The newborn phase and relationship issues

posted 2 months ago in Babies
Post # 31
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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@jdun17: 

do you have many friends with kids? Literally almost everyone has this same story. Newborns are generally rough on marriages. It’s totally normal and it does get better, just as do all stresses caused by a little newborn terrorist taking over your life. The Hollywood narrative may be all lovey doves smooth sailing, but real friends should tell you how tough newborns are!! It sounds like you haven’t gotten the legit story from people you know. But for that other poster to say that anyone whose story is different is a liar is just a silly generalization – that was my point on that. 

Hang in there. Babies get easier after 6-8 weeks, and easier again at 3 months, and easier again at like 6-7 months. It sounds like your hubby is a good help, which is SO important.  

Post # 33
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3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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@jdun17:  oh I see. Yeah this is sooo common and definitely not something usually portrayed in pop culture. Hang in there!!

For me, as much as it sounds like a crappy mom thing to say (but again it’s SO common and nothing to be ashamed of): for me, going back to work after 3.5 months was kind of a relief. All day every day with a baby is intense.  I loved the snuggles, but holy cow it’s a lot. It sounds like you are pretty independent and probably will be working again sometime? That’s hard in its own way of course (pumping, leaving your baby with others, etc) but also helps normalize your life. Hugs!

Post # 34
Member
8256 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Girl, I am cfbc but my husband and I have a (sick) foster puppy and are about to kill each other. I can’t imagine how stressful an actual child is! I hope you guys are able to get some rest, relax and reconnect.

Post # 35
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6978 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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@KittyYogi:  “for me, going back to work after 3.5 months was kind of a relief”

YES! I went back to work right when my son was 3 months old and I was so excited! I learned very quickly while on maternity leave that the Stay-At-Home Mom life was not for me. I remember people kept asking me if it was hard for me to go back to work and be there without him but…honestly no…? Like did I miss him? Sure, but it was so wonderful being around other adults for a change and feel somewhat normal.

OP, I’m sure having a baby during COVID times is making it even harder, because you probably feel even more cut off from the rest of the world. Are you still on maternity leave or do you work from home? Will you be going back into an office/work environment anytime in the near future? Because that might help you start to feel a little better as well. I think that’s one of the reasons I’m having such a hard time again now while my son is 2 1/2. I’m working from home now and I feel kind of trapped here. So I’m not a Stay-At-Home Mom but I kind of am. It stinks! 

Post # 36
Member
15144 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

 The newborn phase is hard, but honestly, having a child changed everything for me/us.  I mean think about it, your entire life focus has now become thus little human you now have.   There’s no more just a easy couples relationship where the worst argument might be about whos not doing what house work.  Your life is now a sleepless, ever tired, anxiety ridden roller coaster about how to raise this kid.  I think the newborn phase is just the beginning.   But no, it doesn’t mean divorce, you just learn to deal with this new life together. 

Post # 38
Member
13608 posts
Honey Beekeeper

The thing that stood out to me is that you say there are things you’ve known about since the beginning of your relationship that are suddenly annoying you now and worse. These personality traits or habits predated the baby, so what are they? It’s possible that with the stress of being cooped up in a small place as well as the huge change that comes with a new baby, that you are only now seeing your husband for who he is, and it’s also possible that these are minor annoyances being blown up out of proportion. 

For the record I’m another poster who is not a lying liar who lies. Newborns are a lot of work, and our life certainly changed, but we both expected and embraced that. My husband could not have been more supportive, less jealous or resentful of time spent caring for the baby or the way his life had changed, or more of an active parent. Such men do exist. 

However, it’s not an easy adjustment for some and with the pandemic you are going through a doubly stressful time right now, with no relief and few outlets or resources for support. I agree with PPs that counseling could be a benefit.

Post # 39
Member
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ve always believed in the idea of not making any major relationship decisions in the first year (except in extreme cases obviously). Raising a tiny human is hard work and there’s no preparing for it. Even if you have a lot of experience with children it can be totally different when it’s your own.

I have a 10 week old atm and DH is also working from home. The minute he clocks out I hand him the baby and go have a few minutes to myself. Even it’s just something simple like going to check the mail or picking tomatoes in the garden. He’s really great with our kids so no complaints there, but I get so touched out after ebf and caring for the baby all day.

I didn’t see if you explained what exactly the issue with your husband was, but maybe you just need to be really frank with him about it? I know my dh didn’t really get how exhausting it was with our first kid. In his mind I sat on the couch most of the day, how hard was that? But after I explained how I felt he totally understood and made more effort to give me some “me” time.

Post # 40
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@jdun17:  I have a 2.5 month old and newborns are hard! This is our second and we had less arguments this time around but still had some. I had a c section with complications and everything except feeding the baby fell to my husband – honestly I think the fact that I was beat up made us argue less. He really understood how much rest and recovery I needed where after my first birth he didn’t get it since the birth itself was fast and easy (for giving birth and ripping your vagina…)

You both need to make a conscious effort to over communicate and check in often with how the other is feeling. 

Post # 41
Member
1786 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club

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@jdun17:  The first year was indeed tough. I thought we were gonna end up divorced. I had a difficult pregnancy and an emergency c-section that really did a number on me emotionally. The first three months were the WORST! i mean, looking back, we were all adjusting to our new litte dude and balancing work, life and school (husband was finishing his last semester of grad school). I stayed home for the first 5 months, and my husband took 3 months after. And we each had our needs. Eventually it evened out, like around a year or more. its always something new. and its ok.

Post # 42
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

I have a bit of a different take on this – but not because I think it’s abnormal or that your marriage is doomed, certainly not! More arguments and irritability is 100% normal and expected. I do think, however, if it’s gotten to the point where you’re actually questioning your marriage on a regular/semi-regular basis and contemplating divorce (don’t know if the latter is the case here), then I think it’s time for counselling. I think counselling is an amazing tool and most couples don’t consider it as a real option until it’s too late.

Post # 43
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Bee I don’t have kids – but is it possible to join a virtual mother’s group through zoom/Skype? It might be really helpful to connect with some other mamas as you said most of you’re friends don’t have kids and obviously Covid is impacting other options.

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