(Closed) ‘The Myth of Covering Your Plate’ – an insightful article about this debate

posted 11 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 17
Member
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am really glad you found (and posted) this article.

Post # 18
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee

@troubled, when you host a party, you spend what you can afford, and you fully acknowledge and accept that you will never see that money again. If the meal costs $50/person then so be it, but only the host is paying that. Most people can’t afford that (as a host) and know full well that they will not see that money again. A wedding is not a fundraiser of any sort. Countless people do not give cash gifts of any kind.

Post # 19
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

@Ember – Sorry, guess I wasn’t clear, I just pulled $50 as a random number. I really don’t think that covering your plate is a necessary guideline to follow. 

I was just asking for those that think it is good etiquette that woudn’t it then be necessary politeness to make your wedding affordable to all guests.  

 

 

Post # 20
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

I understand that this concept is completely normal in certain cultures. But I would be extremely surprised if anyone had a wedding in which every single guest was of the same culture.  As we have seen from these threads people have very different expectations in this matter. For each persons wedding, they will have guests who have a variety of opinions on gift giving.

 

I have seen many threads on Wedding Bee lately in which a bride KNOWS someone must have money because of other expenditures. For example “I can’t believe they only bought me a $40 gift, they just bought a 4 bedroom house” or ” Why won’t she spend money on my bachelorette party, she just took a vacation to Florida.” Someone used a favorite Betty Draper quote of mine on here today “Quit counting other people’s money.” We never really know someone’s financial situation and wedding or no wedding, they are under no obligation to spend that money on us.

 

Post # 21
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee

Where I am from, “cover your plate” is a directive to guests to think about what the couple is spending and try to estimate a gift in that price range.  It has never been about knowing exactly what the couple spent and/or the couple staking their wedding budget on recouping costs.  It is merely a suggested directive for guests who are interested in helping out the new couple.

I’ve been to wedding where I covered my plate, didn’t cover it, and exceeded it. None of them is wrong.  And I don’t think the cover your plate girls are saying that it is (I am one of them and I am not saying any such thing).

Post # 22
Member
3358 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@sudslover: I don’t think most brides expect their guests to cover their plate even if that is the culture they come from.  I think this concept comes more into play from the guests’ perspective.  So I would never expect my guests to cover their plate but when I am a guest I do try to estimate how much the couple might have spent per plate and cover it.  I’m not saying it’s WRONG not to, i’m just saying, this is the practice where I come from.

ok, now i feel hypocritical for continuing to contribute to this topic Tongue out

Post # 23
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee

Meowkers…Just said the same thing.  AMEN!  But I will also say this, as a guest, I would think it rude not to give a gift sufficient to my means, why shouldn’t brides have this same expectation?

Post # 24
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

Because only the gift giver would know if the gift was sufficient to their means. 

Post # 25
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee

But is the bride expected to check her expectation at the door?  If she is upset because she got nothing, she’s upset.  Does that make her a horrible person?

Post # 26
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think any one should expect gifts, no.  I don’t think it is very nice if someone would rather a close friend skip the wedding than attend without a gift.

Look at this another way. Let’s say a woman is proposed to with a 1 carat ring. She wanted a 2 carat and is upset. Does that make her a horrible person? i don’t know, but it would seem to make her a person who values objects over people.

Post # 27
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I had a thread about this topic several weeks ago that didn’t seem to get out of hand, but I think it was because I discussed it from the guest’s point of view. For a guest, I think there is nothing wrong with considering the “cover your plate” idea if that works for you. In some ways it is a little odd to give more to someone for throwing a more lavish party, but at the same time I can understand it as a statement of gratitude. Weddings are a wonderful opportunity as a guest to reconnect with people, but they are hard work.

But the idea of expectations is tough to me. Maybe it’s just because everyone is travelling for my wedding, but I just can’t feel justified in holding it against someone if they get me nothing or something small. I have very decent means for my age, and I tend to give generous gifts. But I honestly hope they are received as a sign of affection, not as just what I was “supposed to do.”

Post # 28
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I haven’t posted on this topic previously (under my non-secret name or this one). However, I find all of the replies applauding the OP disturbing. 

@Starstruck, in your rant you tell people to “get over your traditions.” What an ignorant and close-minded comment. Just think about what you said for a second. Doesn’t Weddingbee value diversity and different tradtions? 

Regardless of where one comes down on this issue, I hope we all agree that telling someone to get over their traditions is not okay. Other than that, I agree with those who’ve noted that it’s time to stop debating this. 

Post # 29
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I appreciate that article. And you are completely echoing my thoughts—”Surely, this is not what a wedding is really all about.”

I’m really bothered by those of you telling her not to bring this up.  Starstruck has every right to share her point of view.

If you don’t want to hear it rehashed, then you can choose to ignore the thread!

Post # 30
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Also, I want to add that I think that most of the intent here is not to bash other opinions.

I am really glad that this has been such an active topic. I have never heard of covering the plate before, and it is really helpful to see where the people who adhere to that live. I don’t think I’m the only one who was sitting here, thinking, “Oh no! Have I been doing the wrong thing all along?” [by not following that rule at weddings I’ve attended] And seeing lots of other people who also have never heard of it is reassuring. Now I see that it’s a regional and cultural thing; I definitely breathed a sigh of relief after realizing that.

All of the responses are helpful. That’s why WeddingBee is such a good forum.

Post # 31
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Completely agree with those that say it’s PAST time to let this one die.  I feel both sides are a little closed-minded and frankly will never really see the other’s perspective.  All this post is, is – once again – one side trying to prove they’re right.  Well, this isn’t really a right or wrong situation.  Let it go.

The topic ‘‘The Myth of Covering Your Plate’ – an insightful article about this debate’ is closed to new replies.

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