(Closed) The mentality behind what he says…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee

In my opinion, no one likes being told what to do.  And when you repeatedly say “so are you ever going to propose” or do the whole ultimatum thing then that just makes the other person not want to ask you even more.  

I think if you have the marriage talk and you both agree with what you want in the future then you (general you) just need to then back the freak off.  You have had the discussion, you and your SO are in agreement, so now it is time to just let things play out however they do.

Post # 3
Member
41 posts
Newbee

In my opinion not talking doesn’t really help most of the time. I think it works opposite way – men get so relaxed and used to comfortable living with gf that silence starts to mean something like “Oh, at last she shut up, perhaps now she’s not so intrested and I can postpone engagement even more!”. Keeping girls unable to express their feelings is just ridiculous and immature. 

Post # 4
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
iheartu:  I feel like your SO’s friends shouldn’t have gotten engaged. He was feeling resentment at her for expressing her feelings. I think that if there’s a mature conversation about the timeline then that should do it but he felt pressured and as a result, resented getting engaged. Now, your SO is saying the same thing?? This isn’t fair to you. Your relationship with your SO is NOT the same relationship as his friends. I would sit him down and say ‘whether or not you want to talk about this, we’re going to b/c what you said hurt my feelings. it’s not fair to compare us to them. I understand you want to do this proposing thing on you’re own and I’ll let you but I also need a timeline and I need to know if you’re ready for that kind of commitment.’ There’s no reason that women shouldnt’ be able to express their feelings and their opinions and I would drive that into him. And I would be thoroughly pissed if he said if I would just shut up, I’d have the ring already. That would really irritate me.

Post # 5
Member
2848 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I always thought this was an excuse that jerks used so they could blame not wanting to propose on the girl.

Post # 6
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee

Um I think expressing your feelings and constantly berrating someone about when they are going to do something are two very different things.

I also think to generalize all men in the “well that is just a way to keep from getting engaged soon or proposing to their GF” is ridiculous.

Put yourself in their shoes.  If they constantly were asking “so when are you going to propose” how gung ho would you be about proposing?  If you and your Fiance have talked and you are on the same page then maybe have a bit more trust in your SO instead of constantly reminiding them about it.

Post # 7
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you can’t talk about a decision to spend the rest of your lives together how can you plan to spend the rest of your lives together and deal with all the difficult things that go along with that? While I understand that sometimes one party is ready to make that commitment before the other I just don’t get all the drama that seems to go into this. Is it because men feel pressured these days to come through with some sort of big proposal event?

Post # 8
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I think it’s a cop out frankly. Engagements don’t just materialize, they’re a product of discussion about the future between two people.

I also think there’s a difference between brining it up for discussion and “nagging”, as well as a difference between “i’m not ready to talk about it just yet” and “shut up or i wont propose yet”

I get the feeling that your SO’s friends fall into the second of each category, which frankly is worrying. I see nothing wrong with brining up talks about marriage in a reasonable way, and your SOs response should be to discuss it rationally with you and then do something about it, this is why timelines are useful.

Post # 9
Member
5866 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

 

View original reply
iheartu:  I find this whole idea really offensive.  I guess the kind reading of it is that no one wants to feel they are “nagged” into getting married adn if they are going to propose then they want to feel like it’s their idea…

But I think this is such utter and complete bullshit and plays into the whole social dynamic of women having to constantly subjigate themselves and their desires to men.  I also think that men using this sort of line as a “get out of talking about it free” card is total bullshit and the kind of game playing that a couple who’s ready to get married shouldn’t engage in.

If I were you, I wouldn’t play that game.  I would tell my intended DH that we were equal partners in the relationship and to expect me to shut up and wait around hoping was unfair, unrealistic, and not the way I was prepared to live my life.  Let’s see what he thinks about that.

Ugh.  Honestly, the more I think about it the more traditional propsals and waiting makes me so angry.

Post # 11
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

I was always super anxious talking to my boyfriend about engagement after hearing all about how badly it went for other bees, being told to keep quiet and shut up etc. 

My boyfriend and I have discussed that it’s a big step in both of our lives, and while it’s traditional for him to organise it I want to have input and feel like a part of this massive milestone. I guess the feminist in me is coming out. It’s our relationship too and we shouldn’t have to feel powerless in this stage of it. 

So he and I have agreed that I can talk to him about it whenever I like, and that he won’t feel pressured or get annoyed as long as I am understanding to his point of view and we don’t resort to “hurry up”  and “shut up” 

Post # 12
Member
1569 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
iheartu:  This stuff always drives me bonkers. It’s one thing to say “Babe, I know you want to be engaged, and I’m working on it, but it bothers me that you mention that you mention it so much for this reason: _______”. It’s a whole other ball of wax to “punish” your partner for asking about a milestone that affects their life.

 

I think that’s a pretty big sign that their maturity level isn’t where it needs to be maintain a healthy marriage.

Post # 13
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

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cbgg:  omg I am feeling exactly the same. Why does it get to be their choice? Why is the relationship expected to be 50/50 but the 3rd biggest step behind actual marriage and kids, we aren’t allowed to know about talk about or have any input in? It’s BS! 

Post # 14
Member
4061 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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cbgg:  AMEN! The freaking horribly patriarchal aspect of the man getting to decide when you get engaged on only his terms makes me furious! There is no room for that in my relationship, we willover toward that milestone as a united front. 

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