(Closed) ‘The Myth of Covering Your Plate’ – an insightful article about this debate

posted 10 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 32
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

Also, lots of people have weddings where everyone is from the same culture. That is not a strange concept as many people do not know a single soul outside of thier own culture, and if they do, they may not be close enough to choose to invite them. Again, nothing wrong with that, nor is it unheard of, despite what may be the case in someone else’s social circle.

Post # 33
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I don’t get what’s so disturbing about applauding starstruck on this one. That’s a little melodramatic, don’t you think? She said we all need to get perspective and worry about presents second to the really important stuff, like our actual marriages. I think she brought up a great point!

I can’t speak for her, but I took her comment about traditions to mean that we need to stop expecting so much. Traditions are a beautiful thing but we can’t always demand that our entire guest list adhere to them. It’s unrealistic!

Post # 34
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Heck we specified no gifts for our wedding although apparently some people didn’t believe us and gave us some anyway. It’s the third wedding for both of us and we struggled to combine two complete households into one. Between us we had 5 TVs, 4 blenders, 3 bread machines, well you get the picture. Our wedding was a celebration and if a guest showed up and maybe signed the guest book, I was plenty happy!

Post # 35
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

MeowkersI don’t think most brides expect their guests to cover their plate even if that is the culture they come from.  I think this concept comes more into play FROM THE GUEST’S perspective.  So I would never expect my guests to cover their plate but when I am a guest I do try to estimate how much the couple might have spent per plate and cover it.  I’m not saying it’s WRONG not to, i‘m just saying, this is the practice where I come from.

heather25  

Where I am from, “cover your plate” is a directive to guests to think about what the couple is spending and try to estimate a gift in that price range.  IT HAS NEVER been about knowing exactly what the couple spent and/or the couple staking their wedding budget ON RECOUPING COSTS.  It is merely a suggested directive for guests who are interested in helping out the new couple.

I’ve been to wedding where I covered my plate, didn’t cover it, and exceeded it. None of them is wrong.  And I don’t think the cover your plate girls are saying that it is (I am one of them and I am not saying any such thing).
 

Thank you ladies for your trying to give an alternative presepctive . I don’t care for the fact that some people want to focus on a single line that I made in post from another thread and repost it all over the place, but whatever . I’ll be the first to admit i’m not the most articulate and tend to write off the cuff (thank god for the edit button) but boards never cease to amaze me with how selective folks are in trying to prove their argument, but not take in consideration other things that a poster clearly said and in the same thread nevertheless (sorry if I’m doing it now) LOL .  It’s exhausting trying to convince people that your ARE NOT advocating that brides go on “finance” my wedding run,  but to exactly what you two wrote above. 

I find it off putting to when posters attempt to take a high & mighty tone of  trying to “school” folks on the proper perspective of marriage. Honestly my first thought was “How dare they?”  Making broad assumptions about diamonds (which in my case is laughable) and lavish weddings (again laughable) and rich relatives (beyond ridiculous). Indeed this topic is beyond tired, but if your going to include a quote or use a paraphase of mine, then I assume (perhaps wrongly) you are painting me with that broad brush and I will not gonna sit back for that, because its so far from who I am. I’m not trying to start a war here just being honest.

Thanks for the article.

 

 

Post # 36
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

And one last thought, I find this thread SO ironic considering 4 days before you posted, you start a thread where you went to not one or two but seven  different stores to locate a “fine china pattern” for your registry in time for your “traditional” engagement party. And after that – here comes the grand lesson on proper perspectives of weddings. Really. Glass houses much?  

Sorry beehivers im not trying to be snarky.

Post # 37
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Thank you Oyster!!!

 

While I think SOME people take this too far, I don’t think people are generally THAT obsessed about recouping the money from the wedding, like come on now.  We just think it’s polite to try to cover your plate, what is so wrong about that??  I would not judge someone who doesn’t, but I like to cover my plate, and I dont want to feel like its wrong, jeez!

Post # 38
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

No, bklynbridetobe, completely agree with you!!  If weddings were ONLY about getting married, we wouldn’t even have Weddingbee LOL… just go to the church/city hall and sign the papers.  There’s so many things that come into play and bring it all together..

Post # 39
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow!  I never knew this was such an issue until the recent weeks on WB.  I have many friends who are from a culture in which cash gifts for the approximate amount of your plate is the “norm.”  I’ve never been told to do it.  But I know that the expectations for their weddings are different from ours. For exampel: they are expected to invite many, many more people and so are their parents (Think 300+).  My Fiance and me are having 80 (NOT the same culture). So, their weddings are much more expensive and are a much greater financial toll on the couple.  In many cases more than they can afford, but they also can’t afford to sever ties with their families and cultural tradition.

For my friends for whom these large weddings are the cultural expectation as are the cash gifts, I bring a card with  cash.  I know that’s the expectation.  AND I know that’s what’s needed.  For my friends who have a different tradition, I bring a gift.  Again, because I know it’s what is expected and wanted.  I never thought either would be such a huge controversy.  Different strokes for different folks.

Post # 40
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

My original comment came off as rude, even though I didn’t mean it to be, sorry! I’ve never heard of this custom before, interestingly enough.

Post # 41
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with you Miso, I think you should TRY to give according to the culture & social circle, but that’s just me.  I’m not here to judge others who don’t.  Can we all agree we’re beating a dead horse here, and just accept the differences.

Post # 42
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

It comes down to culture for me and my fiance cover your plate via cash or gift equivalent is the norm, and what is done and what will be done by our family and those in our culture.

The article was entertaining but does not resonate with me or my family. If a family member is suffering a financial hardship that is understandable and I’d want them there gift or not. There is a difference between can’t and won’t.

Yes I will recall everything I was given and who gave it. People do keep books, b/c if “Aunt Martha” gives me 20 bucks and she is in a good financial position then my parents are not about to give her daughter $250.

This is a circular argument and pointless. Link as many articles as you like it won’t change families and cultures. Quote Emily Post, again won’t change families or cultures. I can see miss manners influencing ppl who’s ancestors came over on the Mayflower but families who are ethnic and cling to their cultural traditons, consider her etiquette protocal for upper white class snobs.

It is not a “Myth” it is how it is done in certain cultures. I am sure if I showed up at a British wedding and danced while pinning money to the bride the ppl there would think I lost my sanity BUT in many cultures money dances are a cherished tradition.

Someone posted something about registering for China at 12! And having a bridal tea displaying it?! Now to me and my fiance that is madness but to that poster it is what is proper.

Different cultures/backgrounds, different families…different etiquette. That article is not universal and Emily Post is not universal. If an etiquette question is posed all Bees will give advice based on their subjective opinion formed by family, culture etc etc. It does not make any one particular person “right”. Just as my concept of etiquette does not resonate with some, there has been etiquette advice on here that IF I implimented it in MY wedding, every guest would think I was the T word and that I lost my damn mind.

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