Post # 1
How did you (or plan to) bring up the topic of money for you wedding?
In a perfect world, I’d rather not spend more than $5,000. My parents cannot contribute anything. They’re both disabled (a nurse comes by five times a week and will have to be figured into the wedding) living off of $1,200 a month, don’t work, and are left strapped for cash by the end of the month. I can’t ask, wouldn’t ask, for any money. My Grandpa, who has some money, I doubt will give anything. He doesn’t like to give money, but maybe he’ll surprise us.
FI’s Dad and Grandfather, on the otherhand are, well, loaded. But, whenever money is brought up, or they talk about lending family money, it’s a sore topic and they’re the type to hold it over your head if they do lend money (heck, even “give” money as a gift). I’m dreading bringing up the topic with FI’s Dad. He’s the type who will brag about buying a boat and beach house, but complain about paying for dinner when we’re visiting him.
We plan on opening a savings account for the wedding and starting to save what we can. We’re planning a 2013 wedding (I’m guessing March, since it’s our anniverary month, the month he proposed in, and it’s an off-season wedding month).
How did you bring up the money talk to your family? Or did your family bring it up themselves?
This has me so worried!
Post # 3
The general consensus seems to be wait for the offer to come, and if it never does, then plan on paying for the wedding that you can afford.
Post # 4
I agree with the general consensus. You don’t bring up money talks with anyone about your wedding. In fact, you don’t even have to discuss what things cost to anyone.
You plan the wedding you can afford. If someone offers money to you for your wedding, they will come to you and offer it. Even in that case, I have read of cases where that money falls through and the couple planned on spending it. So in the end, I’d just say plan the wedding you can afford.
Post # 5
I discussed it with my parents, and he discussed it with his…I believe that both sets of parents offered to contribut something and that opened the lines of communication so that we could really narrow down how much that something would be.
Post # 6
The way we opened up the money discussion is we asked our families to provide us their comrehensive tentative guest list so we can figure out a budget. Once the word budget was uttered, those who wanted to contribute jumped in and took the reins and offered. Those who didn’t just said ok and started working on their guest list.
Post # 7
I didn’t ask my parents and they didn’t offer. My husband’s family contributed and I let him handle those discussions. My husband has a very large family. It was fairly obvious that it would be impossible for us to foot the bill for the wedding without taking out loans or saving for a long time, so if they wanted the big party, they would have to contribute.
Your husband probably knows a good way to approach his father about money. If I were you, I would limit my involvement to behind the scenes, especially since you mentioned that they seem to be a little funny about it.
Post # 8
yeah, i say wait for them to offer. my parents always said they would help as much as they could and my aunt, who i’m very close to, offered to help as well (she’s going to buy my cake). my fiance’s parents can’t afford to help pay for anything. we didn’t want to ask them, but i didn’t want them to feel “left out” of everything either, so we just kinda threw it out there and told them “if you’d like to help, you’re welcome to. if you can’t, we understand and it’s no problem.”
and just to echo what everyone else said, please don’t plan a wedding that you can’t afford! my fiance’s sister got married thru the church last year (they a civil ceremony years ago), and it seemed like everyone was contributing money (including me), except for her & her husband. and that rubbed people the wrong way. this was a wedding that they had been wanting for years, so they had plenty of time to save, they just chose not to (or didn’t know how).
if you guys are going to be on your own, it may be tough to save up enough and stick to a budget, but it is possible. you just need to cut back on your spending in other areas (skip the mani/pedi’s, no eating out, no shopping sprees, etc…)- something my fiance’s sister didn’t do at all!
Post # 9
I planned my wedding without soliciting money or guest lists from either side of our families. It is our wedding. We will pay for it ourselves…and invite whomever we want.
Post # 10
We planned the wedding completely on what we could pay ourselves. Anything our parents gave us was given as a gift. I flat out told my dad when he asked what we were expecting that we had the wedding taken care of and if he wanted to gift us money that was completely up to him as was the amount. It really took away any of the finiancial vs control issues some people have.
Post # 11
my suggestion is like all the PPs. Wait till they open up the discussions. If they want to help, they will offer. If they don’t want to offer (whether they are well off or not), they won’t want to and you probably won’t hear the end of the it for many years to come.
And once you start planning the wedding, I highly recommend to have a list of essential stuff like things you can actually afford with you two’s money only now. And then another list of stuff like upgrades/ nice to have, if down the road some family members are able to help, then you guys can “upgrade” your wedding.
I have seen quite a few wedding thread recently where money falls through in the process and they can’t afford their wedding anymore. Always good to start small to go up than have to cut back on everything (it’s painful just to think about it!)
Post # 12
Our wedding is in 2 days… OMG… we have paid for it ourselves. The only thing left to purchase is the soda’s and I will do that tomorrow.
My ex and I paid for our wedding ourselves as well, and that was 25 years ago.
My middle daughter became engaged 2 weeks ago, I told her that day what she can count on from me, and that if I can do more at the time, I will. I also told her when I would give it to her. I have already started putting funds away for her.
Coming from someone with 3 daughters, I certainly hope they do not all get the idea now.
If your old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for it yourselves, wait to see if anyone offers, but plan on paying for it yourself JIC. My budget was $2500, I was able to bump it to $3000 and I am right at that now. But that includes most of our honeymoon which is 5 nights in Gatlinburg as well.
Post # 13
I agree with PP. It doesnt matter how loaded they are…. it’s THEIR money, its YOUR wedding…. I see no connection that says they should help pay for it. Sure, it’d be nice if parents helped out, mine did, so I’m certainly not bashing it. But I would never ask for money. Even after they mentioned they would pay for the reception, when payment due date came near, I didnt ask them for the money to pay… they brought up how they should get the check to the venue. If they didnt bring it up again… I would have just paid it myself since I still budgeted for what I could pay for. Their help was just a huge bonus. I like @Meowkers: suggested it as an opening to see if they want to offer.
Post # 14
I agree with you- however giving money to one daughter and not all of them? I dont like the sound of that, and neither will they! (even if the others are financially independent of you)
Your wedding, you pay for it, anything extra should be treated as it is, an unexpected gift.
We saved for a year for ours, and got some lovely gifts along the way…. I would NEVER ask my parents for money, nor my InLaws…
If they wanted to add certain people to the guestlist- we had a limit on the number,
However where Im from people give money as gifts so the number of the guests usually cancel each other out…. (some guests dont give gifts and some are v generous) we did take a note of who gave what though HAHAHA, we know who gave us nothing!
Post # 15
We didn’t ask. Just planned as if we would be paying ourselves. Our budget was around $6,000 which we saved over about 6 months. My mom generously offered to buy my gown which was around $600 and his parents offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner which we had planned to pay for, so it was a nice surprise. His father also gave us a large monetary gift after the wedding, that was unexpected and very generous.
Post # 16
Oh yeah, and we did not offer them input on who they wanted to invite. If was our friends and family.