Post # 1
Hi guys! Here’s a little back story. I’ve been in realtionships off and on before I met my fiance. But I’ve always lived alone (other than a few months I lived with a friend). Now that I’ve moved in I’m surprised at how hard it is to merge our things and normal lifestyles. We never had issues when we’d spend a week here or there together, but now it’s like I feel like I have to lobby and pull teeth to get a littl space to put my things and make it feel like my home too. I was unprepared for this as I thought if the roles were reversed I’d be happy to find places for half my things to make room for him to come in and feel comfortable. But I get comments like “I can clear off half that shelf for you”. I know he means it to be nice, but then it does make me feel a little bad that I can’t just have half of the whole bookshelf.
I feel like I’ve been pretty prepared for most of the adjustments we’ll both be going through, but this was one I didn’t think about.
And I feel like it’s harder at this point in life since we’re both so settled in our own ways.
Have you dealt with this? How were you able to come to a happy medium?
Post # 3
It may be more difficult because you moved in with him, as opposed to both of you moving somewhere new. When we moved into our house, we each took different rooms naturally… he took the entire basement (rec room, 2 rooms for music, bathroom) and I took care of the entire first floor (living, dining, kitchen, bathroom, 3rd bedroom is my “study”) and our bedroom is a combination of our stuff.
Is there a room you can make your own?
Post # 4
Can you sit and talk about how you both have two much stuff and not enough space. How you feel more like a roommate than a wife in terms of the space?
Then maybe you can sort and sell stuff from both of your stuff, ebay, consignment stores, craigslist or tag sale. And then you can make a deal that with any profit you will do something you wanted to do, or buy another bookshelf, or install a DIY closet organizer.
Sometimes too if you are more creative with storage and closests (organizers etc, furniture with hidden compartments) you can fit more than you currently are.
Post # 5
It is harder when you are both older, set in your ways, have your own stuff, and then move into one or the other’s existing space. But I do think he has to give you free rein over some real space. First thing I did when my fiance moved in was clear an entire room in my not-huge apartment for him to do whatever he wants with, plus making room in the bedroom and bathroom of course. Was it easy? No. Did I have to part with stuff that I hadn’t intended to get rid of? Yes. But that’s what you do so that your Fiance doesn’t feel like a visitor, and feels like they are HOME. I’d sit down and have a talk with him about it. Good luck!
Post # 6
@MrsLongcoatPeacoat: I do agree with this and we kind of talked about that. We’re just renting right now, but will be buying next year. He had just taken a new job, so we’re not sure what area of town we want to live in. I’m sure things will feel much different at that point.
It’s just hard for me because I left a city I love, a good job, great friends to move 4 hours away. So I’m just feeling displaced. I know it’ll get better and I’m probably more sensitive about it than I need to be.
There is one room, that is supposed to be my office, but it will also be a guest bedroom and house a bunch of his stuff too.
Like the other poster mentioned, I need to get creative on some space storage.
Post # 7
@lefeymw: We were talking about this last night after I tried explaining that once I pick up my dress there will be a room he won’t be able to go into. He threw a fit. Granted my delivery could have been better, but he didn’t get why he should be put out because of the dress coming in. To the point where he was ok seeing the dress after all this time of keeping it a secret, which I’m definitely not ok with.
I’m sure we’ll be talking about it again and again as my boxes become emptied. But part of me doesn’t want to unpack because of the back and forth that it brings each time. haha. ugh.
I know it’ll work out ok in the end. Just so frustrating right now.
Post # 8
@blu77: That’s where I’m at too. I feel like I would have cleared out half of everything for him and let him do what he needed to do. But all I keep getting is “I’ve already given away so much stuff I could have filled 2 apartments”. Which isn’t true, because I saw what he gave away. I got rid of all my furniture and kitchen stuff that we didn’t need already. I’m coming in with my clothes and like 15-20 boxes of my things. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Most of the time. 😉
We will definitely keep talking about to work through it. But man this would have been easier 15 years ago! haha
Post # 9
Fiance and I moved into his grandmother’s former business and renovated, adding a kitchen. (After I’d been living on my own since I was 18, and managing an apartment all by myself for 3.5 years) I feel completely comfortable with the kitchen…I hand-picked the counter tops, the appliances, etc, and I invested as well. But the rest of the house?? I feel like a guest. Like I don’t really belong. So much so, that I don’t even want to clean. I don’t feel like it’s MINE to clean.
Plus, a lot of FI’s family’s stuff is still stored around the house, in the extra bedrooms, etc. So how could it feel like mine when the place serves as storage for everyone’s old junk????
I’m thinking we need to have a weekend and haul off a bunch of old junk, and start to kind of claiming it as our own, and doing our own thing with the house.
Post # 10
We’re having this problem now. We lived together at one point, separated (long story, it’s fixed now), and then for a while I “lived there” without living there. I’m not a naturally neat and orderly person, but this was hard. There was no dresser for my clothes, for example. We’re finally mostly moved back in together as of a month or two ago, and it’s getting better, but I still have a lot of boxes sitting around. :
Post # 11
I think he needs to understand that it is no longer his house. My mom went through this with my stepfather. I am not going to lie here. It did not get better until they moved. In his mind it was always his place and yes she lived there, but it was his. Things did not become theirs until they bought a new house.
If you want this to work you are going to have to sit down and calmly talk about house boundaries. Is it feasible for you to move nearby until you can get a place together? It sounds like he is only somewhat prepared for you to move in and the temper tatrum about the room is not a good sign. In theory it all sounds good until reality hits, that is what he is having a problem with. You invading his space.
Post # 12
we didn’t have this problem because we moved into a place together, so it had never belonged to one of us before the other came along.
but… what i think you need to do is just not even ask. start ACTING like it’s YOUR home and then he’ll get used to it.
Post # 13
We had this problem to a certain extent. I moved into his place and it wasn’t quite that he didn’t want to give me space, but he didn’t have time to help me unpack and he’d come home and be unhappy with what I did. We talked about it and resolved the issues.
It turned out part of the issue for him was just not knowing where some of his things that I had moved had gone and wanting a few things (but not all) put back. (And I was a little miffed he didn’t appreciate all my hard work to meld our stuff.) I finally just bagged up some papers that he needed to go through and gave them to him. One year later, those brown paper bags are still sitting untouched on his side of the bedroom. I think I may move the bags to the basement shortly, although I’m pretty sure that’ll ruffle some feathers, in an attempt to get him to deal with them.
For me, it was impt to get some pictures up quickly so I felt more like it was my place. Once he realized how impt that was, he stopped procrastinating and did it immediately.
Post # 14
This for me has to be the most difficult part – I am set in my ways and he is set in his. The Merging of Stuff will be one of our tougher obstacles. I have a love for lots of stuff and he is into a modern vibe and feel.
I will be moving in with him, and I know that he is ready for this – he keeps telling me to start purging some of my stuff before he does (eekk).
So pray for us. LOL