The million dollar question: How do you learn to trust?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3805 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’m a pretty trusting person by nature (within reason). I tend to believe people and take their word for things until they give me a reason to not trust them anymore. 

Post # 3
Member
6809 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

For me, I generally begin by trusting, I don’t learn to do it.  I assume the person I have met is as decent a human being as I am until they prove me otherwise, then I adjust accordingly. The very good work friend from my first job who told people truths and lies about things my other friends and I had said?  We stopped being friends immediately.  But until that time, I trusted her to keep her yap shut about private conversations.  My husband, whom I met online and traveled 2000 miles for?  Well technically I did keep my eye out for any creepy behavior, but still, I trusted that I could go camping and exploring with him without being murdered – 11 years later I’m still alive, so that seems to have worked out unless he’s got a very long term plan.

What do you mean by “the littlest things make me raise an eyebrow” and “I’m a year out”?

Post # 4
Member
4066 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
erin013 :  you’re a year out from what? Your wedding? And you don’t trust your SO?

I’m not a very trusting person. I’m always suspicious about people’s intentions and I tend to be very closed off. 

Post # 5
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I too am the type of person to give another when I first meet them the benefit of the doubt. However, break my trust the first time and I never forget and I’ll probably hold a big grudge against you.

My Fiance has never done anything I “raise an eyebrow to” or anything like that.

I am also curious what you mean by this?

Post # 6
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

I was in a relationship with an abusive narcissist for 5 years. I trusted him.

I am four years out, but I can honestly say with certainty that I will NEVER trust another human being 100% ever again. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I don’t care. I have the responsibility to protect myself first and foremost. 

I still believe I can have healthy relationships with people. I know I am more guarded than most, and I take much longer to form friendships and open up to others- but I’m okay with his. With my SO, I trust him to a point where I do believe he has my best interests at heart, which is huge for me. But do I trust him unconditionally? No. Nor do I expect that from him. I know at any moment he could do something or become something that can hurt me. I don’t actively seek out evidence for this, but I wouldn’t ignore suspicious signs. 

Many people don’t understand. Or they’ll say it’s not fair to punish people for one person’s wrong doing. But not granting full trust is not punishment to another person, it’s protection for yourself.

Do I wish I wasn’t like this? Sometimes. Will I ever try to voluntarily change? Probably not. From my past experience and what I’ve learned, I’d rather be alone forever then to potentially even have the chance of letting another NPD back into my life. And that’s my choice.

Post # 7
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m curious what things you are referencing about “raising an eyebrow.”

Im not really sure about trust. Ive been cheated on in the past so I feel I always have a “look out” and im kind of jaded. For most people I try to give them the benefit of a doubt, but I’ve been burned a lot by “friends” and whatnot. It’s a fine line to me.

Post # 8
Hostess
4186 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I guess I am just hard wired to be trusting. I assume the best from people. I have had people betray my trust, but such is life. That doesn’t mean I won’t choose to trust the next person. Why would I put the actions of someone else onto another person, you know? It’s just like so many other things in life, if you get hurt and choose to shut yourself down, what does that acheive? All you’re doing is preventing your own happiness. Trust is a choice, but I think it is a choice you should make for everyone. The Tao says something about trusting those who are trustworthy and trusting those who are not, that is true trust. It just makes me think that maybe those who haven’t been trustworthy in the past are simply looking for an opportunity to redeem themselves. I trust not for the good of others, but to keep my heart open and keep my walls down. 

Post # 9
Member
11424 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

It’s not about whether you trust or not, because it’s common to mistrust everyone after a bad experience. It’s about learning to evaluate if other people behave in trustworthy ways. There are signs to look for, we just don’t always know them or pay attention until we’ve been burned. 

Learn the behaviors of trust worthy people and watch to see what people do.

for example: 

if they gossip to you about their other friends, probably not trustworthy 

if they present past relationships like they are the victim (other than abuse, of course) or don’t have a grasp on what lessons they learned, possibly too immature to be trustworthy

look for signs of integrity, because it’s hard to be trustworthy without integrity 

look for signs that when they give their word,they’re accountable  

look at the behavior of their friends 

do they lie easily, or deceive as a first response? 

On and on, acknowledging that none of us are perfect- it’s about making an effort to be reliable and honest 

lastly, ** make sure you are acting in trustworthy ways so you attract others who also value this. **

 

 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
11482 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Although I always try to believe the best about people and give them the benefit of the doubt in terms of their motives, I also judge the facts based upon the evidence that is before me and make my determinations accordingly. For example, I can love some extended family members and believe that they may have the best of intentions. However, I may have excellent reason, based upon an individual’s history and patterns of behavior, not to trust him or her with a high-level of responsibility or with sensitive information. I believe that trust must be formed gradually, over time, based upon the experiences you have with an individual.

I once read something a psychologist wrote about testing the waters of trust early on in a romantic relationship. He said that you should begin by sharing some benign information about yourself and tell the person that you would like him or her not to share it with others. Because release of the benign information can’t really hurt you, you’ve really lost nothing if you find out that the person told others what you asked him or her not to tell. If, however, you begin by sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, and the person is not trustworthy, you’re taking a very big risk.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
desertgypsy :  I wouldn’t say being cautious and not granting full trust prevents happiness. Ive actually found the opposite has potential to create extremely unhappy situations.

Post # 12
Hostess
4186 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

View original reply
mingogo4 :  I’m glad you have found something that works for you. I, too, have found something that works for me. Good thing we are both idividuals capable of learning from our experiences. 

Post # 13
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
desertgypsy :  I wasn’t arguing against what works for you, I was arguing against that “not trusting others” “prevents ones happiness”. While it may be true for you, it shouldn’t be a generalized statement. Also, being somewhat closed off achieves protection from getting hurt in a lot of cases, to answer that question. I do not feel “trust everyone”, even those that are untrustworthy, is good advice. Would you trust a stranger with your child? I won’t say they are in the majority, but there ARE people with not so great motives that will exploit, hurt, and take advantage of others. I would not ever wish a loved one to take such a naive approach to the world. 

Post # 14
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
mingogo4 :  I agree with you. I don’t believe that distrusting people get betrayed any less than trusting people. I hear the same people all the time say “I am never going to trust anyone again” and they are the ones who seem to be forever getting betrayed. Lack of trust doesn’t seem to help. On th other hand, I try not to rely on people who probably lack the capability to follow through.

Post # 15
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

I agree with @BalletParker that you learn over time whether you can trust someone – or rather if someone is trustworthy. The simplest way I think of it is that a person builds or earns trust with consistency over time. Consistency in their words and actions. In the end, though, you have to make a choice to trust, and there are no guarantees in that choice. It’s a risk, no matter how you approach it, but you don’t have to – nor should you – trust blindly.

Being yourself, I think, isn’t necessarily dependent on trust. Trust may dictate how much of yourself you reveal, how vulnerable you’re willing to be, but being yourself can happen all the time, not just in the context of trusting relationships.

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