(Closed) the need to feel attractive and wanted…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@stargazer102706:  I cannot relate, per se, but maybe help a bit…

Most, if not all, relationships exit the ‘butterfly’ stage, and move into a stage of comfort, sometimes complacency.  I think post-butterfly phases, this is often when relationships ‘sink’ or ‘swim’.  All of a sudden, the hormones/endorphines of the new and exciting wear a bit, and you are looking at this person thru much clearer glasses!!  Not the rose-colored ones 🙂  I would think that in 7 years, that phase passed for you a long time ago, and you have chosen your Fiance, and this relationship, as it is or, at least, as you want it to be. 

I think what is going on is more of bump in the road, one that will probably re-occur over the lifetime of the relationship.  I feel as if the personal issues you have with yourself can definitely hinder how you are feeling about your relationship, but more so, the relationship has become stagnant due to BOTH of your complacency.

Relying on your Fiance to make you feel better, and have better self-esteem is not fair.  You need to find that confidence in yourself.  However, needing your Fiance to show you romance, validation, firtation, etc is really important!!  The same goes for him too…!  You two BOTH need to work on adding spark back into the relationship.  That is not his job alone, or your job alone, but something you communicate and do together.  There is no reason to believe that IF you step outside your relationship, it would be his fault.  Nor has your unhappiness with yourself his fault.

I think grieving the ‘new’ relationship feeling happens, but if you take a good hard look at perhaps all you have been thru, the love you hopefully share with this man, and the fact that you two have one another, then it should be easy to see that the grass is NOT greener on the other side.  Good luck!

Post # 4
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@stargazer102706:  I went through something like this and I think I was frustrated at not getting as much attention from my SO as I did at the beginning of our relationship. I did some things I’m not proud of and kept talking to certain people even when they started flirting with me. I rationalized that because I wasn’t acknowledging it that it was okay, and that the attention wasn’t bad for my self esteem. Of course that hurt my SO’s feelings a lot.

It’s tricky to navigate because mentioning that you’re sort of accepting certain attention from other men that should only come from your SO is a hard pill for a lot of guys to swallow. But don’t lie, and yes, lying by omission counts. If you and your SO are the real deal, you will realize sooner or later that you’re just going through a phase and that the person you are with is the one, no matter how boring and unsexy some of your nights can be.

Post # 5
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have not gone through this myself, but I have heard/read about people getting to these spots, as the first person who replied to this mentioned, after the hormones wear off.

Can you maybe do some things to spice up your life with your FI? Maybe roll play out on the town one night, come up with a funky new sexy game, just run away for a weekend and stay in bed (wink wink) all weekend in a strange new place? Buy some new lingerie and jump his bones? Something like that?

Post # 6
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@stargazer102706:  I have sex dreams CONSTANTLY, and they RARELY involve DH–I wouldn’t worry!

Post # 8
4691 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@stargazer102706:  Your dilemma is epically common. I deal with it myself, as do most women (who aren’t lying to themselves!)

You dealt with it so well. Lots of girls just act like hoochie mamas when they get bored and restless!!

Post # 9
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013


I’ve been with my Fiance for 12.5 years. We are FAR out of the butterfly stage. There have definitely been periods that we didn’t give each other as much attention as other times (if we were really busy/stressed with school, work, etc). It happens. Its good that you told him how you feel. Usually one of us will say, “lets go away for a weekend” or “we need to go on a date” when one of us is feeling neglected. I think its normal to go through these periods in long relationships.

Post # 10
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am teeeelling you – WATCH. THIS. http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html

How you’re feeling is so normal. I’ve felt that way many times. It’s (as you can see in the video) the tension between desire and security, the fact that the security and comfort of a relationship is at direct odds with the mystery and excitement of “new love” (or flings). And I don’t think there’s any fixing it. It’s something you deal with, a choice. Marriage is kind of a sacrifice in a way.

Two things that help me: a) reality is rarely as good as fantasy. Sure, I can fantasize and imagine what it’d be like with somebody else – but you know what? After a while, it’d be the same shit with them too haha. b) I realized my fantasies and “what if-ing” are, at the root, about *me.* I’m envision myself as more glamorous, different. Oh, if I were alone, I’d live this exciting, sexy life. But am I actually like that? How long could I hide my flaws and boring parts before the excitement wore off? So a big part is discovering and uncovering the sexy parts in yourself and allowing them into boring, daily life. It can almost be disappointing that your husband loves you “just for who you are.” Where’s the challenge in that? I talked to my Fiance about this – about wanting passion – and he said (to paraphrase): “Your definition of passion seems to require conflict. The passion you’re talking about can only happen where there’s an obstacle to being with a person. So, it sounds like you think passion can only happen in an innately flawed relationship.” That was a BOOM moment for me. Sometimes our “boring” relationships don’t feel super passionate, because they’re *good*, they’re safe. So it may never be knee-melty, but it can still be sexy. 

Edit: Hey, I’m living in LI right now too! Small world.

Post # 11
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@lealorali:  “You dealt with it so well. Lots of girls just act like hoochie mamas when they  get bored and restless!!” Hahaha, love it.

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