Post # 1
My parents have been married for 40 years. I found out about a year ago that my mom has been in a long term relationship with someone else that she met while working over TEN years ago. My brother is the one who told me. I never worked up the courage to say anything to either of my parents about it. My brother said he was pretty sure my dad knew but has turned a blind eye to it.
My brother told me the guy’s name so of course I do some internet stalking and found out he lives in the next town over and is widowed.
3 days ago, my moms best friend put on Facebook that a close friend of hers passed away and how her heart is breaking for someone very special. Then in the comments people were saying “RIP John!” And my heart stopped. The guy who passed away was my moms lover!
She has been acting very upset and standoffish (not like her at all) and I know it’s because of this. However I have no idea how to feel?! It’s a very weird situation because I know she’s extremely upset but she doesn’t know I know about him.
Does anyone one have any advice? Been in a similar situation? I want to be there for her but on the other hand I can’t help but feel almost relieved for my dad.
Post # 2
(I think) my mum had a long term affair wtih a married man and although it was hard I chose never to bring it up and she has since passed away. I didn’t think she would want her child to know as she probably struggled with it herself and wasn’t proud of it. As you have aluded, you never know the dynamics and struggles within a relationship and what is known and isn’t. I would probably do something kind for her but not let her know *why*, like take her out to a spa day or high tea or whatever girly relaxing things you guys do. I’d just say I noticed she seemed a little stressed/down and I wanted to treat her. Because my mum has passed, sometimes I do regret never having a heart to heart with her about this love I think he had, however it was what felt right for me at the time
Post # 3
i love my mom. I know she had a relationship while being married to my father and to be honest I
a) wouldnt want to hear the details of it
B) think she should talk to anyone else but her children about her feelings.
im glad your parents worked it out and stuck together, but I don’t think it’s something you should have to deal with. Just my 2 cents.
Post # 4
EDubbs: Oh I agree, I’d rather NOT know anything and be blissfully ignorant. But my brother didn’t like being the only one who knew about it. And now I just feel bad for my mom because she’s obviously upset and really has no one to go to for support since it was a secret affair. Idk it’s just a weird situation!
Beegritte: Yeah I could take her out for lunch and a manicure or something. Thanks for the ideas! And I’m sorry you never got to talk to your mom. That’s kind of how I’m feeling too.
Post # 5
Anyone else gone through a similar situation?
Post # 6
My situation is a little bit different from yours, but I really feel for you. My mom had an affair with someone she met before she even knew my father. They reconnected years down the road and that’s when their relationship started…I was actually the first one to find out. I still can’t really talk about it, it was seriously one of the worst days of my life. My parents divorced very quickly after over 20 years together and my mom ended up marrying the other man a year later. It was very, very painful for me and the rest of my family and extremely difficult for me to move past. Before this happened I was really close to my mother and I didn’t know if I could ever be close to her again. I never cut ties but our interactions were drastically reduced, and I refused to even acknowledge her new husband. Unfortunately she is now widowed, the man died about 7 months after they married. It was pretty unexpected, he had some health issues he never disclosed to my mom. It’s weird to say, but his death actually helped mend our relationship. I know she really appreciated me being there for her during that time. And it was the exact kick in the butt I needed to realize life is way too short to hold grudges and I need my mom as much as she needs me. I still have regret that I wasn’t very nice to HIM, but I can’t change the past, only learn from it.
Are you prepared to open this can of worms? If you’re comfortable doing so, I would at least sit down with your mom and tell her that you’ve noticed a change in her demeanor. Ask her if everything’s alright and tell her she can talk to you if she wants to. She may tell you everything is fine and leave it at that, or she may tell you more. Just be prepared for both scenarios.