(Closed) The mentality behind what he says…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
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4061 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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freckles071611:  We aren’t going to be having any proposal at all. In November of this year, our 2 year anniversary we are going to sit down and make a timeline as to when in the next 12 months we would like to be married.  Then we will budget for a ring, which we will purchase and I will wear.  No rollerskating flash mob, no cheese, only a discussion and a decision made by both of us. 

Post # 32
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee

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desertgypsy:  That is a very Sex in the City way of going about it!  I mean nine times out of ten the couple has already agreed that they want to get married at some point along the way, but only consider themselves engaged and start planning a wedding when a proposal has taken place (which is completely fine and the way it went for H and I).  But your and your Fiance way is a very mature way of doing things.  It is a joint decision to get married and really the proposal in today’s world is just semantics.

I just wish women would stop with the double standard.  They want to be a part of the decision making process, but yet they want the proposal.  At some point you just have to stop asking “when” and just trust in your SO to ask you in his/her own time, espeically if you two have discussed marriage and have come to a joint decision about your future.

Post # 33
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee

All I got out of this post is ‘oooooh, poor men and their fragile egos!!’ lol NO. Men who think that way are sad little BETAS who finally found one thing in life to make them powerful: controlling their girlfriends. They know this is the *only* time they have complete control of everything and they get a sick thrill over it so they’re milking it as long as possible. He’s going to watch that gf run around like a desperate puppy and then feel like a King when he makes her dream come true. Disgusting.

And/Or they’re scared little boys not wanting to make a commitment but unwilling to admit it so they’re just talking out their asses and blaming the postponed engagement on the girl “she’s pressuring me” “I want it to be a surprise”

Post # 34
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

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doberman:  

 

Agreed, and actually,  it’s almost like women are even further behind in this regard. At least in 1916 the men knew that women damned well wanted to be married and would be seen as cads for sleeping with a women for years stringing her along.  Now women are supposed to pretend they aren’t worried about marriage for fear of putting pressure on their man children. It’s gross. 

 

 

Post # 35
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

I found it excruciating to have to wait so long to get a proposal. It really messed with my head! 19 months between bringing the ring home and popping the question. Do they not realise that we think about it every single day??  The ring came home from the  jeweller in May. 8 months pass by.  In January I brought it up and was told “look I want to do it in my own time ok?” There were tears, he eventually grumpily said he’d propose by the end of the year. So he waited till NYE (by which time I was totally over it and had zero excitement). 

Interestingly, when I asked why he waited so long he was quite unaware of how long it had been in the safe at home. “I don’t know, 6-7 months? I didn’t really think about it”. A small insight to the male mind. But I know I would not have a ring on my finger right now if I had kept my mouth shut last January.  

I reckon this is how men think!!!: can we ever hope to change this attitude?

 

Post # 36
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3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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yupmarried:  
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jbella:  Agree. I find it very disturbing that women are told to “shut it up” and “let him do his thing” less they be perceived as pushy. I don’t know why women agree to live with these men, sometimes for years;  I’d rather be alone. 

Post # 37
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

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yupmarried:  BRAVO!

OP, your boyfriend has it backwards. He’s the one creating “pressure” by turning this into a mystery Easter egg hunt surprise game.

It would be much more simple and less manipulative/controlling to have an open, direct conversation from one adult to another. 

I sympathize with Bees who find themselves in this frustrating and agonizing situation. The irony is that the woman is always in control of the situation, even if she doesn’t realize it, even if she finds it too painful and scary to exercise that control. It’s called walking away.

I simply would not put up with it. If a guy pulled this on me, my fundamental attraction for him would disappear. The whole point would become moot because I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would play these cat and mouse games. 

Post # 38
Member
38 posts
Newbee

Amen to all of this.

My bf is in bed next to me and I want to punch him.

Post # 39
Member
3211 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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bunny24:  why?

Post # 40
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3211 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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iheartu:  here’s how I handled this little “game”: after eventually realizing that it wasn’t about my (now) fiance’s lack of desire to marry me (although he was never as rude about it as yours was, who the fuck does he think he is trying to impress?) I told him that I was not content with “waiting” anymore because I was ready to be engaged, thankyouverymuch. So his choice was to propose before X event in the spring, at which point *i* would start planning a proposal to HIM. And when I proposed, he would either have to say yes and mean it, or say no – but saying no would mean we would break up because we weren’t on the same page about what this relationship should mean to us. I love him so much, but I was not ready to feel stunted anymore by his seeming indecision.

He avoided last Christmas through valentines (too much other stuff going on those months, he didn’t even realize that’s when a lot of engagements happen!) and took our European vacation off the list of time because he didn’t want to put pressure on either of us to not enjoy the trip for the amazing experience it was. He proposed about a month before I would have started planning, with a ring we picked out together (Well, we picked out about 3 – at different price points – so he could go back and choose). 

if you truly want to get married, tell him when you’ll start planning how to propose to him. That gives you certainty it will happen by X time, and HIM a reason to not delay. If you don’t think you want to marry him if you propose – what does that say about whether you should marry him at all?

Post # 41
Member
1316 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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iheartu:  My DH was actually the same way. Not that he would think it was his idea if I didn’t mention it, but he wanted to make sure that he was making the decision for the right reasons and not to just make me happy.

It’s going to be the same way if we decide to have kids and maybe this will explain what I mean. The more that people ask us about it or mention that we should have kids soon, I’d wonder if I’m choosing to have children because we want to and we’re prepared….or if I’m choosing to have children because our family want grandchildren and I don’t want to disappoint them.

Post # 42
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2403 posts
Buzzing bee

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iheartu:  I’ve only skimmed through the comments, but if a boyfriend told me to “shut up” about a topic that involved the planning of the rest of my life and suggested that I just “let him handle it,” I would be finding a new boyfriend. One who isn’t a selfish jackass (I’m being family friendly with my terminology there. My original choice of words was much harsher). 

The idea that a woman being upfront about her wants and needs (and you know, life plan) is “pushy” or “pressuring him” just pisses me off. 

I agree with 

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freckles071611, it couldn’t hurt for women to start proposing to men! I didn’t do this because my now-husband proposed in a perfectly reasonable amount of time. Had another 6 months gone by, I would have done it myself. And he proposed after we had a couple of open and honest conversations about marriage and our timeline and what kind of life we wanted to build together. 

If, during any of those conversations, he had told me to stop pressuring him and shut up about our (key word: our) future together, I would have walked away. Allowing someone to tell me what I can and cannot discuss about my own life, with my own life partner, is not a precedent I want to set. And further, not an example I want to set for my future children. 

Post # 43
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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iheartu:  I think men wanting women to ‘shut up about it’ is bullshit. I think contantly bitching that he hasn’t proposed is not good, because no one wants to be bossed around, but deciding that your partner can’t discuss it with you at all is stupid. It is her future too and telling her that she needs to shut up is basically saying that the man gets to make the decision all by himself even though it is a decision that affects both of them.

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