(Closed) The magic is gone.

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
6350 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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pepperzo1 :  Sure you have to work at it sometimes. But you should NOT be going into the marriage that way. This is when you should be your most happy! It should feel like the easiest decision in the world! 

Post # 17
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Marriage shouldn’t be a battle. Marriage can be challenging when you’re in love and going through hard times, but it’s impossible when you’re not in love and already unhappy about what should be one of the happiest days of your lives together. Why would you settle for a lifetime of struggling? Sure, starting over is rough, but you know what’s more rough? Wasting your life pretending to be happy in the hope that maybe if you smile enough, it will become genuine. Or looking back and wishing you’d been brave enough to give yourself a chance to find happiness after you realized you didn’t have it. Or going through divorce. Those are hard. This shouldn’t be that hard. 

Post # 18
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I dated my ex for almost 6 years. I was unhappy for the last 2 years of the relationship. I broke-up with him when I was a few months shy of my 30th Birthday. I was terrified of starting over. But it was THE BEST thing I could have done! If you aren’t feeling it now, it won’t get better when you’re married. I’d cut my losses and start over.

Post # 19
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Marriage is actually pretty easy if you’re in the right relationship.

Post # 20
9439 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Marriage doesn’t have to be hard. It really doesn’t. And if the relationship doesn’t feel right now then you shouldn’t go ahead with it. It sounds like you are only staying because you have been with him for so long but that’s an awful reason to stay. If it’s the right relationship it doesn’t feel like work to make it work.

Post # 21
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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pepperzo1 :  sounds like you don’t belong together. Engagements and getting married are an exciting part of life. Granted there may be stress in planning for those that do have big weddings, but it should be a happy time.  Your thought process shows that you guys probably aren’t meant for each other anymore. Sometimes people go back to what they know because its familiar not because its right. And I still can’t wrap my head around how many bees have “planned engagements” and specific timelines. How can it even be a surprise? I guess im not that in to the new day stuff. My husband saved for a ring without me knowing and proposed without me knowing once we were at the point that we knew we wanted to get married.  Nevertheless this should be an exciting time not a time where you are uncertain in your relarionship. 

Post # 22
281 posts
Helper bee

Your title says it all,  the magic is gone.   Not leaving,  not fading away,  gone!

Post # 23
4933 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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pepperzo1 :  That is what people who should probably not be married to their spouse say…..

Life can get difficult, be full of stressors, illness, deadlines etc. Marriage isnt difficult with right person. You marriage should always be your shelter and support from all that external sh*t.

Sure you fight occasionally, sure you get annoyed when you find his dirty clothes on the hamper and not in it but they are the small things that are insignificant compared to the laughs you share, the umpromted hug you receive when they realises how crap your days been etc The ‘amazing’ should always outweigh the ‘not so amazing’ and even then the ‘not so amazing’ should be really insignificant and not so bad at all.

If you are not excited to marry him and are already feeling like you are sacrificing yourself for him. Don’t marry him, he is not for you. 

Good luck bee. I hope you find your answer xx

Post # 25
334 posts
Helper bee

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pepperzo1 :  marriage is work. even in the best of marriages there are bad days, weeks, months. if you are married for life, it’s very likely you will have bad years. I spoke to one couple that was married 50+ yrs and they had a bad decade. BUT the real quetion is … what about the good times? Are they good? You don’t need to have that gaga “in love” feeling necessarily. But you should have a sense of peace and of “coming home” so to speak. That peace in your core about the relationship is what will get you through the times of struggle. I totally agree with PP that your brain is doing a self-preservation thing. This happens all the time with people who go through the wringer.

It IS possible to learn that joy of hope again … but consider talking to your bf and asking to wait until you’ve found it again. 

Post # 26
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You really need to take this time to reevaluate y’alls relationship. One of my bff was in a similar situation. She dated her ex for awhile and they had hit so many rough patches in their relationship. They broke up for about 6 months and got back together. Well she came to realize that she wasn’t in love with him anymore. He was already planning to propose to her and she battled back and forth about accepting the proposal and marrying him. At that point, she knew she was settling and wouldn’t be happy if they got married. Yes marriage is work but it’s also a beautiful union.  That doesn’t mean you should just accept and settle for someone just because you have that “might as well” feeling or you fear of starting over. Trust, you will be miserable if you go through something you’re not 100% happy with.


Post # 28
1668 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been in your shoes- dumped, heartbroken, we got back together and he swore he loved me more than ever… But I never felt the same passion. It’s because now we know the relationship has limits, love is not unconditional after all, broken trust it won’t happen again. When I was in love the sky was the limit! But after breaking up and reuniting, there was a glass ceiling. We stayed together years after the breakup but I never felt completely happy. I felt tired and defeated, nothing mattered.

I think your heart is telling you you don’t love him anymore. Your head wants him, you’ve invested do much in this relationship that you don’t want to lose it.

Post # 29
37 posts
  • Wedding: February 2018

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pepperzo1 :  I started over at 28 after 9 years. Harder to start over at 40 when you have kids than 30 and single! Even harder at 50. You both deserve the magic. Not saying its not tough, and at times every marriage will be downright difficult, but if you have this attitude before you even start, its unlikely to work. 

Post # 30
637 posts
Busy bee

When people cause you a lot of pain, it kills off the love you feel for them. He hurt you too much, and now the love is gone. I think you should move on. Be single for a while and enjoy life! 

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