(Closed) The man my mom had a long term affair with died

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
3163 posts
Sugar bee

(I think) my mum had a long term affair wtih a married man and although it was hard I chose never to bring it up and she has since passed away. I didn’t think she would want her child to know as she probably struggled with it herself and wasn’t proud of it. As you have aluded, you never know the dynamics and struggles within a relationship and what is known and isn’t. I would probably do something kind for her but not let her know *why*, like take her out to a spa day or high tea or whatever girly relaxing things you guys do. I’d just say I noticed she seemed a little stressed/down and I wanted to treat her. Because my mum has passed, sometimes I do regret never having a heart to heart with her about this love I think he had, however it was what felt right for me at the time

Post # 3
1040 posts
Bumble bee

i love my mom. I know she had a relationship while being married to my father and to be honest I 

a) wouldnt want to hear the details of it

B) think she should talk to anyone else but her children about her feelings.   

im glad your parents worked it out and stuck together, but I don’t think it’s something you should have to deal with. Just my 2 cents. 

Post # 6
575 posts
Busy bee

My situation is a little bit different from yours, but I really feel for you. My mom had an affair with someone she met before she even knew my father. They reconnected years down the road and that’s when their relationship started…I was actually the first one to find out. I still can’t really talk about it, it was seriously one of the worst days of my life. My parents divorced very quickly after over 20 years together and my mom ended up marrying the other man a year later. It was very, very painful for me and the rest of my family and extremely difficult for me to move past. Before this happened I was really close to my mother and I didn’t know if I could ever be close to her again. I never cut ties but our interactions were drastically reduced, and I refused to even acknowledge her new husband. Unfortunately she is now widowed, the man died about 7 months after they married. It was pretty unexpected, he had some health issues he never disclosed to my mom. It’s weird to say, but his death actually helped mend our relationship. I know she really appreciated me being there for her during that time. And it was the exact kick in the butt I needed to realize life is way too short to hold grudges and I need my mom as much as she needs me. I still have regret that I wasn’t very nice to HIM, but I can’t change the past, only learn from it.

Are you prepared to open this can of worms? If you’re comfortable doing so, I would at least sit down with your mom and tell her that you’ve noticed a change in her demeanor. Ask her if everything’s alright and tell her she can talk to you if she wants to. She may tell you everything is fine and leave it at that, or she may tell you more. Just be prepared for both scenarios.

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