Post # 1
I would love to hear all you Bee’s thoughts about something I have heard from multiple guys lately (guy friends, my boyfriends best friend in regards to his now fiancé and even my boyfriend quoting it back to me)….
My SO’s best friend just got engaged but prior to the engagement my SO was casually over dinner telling me and kinda laughing about how his be friend was probably going to propose soon but it has been awhile in the making and by that I mean somewhat a struggle. The gf had made it very clear she was wanting it (they had been together about 3 years) and she would bring it up on a regular basis and his best friend would say that everytime she would shut up about it for a month or two and he was thinking they were good and was gonna go purchase the ring she would open her mouth and make a comment about “waiting” and it would piss him off all over again he wouldn’t go shopping for the ring and it would turn him off and set him back. His exacts words to my SO about his gf was “if she would just shut up about it she probably would’ve had the ring 6 months ago”. When my SO was telling me this we hadn’t had a lot of “marriage” talk so it wasnt weird and I didn’t feel like it was a direct message. Both of us we’re just chatting about them.
the guy finally did propose, I think after their last big blow out and he said he got her point and didn’t need any more talk about it. 2 months of no talk about it the ring came.
Fast forward 6 months down the road and our marriage talks started happening a lot and frequently and during one of our talks he mentioned to me if I remember what his friend said about his fiancé… “If she would just shut up about it she probably would’ve had the ring 6 months ago”. I guess I was accidentally pressuring him a lot about it, which I felt bad and apologized and have made it a point to back off. I took that he was directly telling me that as an obvious sign to back off and just let him do his thing when he was ready but the reason I’m here isn’t for advice for me but just for some bee’s thoughts about the male mentality. I’m an analytical person and find it interesting the thought process men have and esp about one of the biggest things couples deal with…. Engagement!
…Is it to shut up so they can feel like it’s there idea? Is it so they can surprise you and catch you off guard but if you keep bringing it up they feel like you’re taking away from the element of the surprise? Is it bc they feel pressured and by telling someone to do something or not do something they want to Do the opposite (this is me! Lol). Is shutting up about it so they can think clearly for a little and not have the noise clouding there decision? I think some of it could tie to “Mr. Bee’s Plan”?
Just curious to hear everyone’s take on this thought process of males who say this.
let’s hear it gals! 😊
Post # 2
In my opinion, no one likes being told what to do. And when you repeatedly say “so are you ever going to propose” or do the whole ultimatum thing then that just makes the other person not want to ask you even more.
I think if you have the marriage talk and you both agree with what you want in the future then you (general you) just need to then back the freak off. You have had the discussion, you and your SO are in agreement, so now it is time to just let things play out however they do.
Post # 3
In my opinion not talking doesn’t really help most of the time. I think it works opposite way – men get so relaxed and used to comfortable living with gf that silence starts to mean something like “Oh, at last she shut up, perhaps now she’s not so intrested and I can postpone engagement even more!”. Keeping girls unable to express their feelings is just ridiculous and immature.
Post # 4
I feel like your SO’s friends shouldn’t have gotten engaged. He was feeling resentment at her for expressing her feelings. I think that if there’s a mature conversation about the timeline then that should do it but he felt pressured and as a result, resented getting engaged. Now, your SO is saying the same thing?? This isn’t fair to you. Your relationship with your SO is NOT the same relationship as his friends. I would sit him down and say ‘whether or not you want to talk about this, we’re going to b/c what you said hurt my feelings. it’s not fair to compare us to them. I understand you want to do this proposing thing on you’re own and I’ll let you but I also need a timeline and I need to know if you’re ready for that kind of commitment.’ There’s no reason that women shouldnt’ be able to express their feelings and their opinions and I would drive that into him. And I would be thoroughly pissed if he said if I would just shut up, I’d have the ring already. That would really irritate me.
Post # 5
I always thought this was an excuse that jerks used so they could blame not wanting to propose on the girl.
Post # 6
Um I think expressing your feelings and constantly berrating someone about when they are going to do something are two very different things.
I also think to generalize all men in the “well that is just a way to keep from getting engaged soon or proposing to their GF” is ridiculous.
Put yourself in their shoes. If they constantly were asking “so when are you going to propose” how gung ho would you be about proposing? If you and your Fiance have talked and you are on the same page then maybe have a bit more trust in your SO instead of constantly reminiding them about it.
Post # 7
If you can’t talk about a decision to spend the rest of your lives together how can you plan to spend the rest of your lives together and deal with all the difficult things that go along with that? While I understand that sometimes one party is ready to make that commitment before the other I just don’t get all the drama that seems to go into this. Is it because men feel pressured these days to come through with some sort of big proposal event?
Post # 8
I think it’s a cop out frankly. Engagements don’t just materialize, they’re a product of discussion about the future between two people.
I also think there’s a difference between brining it up for discussion and “nagging”, as well as a difference between “i’m not ready to talk about it just yet” and “shut up or i wont propose yet”
I get the feeling that your SO’s friends fall into the second of each category, which frankly is worrying. I see nothing wrong with brining up talks about marriage in a reasonable way, and your SOs response should be to discuss it rationally with you and then do something about it, this is why timelines are useful.
Post # 9
I find this whole idea really offensive. I guess
the kind reading of it is that no one wants to feel they are “nagged” into getting married adn if they are going to propose then they want to feel like it’s their idea…
But I think this is such utter and complete bullshit and plays into the whole social dynamic of women having to constantly subjigate themselves and their desires to men. I also think that men using this sort of line as a “get out of talking about it free” card is total bullshit and the kind of game playing that a couple who’s ready to get married shouldn’t engage in.
If I were you, I wouldn’t play that game. I would tell my intended DH that we were equal partners in the relationship and to expect me to shut up and wait around hoping was unfair, unrealistic, and not the way I was prepared to live my life. Let’s see what he thinks about that.
Ugh. Honestly, the more I think about it the more traditional propsals and waiting makes me so angry.
Post # 10
My SO does pretty well with handling me wanting to sit him down and talk about my expectations and what I want. I also think I did get to that point before he did. I believe he’s getting there or is just now arriving but I think it’s the constant talk about it that drives him or other men crazy. He very loud and clear knows what I want and that I would love it now, but I understand i don’t get it now just bc I want it, he has to be there as well. But he does also know that I’m not on a 5-10 yr plan And he recognizes that. I think i was excited about the prospect of it happening so would hint a lot, not knowingly make comments about others engagement and marriage, talk about us a lot; and he said it was putting a lot of pressure on him. like I said I apologized and didn’t realize how bad I was doing it and want to back off bc I know he will only do so when he’s ready. So in his case we can talk about our future I think it’s the constant talking, sort of nagging that puts him off.
i just want tell if it’s bc he wants it to be his decision, if it’s more related to the surprise element or the human mindset that whrn you push someone they want to do the opposite.
Post # 11
I was always super anxious talking to my boyfriend about engagement after hearing all about how badly it went for other bees, being told to keep quiet and shut up etc.
My boyfriend and I have discussed that it’s a big step in both of our lives, and while it’s traditional for him to organise it I want to have input and feel like a part of this massive milestone. I guess the feminist in me is coming out. It’s our relationship too and we shouldn’t have to feel powerless in this stage of it.
So he and I have agreed that I can talk to him about it whenever I like, and that he won’t feel pressured or get annoyed as long as I am understanding to his point of view and we don’t resort to “hurry up” and “shut up”
Post # 12
This stuff always drives me bonkers. It’s one thing to say “Babe, I know you want to be engaged, and I’m working on it, but it bothers me that you mention that you mention it so much for this reason: _______”. It’s a whole other ball of wax to “punish” your partner for asking about a milestone that affects their life.
I think that’s a pretty big sign that their maturity level isn’t where it needs to be maintain a healthy marriage.
Post # 13
omg I am feeling exactly the same. Why does it get to be their choice? Why is the relationship expected to be 50/50 but the 3rd biggest step behind actual marriage and kids, we aren’t allowed to know about talk about or have any input in? It’s BS!
Post # 14
AMEN! The freaking horribly patriarchal aspect of the man getting to decide when you get engaged on only his terms makes me furious! There is no room for that in my relationship, we willover toward that milestone as a united front.
Post # 15
It’s certainly frustrating. I get once you openly discuss it and he loud and clear know what’s you want that maybe it’s good to back off. But sometimes we’re just excited and don’t mean for it to be pressure. And let’s be honest, while in waiting something the longer it goes without happening we start to feel maybe we didn’t get our point across or aren’t in the same page or some sort of line of communication is missing so we start to bring it up again. It’s bad and we should have faith and trust that they know full well what we want and where we’re at but its hard. It’s a battle to sit back and wait for the man, who society says is the one to make the decision while we just wait. So frsutrating!!