Post # 1
My fiance and I just got engaged in November. We have been together close to 5 years. Ive made previous posts about how my fiance has come from a very bad broken home that made him unsure of marriage. Last year he had a epiphany and realized he is ready to settle down and get married.
The one area im struggling on is the money conversation. I know his credit score, and I have a general idea about his salary/comission based job. However, I feel like we have to know everything about eachother when it comes to finances. I know he has some student loans, but I dont know how much is in his savings account etc.
To give a little background, his father abused his mom and stole money from her for drugs. They constantly fought about money, and this has planted a seed in my fiances brain. He is traumitized over his parents marriage. On top of that, when we first started to date, he was not making a lot, i supported him, but was afraid my parents would not approve and didnt want him to disclose how much he made to my parents. This is also something he cannot forget.
He knows I would never steal from him. We both have moved along in our careers and live comfortably. I want him to feel like we are partners and that I will not leave him. Hes seen what his parents went through, and it has scarred him.
How do I talk about finances without him being defensive? He doesnt like how the world revolves around money. Hes never asked how much is in my bank account, but I have no problem telling him these things.
Post # 2
I’d sit down and ask him all of the questions on this list and fill them out side by side. If he gets defensive or refuses to answer, I think you should remind him that getting married has serious legal and financial ramifications. If he doesn’t act like a rational, responsible adult and answer those questions with you, rethink getting married.
Post # 3
Are you open to keeping finances separate in any areas? That’s my husband and I decided works for us–though I realize it’s a bit taboo.
Post # 4
Yes, we want to have separate accounts for our fun money. So if he wants to golf or if I want shoes, we cant get mad at eachother. And the have a joint account for shared expenses like for a future house payments.
Post # 5
I’d look up the laws regarding community property in your state. You have a right to know where the money is going in a marriage, IMO, so discussing debt and savings and separate accounts is all important before marriage. Likewise, you need to discuss savings, potential children and their savings for school, how you will pay for vacations, etc. If a guide would make it easier, then by all means get one and do it together. If he will not talk, then the two of you need counseling BEFORE marriage.
Post # 6
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I agree that this is something both of you need to communicate on before marriage. I would want to know all of the details and he should know yours. If he is hesistant or withdrawn, I would remind him you don’t have to completely share finances. There are a lot of different ways of splitting money that can work for anyone.
As a side note with his parent’s money: usually people that use their upbringing as a way to be closed off later are just using it as an excuse. It’s similar to “oh my parents got divorced when I was young so I don’t know if I’m ready for the commitment of marriage.” It’s an easy way to get out of doing something. He should know you well enough to know you aren’t going to steal from him and there are plenty of ways so that couldn’t happen (like having totally separate bank accounts). I agree that if he doesn’t comply with you then marriage counseling is absolutley necessary.
Post # 7
Financially compatibility is a huge deal! I work in personal finance and I cannot stress how much your savings, debt and financial goals are tied to your spouse (even if you choose to maintain separate accounts). I would be starting this conversation with him, like today! Please do not marry someone without knowing their habits… if this is someone you want to build a life with, you need to have an open and honest relationship about finances. I could go off on a ten paragraph rant on all the ways.. my own sister got engaged to a man that she didn’t even know how much money he earned a year and I almost had heart failure. when she told me that.. I am getting sidetracked here. I would also consider googling around and finding a CFP professional in your area. You can meet with a professional who will have the tools and knowledge to help you build a financial plan and how to mess together your separate financial pictures. Finances are too big of a part of the puzzle to go into marriage without talking about! Good luck!!
Post # 8
5 years and you don’t know about each others finances? Do you live together?