(Closed) The mass question

posted 6 years ago in Catholic
Post # 16
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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redfishbluefish:  I don’t understand what’s most important at this point:  the length of the ceremony?  Or whether or not there is mass?

 

A ceremony that doesn’t have mass can last as long as you’d like it to, depending on what “traditions” you’ll do, how many readings you’ll have, etc…..

My ceremony was 6 minutes.  It was a “traditional” wedding– in a mansion.  Full gown, bridal party– but we did what was most comfortable for us.  My dad would have loved for us to have a religious ceremony– he is very religious and active in his chruch.  But not ONCE during the planning process did he ever try to push anything on us.  

 

Most people want to respect thier parents wishes- I get that.

But you guys are starting your lives together– and truthfully your Fiance needs to stand up for his future wife a bit more.  I say this– because it seems like he’s agreeing to this stuff soley because it’s his parent’s wishes.  Not because he has strong opinions + feelings about it.

 

 

Post # 17
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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redfishbluefish:  Hey there! I’m sorry that you are having this conflict. You never want to have stuff going on with in-laws right before the wedding :/ I am Catholic so maybe I can offer a little bit of an opinion here, even if it’s biased.

 A lot of time for Catholics, it is really important to have a wedding mass. If your FI’s parents raised him that way and envisioned that for him and they have strong beliefs, I could see why they would be upset because the Eucharist is a really really important part of our religion.

I have never heard of anyone being upset by not receiving Communion- at our church on Sundays the priest says something like, “We welcome everyone to come forward with their arms crossed *like this* to recieve a bleesing if you are not Catholic.” Easy peasy. If anyone is offended I would think that’s a little ridiculous.

Also I recently went to a Catholic wedding with full Mass that only lasted 50 minutes. I’m sure your priest would be considerate of time if you felt that it would be difficult for your guests to sit through.

 

I would have a different opinion if you had strong beliefs that contradicted all of this- in that case, you would be obligated to follow your conscience in what your religion says… I’m not saying that your feelings aren’t valid but to maybe consider that what your Fiance and his family are saying are coming from a place of thinking this is morally what they should do and part of their family traditions, and that your reasons are that you don’t want everyone to sit through a ceremony that’s 20 min longer…. I would consider giving a little.

I hope all that makes sense and it doesn’t sound like I’m disregarding your feelings! I’m just saying try to think about where these preferences are coming from and why they feel so strongly about it, and ask yourself what are your reasons for digging in your heels? On a side note, his parents sound like they’re a little controlling!!! That doesn’t make anything easier. If you do decide to have a Mass, I would make it clear to your Fiance that it was because you love him and respect his beliefs and not because his parents bullied you.

Post # 18
Member
3728 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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redfishbluefish:  This is totally becoming a way bigger deal than it needs to be. You and your Fiance need to sit down as adults, without your future in-laws and decide your priorities.

First, masses are not done for interfaith couples without a compelling reason where I am from. My mom’s priest refused the idea at their wedding. It just is not acceptable that the first thing that you do as man and wife cannot be done together. Instead of union, it is division. 

 

Second, my parent’s service was an hour and 15 minutes without a mass. Our full mass was 50 minutes. The length of time does not dictate the service.

 

Finally, religion is a big deal. Having a full Catholic mass was very important to your Fiance. You knew that early on. Why are you so unwilling to compromise (I am not saying you should, I am just curious if there is something else here)? You realize that you will have to agree to raise your kid’s Catholic and you and your family will be excluded from communion at baptisms, communions, and confirmations to come.

 

I don’t mean to be harsh, but there are a lot of interfaith marriages in my Catholic family that had Catholic weddings. Whether you have a mass or not should not be this much of a big deal with you or your in-laws. My guess is that your Future Mother-In-Law is really upset about you not converting.

FWIW, my in-laws have not missed mass in 40 years. They are hard core Catholic. Two of their 6 kids got married to a Protestant. One in a Protestant church, one in a Catholic church without a mass. Not having a mass was never an issue (the faith the grandkids would be raised in was).

Post # 19
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I haven’t read all the comments, so this might have already been said, but if you aren’t Baptised, then you cannot have a full Mass. Period. End of story. If Future In-Laws are as religious as they want to appear, then they should know that. This would be the case if you are Baptised, but not Catholic, too. 

The reason behind this is because if you are not Catholic, you can’t receive Communion but your husband could. Since marriage is uniting the two of you, one of the first things you would do as a married couple would already be separating you from each other. Does that make sense? That’s why you’re welcone to marry in the Church, but cannot have a full Mass. Try explaining it that way to your Future In-Laws. 

PM me if you want!!

Post # 20
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

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redfishbluefish:  If you’re not willing to convert and you don’t want to have a mass for your wedding, don’t let them push you into it.  But I will point out that you need to have an important conversation with your Fiance about raising children in the Catholic faith because is he is being pushy about the mass for your wedding ceremony, he will likely want your children baptised and confirmed as well.  If he can’t stand up for you and your beliefs now to his mom, they are only going to get worse as the years go by.

Post # 21
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

My Fiance and I are both Catholic, but we are doing a Catholic ceremony without the full Mass because half of both families are not Catholic and a lot of our friends are not Catholic. We were told the ceremony without Mass would still be at least 30 minutes long. The only real difference between the two is that the Eucharist is not prepared and offered during just the ceremony. 

It seems to me that having the ceremony without Mass would be the best compromise between you and Fiance. You’ve already taken the step to agree to be married in a church, and now he should meet you halfway (not to mention Future Mother-In-Law needs to get over herself). Good luck in finalizing your plans!

Post # 23
Member
5940 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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redfishbluefish:  I was married in the Catholic church and did NOT have mass for the very reason you don’t want to have it. It felt ridiculous to me that I could not partake in something on MY own wedding day. And most of my family and friends couldn’t either. Fortunately for me, it was a non-issue. A ceremony with NO mass is not that long. 20 minutes?? It definitely wasn’t an hour. I didn’t think time was an issue?

Now in your case, obviously his family is veeeery set on the OLD OLD traditions of the church. So I don’t know, do you want to just have the mass to save the drama? It may be one of those “pick your battles” type of things. Funny that he didn’t even attend church before. Didn’t they give him cr*p about that?? Ugh.

Post # 24
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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redfishbluefish:  Hello there! I know that this may be a bit late, but I am catholic and have been to both types of masses. I must say that if both parties are not Catholic, then it’s much more comfortable to not go with the full mass. My best friend had a catholic wedding where her fiance had converted, but his entire side of the family/friends were not Catholic and it got to be confusing at times. However, I went to my first wedding without a full mass this past fall and it was the best wedding ever! You still get the feel of a Catholic mass, and it was definitely at least a half an hour, but it was easy enough for everyone to follow along ๐Ÿ™‚ I think that perhaps your fiance should explain to his mother that you had already compromised by getting married in a Catholic church in the first place and if you don’t feel comfortable with a full mass, then so be it. Hope this helps!

Post # 25
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I understand where you are coming from, because I was in the same situation about a year ago. Though this may not be an option for you, I went through RCIA to learn more about the Catholic faith. I did this with my Fiance understanding that this did not mean I was committing to converting. During the 9 month process, I learned so much about myself, my Fiance and his faith, the Catholic Church, and the Bible. I now have a deep appreciation for the Catholic Church and all of its’ traditions, especially the Eucharist. At the end of the 9 months, I did convert to Catholicism. I now would not picture my wedding ceremony without the gift of the Eucharist or having mass at our wedding. I now understand why it was so important to my Fiance and his family. My suggestion for you is to talk to you Fiance about it. Though my Fiance and I had done a lot of talking, there was still a lot I did not understand. I now realize that it would’ve been a much bigger deal for him and the Catholics at our wedding to NOT have mass and communion than it would have been for me and my family to attend a ceremony where we did not share the same religion. Another suggestion I have is that you ask the priest to offer a blessing for those who are not Catholic, including yourself. You and your guests, who are willing, would come up to communion but instead of receiving the Eucharist, you would receive a blessing. This can help to make them feel more welcome and apart of the ceremony.

Post # 26
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Before I was Catholic, I was a bridesmaid in a Catholic wedding and we went to receive a blessing during Communion. We practiced at the rehearsal so it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. Another option that we considered before I became Catholic was having an interfaith ceremony with my preacher coming to the ceremony and participating in some parts.

Post # 27
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am Catholic, though not practising and I have received lots of pressure from a couple of my family members to get married in the Catholic church.  FI is unbaptised.  I am not getting married in a Church at all and have firmly reminded my family that it is OUR wedding day and we will be doing it OUR way.

This is not an in-law decision.  This is between you and your Fiance and you should remind him that.  You guys need to reach a compromise between the two of you, not an extended family.  His family can attend mass at anytime, not having it for the wedding is not a huge deal.  It’s great that you have even agreed to get married in their religion, you shouldn’t need to compromise any further.

Post # 28
Member
313 posts
Helper bee

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redfishbluefish:  I’m Catholic, and my FH (not yet formally engaged yet) is Protestant. We’ve agreed to have a Catholic ceremony without Mass – this is typical. It’s unusual to have a Mass with a “mixed marriage”, as they call it.

You mentioned a bit about a sacramental marriage. (Assuming that you’re using the word “sacramental” as I understand it…) Are you a baptised Christian? This is necessary to have a sacramental marriage. If you are, then as long as you have the Catholic ceremony and do all the paperwork with the church, it doesn’t matter if there’s a Mass or not. If you’re not baptised, it wouldn’t be a sacramental marriage even if there was a Mass. If you would like to PM me with questions, I’m happy to clarify ๐Ÿ™‚

A Catholic ceremony without a Mass will last roughly half an hour. Definitely NOT 10 minutes, unless you guys are literally only doing your vows. A Catholic ceremony without Mass would still include prayers, readings from Scripture, a brief sermon by the priest, vows, more prayers, then the ending.

I’m fairly knowledgable about this kind of thing; if you have questions I’m more than happy to help!

Post # 29
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

For one thing, stand your ground! You’re getting married in his church,  a full mass is not necessary. We just went through marriage prep last month and our church said that unless both parties are cath jholic, mass is usually not done. Especially if it makes you or your family uncomfortable. 

I would think that a ceremony outside of mass would be longer than 10 minutes. There is the processional, an opening hymn (usually), opening prayer, two readings, the psalm, the gospel reading and homily, prayers of the faithful, a final blessing and  the recessional. If you can get that all done in ten minutes, haha I would like to see that. I would say at least half an hour.

Post # 30
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My Fiance is Catholic and I converted last year. However we are not having a mass because it would offend a lot of people in my family and probably only a third of our guests will be Catholic. Our priest actually suggested it may be best for us if we want everyone to be comfortable,  and our ceremony should last 25-35 minutes. Fiance shouldn’t put so much pressure on you, that’s not fair on you or your family to sit through mass when you cant take the Eucharist ๐Ÿ™

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