(Closed) ‘The Myth of Covering Your Plate’ – an insightful article about this debate

posted 11 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013


Post # 4
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I think that we have to drop this debate. While your point of view is valid (and one I mostly agree with — gifts shouldn’t matter), it isn’t everyone’s. (and yes, this excludes the money-grabbing behavior you describe above; that is never a nice thing to do).

A “marriage” is considered by many to be a communal, shared event. In many cultures it is expected that the couple’s personal community/friends/whatever help out, because that’s just what is done. In fact, in some places, refusing help from friends & relatives would be terribly insulting. In Western/North American culture, it is the opposite. What difference does it make if one disagrees?

I just think we’re sliding a slope here and insulting people whose points of view may be different. What’s offensive from one perspective is proper etiquette from another.

Post # 5
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Thank you for this article! Really, I’m glad you posted this; I was beginning to feel a little twitchy-eyed and crazy from the posts on here. I agree, we all need some perspective, and we all need to just chill out and worry about our future lives with our grooms, instead of crying over who’s getting what gifts and when.

If I look back at my wedding and only remember how stressed I was over my gift count or the amount of cash I got, I’ll have ruined what is supposed to be a beautiful day. You are so right: Let’s get over it! It’s far more important to concentrate on things like the first dance with my new husband or making sure I get lots of candid shots of my best friends and me while we get our makeup done, or remembering to pull my parents aside to hug and kiss and thank them. All the rest of this stuff is, as you’ve said, so not important.

Post # 6
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

great post.  GREAT POST!!  Im so glad you posted this.

Post # 7
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Good article!  It keeps everything very much in perspective.  

As for me, I am just excited to be married to my wonderful Fiance and have a fun celebration with all my friends and family!  Even if it is still a year away… 🙂

Post # 8
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’d give you a standing ovation if I could!  🙂

Post # 9
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

GREAT POST! AMEN to that! 

Post # 10
3358 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I didn’t read the article posted above because i’m pretty sure i know what it says seeing as i’ve read the many MANY threads posted about this issue here on the Bee.  I have to agree with Oyster that this discussion just needs to stop.  I feel like people are just shoving their views down the minority’s throat on this one and not willing to see that this practice may be the norm in other regions and cultures.  I know that this is the practice in my culture (and to a lesser extent in my region and social circle) for the precise reasons oyster so eloquintly explained above.  

Enough already.  We understand that many, (most), of you do not agree with this practice but can we just stop bashing the ladies for whom this IS the norm.  We are not money grabbing, shallow people just because our cultures put a larger emphasis on family/community financial involvement in the wedding process.

I just do not see the point of posting this topic over and over again. it’s not productive.

Post # 11
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m all about community involvement and love potluck dinners and not leaving a couple paying for my meal.  But that being said asking for a large gift isn’t about community involvement it’s expecting financing and not giving other options for those that aren’t as well off as you are but could help in other ways.  I’ve always thought of community as something more than a checkbook.

Post # 13
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with the No-pay for plate mentality but I also agree that this is a conversation – like religion, politics, what have you – that is not productive.   People will have their own feelings about gifts, at the end of the day (hopefully) everyone is married and can move on with whatever gifts they did or did not get!

So yes the wedding is about the marriage – but this conversation is often less about glorifying ‘the marriage’ and more about being on the right side.  I didn’t realize it was such a hot topic till today unfortunately..

Post # 14
294 posts
Helper bee

Thank you startruck!  I’ve wondered where this idea of compensation came from.

Meowkers, I understand your point about some cultures putting a larger emphasis on family/community financial involvement in the wedding process and want to honor that, and also acknowledge that some guests may not be from the couple’s culture or understanding and should not be expected to hold to that standard. 

Post # 15
2492 posts
Buzzing bee

Agree with the article 100%. Unless the guests are paying for their own meal (which is rude) or they are paying for the wedding (which is also uncalled for as they are no longer guests at that point), *no one* but the couple has ANY clue how much the meal or anything else costs. A gift is *never* required nor should it be expected. Give what you can afford and leave it at that. If the couple is unable or unwilling to graciously accept what they receive (or don’t receive if someone can’t afford something) and get upset by it, then they are having the wedding for the wrong reasons.

This has nothing to do with majority vs minority. This is basic common courtesy that prevents awkward social situations, which is what etiquette is and why it was invented. People can complain all they want about how inconvenient and outdated etiquette is but their guests will be majorly inconvenienced and offended if don’t follow it, especially if the guests in question have too much class to say anything so the couple thinks it’s ok because no one complained, which is absolutely wrong.

Post # 16
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

Here’s also what I don’t understand, if you expect people to cover their plates, and know there’s a variety of budgets, wouldn’t it then be very rude to get married at a place that costs >$50/plate. 

The topic ‘‘The Myth of Covering Your Plate’ – an insightful article about this debate’ is closed to new replies.

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