing bee

Oh no, I’m sorry purplebee. It’s so hard knowing that money is going elsewhere, even if it is something that needs to be taken care of. I really hope that he changes his mind, especially since he know how hard this is for you. And try not to worry about “ruining” his surprise; he probably shouldn’t have said so much. *hugs*

Post # 6
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Ohh this sucks. Im so sorry that your feeling down!! I would just say hey I know this may seem stupid to you but its something thats really important to me, and I dont see how we can spend all this money on stuff we dont really NEED and you cant do this..

I am crossing my fingers for you. The day will come 🙂

Post # 7
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s lame that he wants you to wait 6 months beyond the timeline you are comfortable with just to do it on an over-commercialized holiday. Just….lame.

Post # 8
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@Sweetie Pie 21: Also, I second everything you said. OP: stop minimizing your feelings! Don’t give him months and months of buffer time if you really aren;t ok with that!

Post # 9
492 posts
Helper bee

All I want to say is ***hugs***…..I’m am Team Purplebee….Good Luck honey and I hope it comes soon.

This time last year I had an original “date” of June 2011 (a couple days of way). I am supposed to be almost a wife in my perfect world. Yet there were job issues, etc. that came up where he couldn’t and didn’t propose. And even though I’m still not engaged I feel like it all happened for the better due to economic and financial reasons. In our current situation there is no way we would have been able to carry out the type of wedding we wanted with having us both changing jobs, etc. Now it’s set for March 2012 because Summer to him was too far away and he felt like he’s made me wait long enough. I guess that’s a plus BUT that’s only 9 months away and it’s dwendling down each day on how long I have to plan, enjoy being engaged, etc. I’ve always wanted a spring or summer wedding so it works out. Plus I like the date a little better especially for the Destination Wedding. I get in my moods and without words he IMMEDIATELY knows what’s wrong. So he then starts to try to throw little things out there about marriage, engagement, children to get me to feeling better. But none of it really works. I just kind of get over it I guess. 

So after not being able to marry on my original date I feel lke it all worked out. And now that that date is approaching I really don’t feel bad and really thank God that I didn’t have to endure planning a wedding while both or one of us were unemployed. Yikes!

Everything happens for a reason hun. And the moral to my story is that even though it’s depressing and heartbreaking right now it will all be worth it in the end. You still get your wedding day and husband. That’s what’s keeping me sane right now knowing that. My SO knows that I’m totally getting impatient and just want to be engaged like yesterday.  

Post # 10
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Sorry purplebee.  I unerstand not wanting to make it fee like you forced him into it, or took away his enjoyment of it.  I really don’t think men get how awkward being “on the road to being engaged” can make you feel as a woman – it’s a kind of limbo where family and friends will still be asking when? when? when?, and you, being the woman trying to adhere to some still traditional gender roles has to pretty much sit tight and wait with the same when? when? when? beating in your heart. 

To a man, if he’s made his mind up and is just waiting to get finances or whatever together, thre’s really no “waiting” analogy to compare.  They pretty much know by this point (by the time you’ve had “The Talk” at least once) you are going to say, “Yes,” and even with the pressure to make it special, memorable and romantic, they don’t feel the daily winces of what an be seen and felt as rejection.  They have one – two monents/nights/(maybe weeks) of nerves, depending on the amount of elaboration their proposal will have, maybe a few quandries about the ring itself, if the couple never went shopping together for it, and possilby, for old fashioned guys, the moment of asking her parents’ permission.

The waiting lady has to take every night out, every glance at her left hand, every nosey relative’s question, every well-meaning friend who proclaims, “You’re next!”, and every question of , “What’s he waiting for?” “Are you guys EVER getting married?” and so on to heart, and try not to let such things phase her.

One poster commented on the OP minimizing her feelings.  She kinda has to, to some extent – especially in public on a day-long shopping trip.  You can’t be 100% open in public, not about soemthing that can make you want to break down in tears like this (I know – I put on “the smile” when I have to, because tears A) literally, scientifically turn men off, and B) There’s a time and place to talk about these feelings, and thre are lots of times and places not to).  I know the BF needs to know how she’s feeling, but also, making him feel like crap about it might only postpone him even more by making it even lesss something he wants to put time into, since all it means to him is she cries, or he “gets in trouble”, meaning she cries.  Minimizing, or controlling your feelings as best as you can is a defense mechanism – no woman on this site that I can see wants to feel her BF proposed to and married her out of guilt, pressure or anything other than his desire to make her his wife… on his own, in his time.  It’s just that modern life makes marriage more of a “maybe” for lots of guys than a “when”.  So more often than not, the woman will be waiting for the man to “catch up” to her and agree that marriage is desireable, and do-able. 

Puplebee, at least he was honest with you, and while he knew it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, he didn’t beat around the bush too much.  Again, as a guy he doesn’t understand how a non-married-but-in-a-relationship woman is treated by people, and by herself.  He’s got the idea that as long as it gets done in time to plan a wedding by August 2012, he’s got it covered, not realizing that it just keeps you in limbo even longer.  ((((HUGS))))

Post # 12
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sometimes waiting is just harder than others. Keep focused on the good parts. Married next summer!

Post # 13
1295 posts
Bumble bee

Well I hope he does take your feelings in account and proposes sooner than later even if it’s December of this year.  This year is better than next year which seems so far away.  *****HUGS*****.  I secretly hope he is doing this to throw you off and proposes in August I guess only time will tell.

Post # 14
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@purplebee: Such a tough situation to be in!  It’s so hard to try to explain to guys what the “waiting” is like and how stressful it can be!  Best of luck to you and hope that you get your engagement sooner rather than later!

Post # 15
3636 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

🙁 Firstly, I’m sorry you feel this way, and I understand why, but this is how I see it:

Your man wants to marry you! Not only that, but he has been thinking about when to propose and why for a while now. He came up with a way to make a holiday special for you so that you can enjoy it. That is incredibly sweet! Does he enjoy V Day more than you? If so, he probably wants to find a way for it to be special for both of you. He was really excited about this idea and had thought it through. 

Now yes, it’s not a soon as you would have hoped, but he still wants to try and give you the wedding date you want, whilst having the proposal that he’s been dreaming of. 

He wants to marry you! He wants to make the proposal special! Silver lining? 🙂

Post # 16
361 posts
Helper bee

I can see this from both sides. On one hand, I can see that still getting the same wedding date is the win on this situation, even if you don’t get to be engaged for long. On the other hand, you’ll be missing out on enjoying being engaged. You’ll rush to plan a wedding, and be stressed and not just take your time and pace yourself. It’s a horrible situation to be in. I’m sorry.

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