(Closed) The mentality behind what he says…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

It’s very childish to say that the woman bringing it up makes them not want to do it. Either you want to get engaged/married, in which case you propose, or you don’t, so you don’t. 

I was ready to get engaged/married before my Fiance was. I brought up the topic every few months, and we’d talk about it (with him saying he wasn’t ready yet) until he said he was ready and we went to officially look at rings. My Fiance asked me not to bring it up after that. He asked me to trust him to go buy the ring and plan the proposal. He wanted some element of control/surprise, given that I picked out the ring myself.

Post # 17
Member
5866 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
steen425:  Yes!  +1!

It’s also one thing for him to say “I’m just not ready and I need more time.”  That’s fine, that’s honest.  Any answer that is an honest answer is fine.  

But to play some game where you are guessing the magic formula that will make him propose?  This is life, not a video game.  We aren’t trying to find the combination to “unlock engagement achievement” we are trying to make one of the biggest decisions of our lives.  

Post # 18
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

‘Someone making their feelings known puts pressure on me and makes me want to do it less’ is such an immature mentality. I’ve never understood this. The guy is putting the blame on the woman for why they’re not engaged yet, which is a load of crap.

There are a few cases, I’m sure, of some women going overboard, venturing into ‘nagging’ territory…But in most circumstances, the woman would feel more secure and stop bringing it up if the guy would just have a mature conversation and say “we’re on the same page, I want to marry you, you can expect a proposal within [x] amount of time, but I want it to be a surprise so let’s drop the topic’.

Post # 19
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee

For all of you saying that you don’t think it is fair that it gets to be their choice, did any of you propose to your guy?  If not, why not?  I feel like there is a gap somewhere along the way.  Women want a say in when and how they get proposed to but for some reason feel that it is the guys responsibility to do the proposing.  So instead of waiting or nagging or giving ultimatiums.  Why not step up to the plate and propose to him for a change?  But I guess many won’t want to do that because then they won’t be getting their fancy proposals they have been dreaming about since they were 5.

Post # 20
Member
938 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
iheartu:  For my Fi and I, we talked about our future together, and agreed that this included being legally married.  We then discussed that we wanted to be engaged at some point and my Fiance expressed that he wanted to propose with a ring.  I told him I also wanted to propose to him so that he had a special moment and agreed that he would want a watch.  We also discussed that his proposal would be the official one.  After this, we never really brought it up again until the proposals happened.  It worked out really well, and I don’t really understand why people nag each other about getting engagead… if you have discussed it and agree that you both want to do it, you should both follow through with that.. this includes a) the man doing so in a timely manner if he is the one proposing and b) the woman trusting the man and not nagging.

Post # 22
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

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freckles071611:  i see your point, but for me the discussion is me proposing, the engagement will officially happen when he proposes back.

Besides, I said I love you first, asked him to move in with me, made the first move when we started dating, AND asked him on our second date when i decided he was taking too long after the first… It’s totally his turn to do the asking 😉

Post # 23
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Greenspot Farms

Everytime I hear something like this I feel upset for that poor girl. To me it seems like the dude is punishing her, holding something really beautiful over her head… it sounds awful to me.

Post # 24
Member
11360 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
iheartu:  it’s one thing if you are talking non stop about this, but I have to say, telling your loved one to shut up about something that is really important to them or else you’ll withhold it is the sign of a real creep.

a man who is ready for marriage is also ready to treat your feelings and needs like they matter as much as his. He is ready to honor and cherish your feelings and needs. This doesn’t mean he will give you everything you want, but it does mean he won’t show contempt for your feelings and needs. 

 

Post # 25
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Loveless Barn

I remember when I got engaged one of the coolest things about it was how excited he was. To me, prolonging it until she ‘shuts up about it’ makes it feel like he isn’t excited or ready. I can’t speak for all guys but I know for my Fiance and other guy friends I know, nothing was stopping them from making that proposal happen because it was something they very much wanted. 

Lest my post sound all fairy tale-like, I had a small meltdown one night before we got engaged. I told him I felt like we were in such a good place and yet he hadn’t proposed and that left me feeling like I was doing something wrong. He then told me that he had been seriously ring shopping for about a month (without my knowledge) and it was a happy moment for both of us. He’d been trying to keep it a surprise but realized that night that he was glad I knew his plans. We were engaged 3 weeks later, 2 days after the ring came in. If it’s something you’re both excited about, it doesn’t have to be angst-filled. 

Post # 26
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It is such crap that men have always been able to control this bit of the timeline. It is a beautiful thing that that dynamic is changing. 

Post # 27
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s 2016, and in some ways women haven’t come any further than they were in 1916. God forbid you mention your own future after 3 years of a guy and living with him. That’s putting pressure on them, and the poor fragile things can’t take it. So you have to apologize (!) . Smh

Post # 28
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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iheartu:  “his best friend would say that everytime she would shut up about it for a month or two and he was thinking they were good and was gonna go purchase the ring she would open her mouth and make a comment about “waiting” and it would piss him off all over again he wouldn’t go shopping for the ring and it would turn him off and set him back. His exacts words to my SO about his gf was “if she would just shut up about it she probably would’ve had the ring 6 months ago”.

Ugh, the guy sounds like a punitive, controlling douche. She’s unhappy about waiting and  uncertain about their future and tries to express this to him and his reaction is to get mad at her for it and deliberately make her wait longer until she learns to be a good girl and keep her mouth shut thus proving herself worthy of the ring??? That is one fucked up fairy tale.

Post # 29
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

View original reply
freckles071611:  I have to agree with you on this front. A guy is only in control of that choice if that control is given to him. I get that for some, proposing to their SO isn’t something they want to do, but they are pushing someone to take an action they aren’t prepared to take themselves. No one is forced to passively wait for someone else to deicde what their future will be. 

Also if you have to constantly bring it up, that’s a problem by itself. It’s not like a guy forgets you want to get married once it’s brought up. If it has to be constantly brought up, then the problem is that whoever is waiting doesn’t trust him to keep his word about it, and that’s an entirely different problem.

Post # 30
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
iheartu:  i can see it a few ways depending on what’s actually happening and not what people (with a one sided experience) say is happening. here are a few scenarios:

1. she is nagging him. let’s be honest, some women nag and control a lot (just like some men do). i have totally seen relationships happen where the girl claims to only reference marriage once in a while but in reality brings it up constantly with lots of pressure. guys don’t like being strong armed into things, so even if they like the girl they don’t react well to this. 

2. she’s being reasonable and he’s being weak. sometimes the girl is being totally reasonable in her requests or conversations and the dude is just dragging his feet because he really doesn’t want marraige but is too weak to just break things off. so not cool. 

3. he’s being a total douche. i’ve heard stories about guys who bring up marriage early and often, way before the girl does, and then start to backpedal once plans are being made. to me this is red flag city. 

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