- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2016
I just wish women would stop with the double standard. They want to be a part of the decision making process, but yet they want the proposal. At some point you just have to stop asking “when” and just trust in your SO to ask you in his/her own time, espeically if you two have discussed marriage and have come to a joint decision about your future.
All I got out of this post is ‘oooooh, poor men and their fragile egos!!’ lol NO. Men who think that way are sad little BETAS who finally found one thing in life to make them powerful: controlling their girlfriends. They know this is the *only* time they have complete control of everything and they get a sick thrill over it so they’re milking it as long as possible. He’s going to watch that gf run around like a desperate puppy and then feel like a King when he makes her dream come true. Disgusting.
And/Or they’re scared little boys not wanting to make a commitment but unwilling to admit it so they’re just talking out their asses and blaming the postponed engagement on the girl “she’s pressuring me” “I want it to be a surprise”
Agreed, and actually, it’s almost like women are even further behind in this regard. At least in 1916 the men knew that women damned well wanted to be married and would be seen as cads for sleeping with a women for years stringing her along. Now women are supposed to pretend they aren’t worried about marriage for fear of putting pressure on their man children. It’s gross.
I found it excruciating to have to wait so long to get a proposal. It really messed with my head! 19 months between bringing the ring home and popping the question. Do they not realise that we think about it every single day?? The ring came home from the jeweller in May. 8 months pass by. In January I brought it up and was told “look I want to do it in my own time ok?” There were tears, he eventually grumpily said he’d propose by the end of the year. So he waited till NYE (by which time I was totally over it and had zero excitement).
Interestingly, when I asked why he waited so long he was quite unaware of how long it had been in the safe at home. “I don’t know, 6-7 months? I didn’t really think about it”. A small insight to the male mind. But I know I would not have a ring on my finger right now if I had kept my mouth shut last January.
I reckon this is how men think!!!: can we ever hope to change this attitude?
OP, your boyfriend has it backwards. He’s the one creating “pressure” by turning this into a mystery Easter egg hunt surprise game.
It would be much more simple and less manipulative/controlling to have an open, direct conversation from one adult to another.
I sympathize with Bees who find themselves in this frustrating and agonizing situation. The irony is that the woman is always in control of the situation, even if she doesn’t realize it, even if she finds it too painful and scary to exercise that control. It’s called walking away.
I simply would not put up with it. If a guy pulled this on me, my fundamental attraction for him would disappear. The whole point would become moot because I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would play these cat and mouse games.
Amen to all of this.
My bf is in bed next to me and I want to punch him.
He avoided last Christmas through valentines (too much other stuff going on those months, he didn’t even realize that’s when a lot of engagements happen!) and took our European vacation off the list of time because he didn’t want to put pressure on either of us to not enjoy the trip for the amazing experience it was. He proposed about a month before I would have started planning, with a ring we picked out together (Well, we picked out about 3 – at different price points – so he could go back and choose).
if you truly want to get married, tell him when you’ll start planning how to propose to him. That gives you certainty it will happen by X time, and HIM a reason to not delay. If you don’t think you want to marry him if you propose – what does that say about whether you should marry him at all?
It’s going to be the same way if we decide to have kids and maybe this will explain what I mean. The more that people ask us about it or mention that we should have kids soon, I’d wonder if I’m choosing to have children because we want to and we’re prepared….or if I’m choosing to have children because our family want grandchildren and I don’t want to disappoint them.
The idea that a woman being upfront about her wants and needs (and you know, life plan) is “pushy” or “pressuring him” just pisses me off.
I agree with
If, during any of those conversations, he had told me to stop pressuring him and shut up about our (key word: our) future together, I would have walked away. Allowing someone to tell me what I can and cannot discuss about my own life, with my own life partner, is not a precedent I want to set. And further, not an example I want to set for my future children.
how would you all feel about a man that within a 3 month time frame have given you these lines…
being cute sent him your Xmas/bday list – ering on it, he acknowledged it and basically said “relax, just don’t stress me out about it 💍”
then next line was during a discusson about his traveling a lot and if his lifestyle and what the future holds or if he’s looking to slow down a bit and settle for a little awhile… He says “ofcourse we can progress in between or I wouldn’t be asking you this now”
next line one was the one this thread is about… He was referring to his best friends relationship in the convo and said “maybe if you just stopped talking about it it would happen” And he kept gearing the convo towards a 3 year time frame.
then the final line was a discussion about living together. He won’t until we’re engaged (along with a plethora of other things that won’t happen until we’re engaged.) but he said lots of other reasons why but the convo progressed into the future and the next lease being up and him still not being able to commit to any idea of Anything that far ahead and said “I didn’t know if you’re the one, but I don’t not know you’re the one. But if I thought you were the one, you’d already have a ring on your finger”
please share how you all bees would take this.
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