(Closed) The night that everything changed (Long Vent)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how betrayed you feel, and how hopeless the situation seems right now. Quick question… the wedding date on your profile is August 2015. Is that correct? If so, then there’s no urgent need to make any decisions about your wedding yet.

In the meantime, I highly recommend speaking to a therapist or counsellor. He or she may be able to help you process your feelings and choices in a private setting so that you don’t have to face your family or perhaps even friends with this knowledge.

Be strong, you’ll get through this.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Your fI doesn’t know anything about this?  First of all, I think you should discuss it asap.  You are marrying this man and he should be the person that you are able to tell everything to.  How far out is the wedding?  A few months?  Year?  Talk to your man about it!

Post # 5
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

i’m so sorry you go throught this, you are in my prayer …

don’t give up on marriage 🙂

Post # 7
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry that you are going through this.  It is best to never make any major life decisions right after such a shock.  You should take your time and see how you feel in a few weeks or  a few months.  Even with your wedding being 8 months away, you can take some time off planning to resolve your emotional issues before moving forward with whatever marriage you want.  My venue closed and i had to find a new venue and replan everything except the dress and photographer in 4 months, and everything was fine.  Stressful, but fine. 

Post # 8
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would hate my dad too.  You should have your wedding without your dad walking you down the aisle and no father daughter dance.

Post # 9
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I am so sorry that this is happening. To an extent, I understand exactly. My parents have been married for 27 years now, and there’s talk of them possibly getting divorced.

All the issues came out two months before I got married, and it was hard to process. I am not going to say what it is, because it is an extremely controversial subject, and I don’t want this thread to stray from the intended subject.

I didn’t want my father to walk me down the aisle either, though it’s different in the fact that I didn’t really want him to walk me down in general. However, the issue made it more difficult for me to want him to walk me down. I wouldn’t rush the decision. 

I hope you don’t think that I’m pushing my opinion on you, so feel free to ignore my advice if you wish. I personally did give in to letting my dad walk me down (because my mom was extremely worried that we’d get comments, and it was easier to just give in), and I wish with everything now that I could go back and walk myself down. I was cringing the entire time, and there is not a single picture of me smiling walking down the aisle until I joined my husband. I don’t want you to feel the same way I did and still do.

If you want the big wedding, you should get it. If you’re sure that you wouldn’t regret it, going with a smaller wedding or changing some details would be entirely possible in 8 months. You shouldn’t have to do something that makes you uncomfortable.

Post # 10
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

Don’t let your parents’ divorce affect your day.  It’s 8 months away.  Your parents can act like adults for one night.

As for your dad walking you down the aisle, what about just walking down by yourself and your Fiance meeting you half way?  Then you walk back to the altar together.  I’ve seen this at weddings before, and it’s just beautiful.

And just scrap the parent dances.  They don’t have to be done.

You have plenty of time to make adjustments to the wedding.

Post # 11
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh honey, I empathize with you. My father had fidelity problems when I was a child and my inability to cope with them well caused a decade-long rift between us. 

 

I agree with PP that you should have the wedding you want, but make sure whatever changes you make you won’t regret in the long run. 

It’s your day it’s your (and your FIs) decision

Post # 12
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

First of all, you need to discuss it with you Fiance.  If he is a good man, he can keep it to himself and not upset things further.  It will make you feel better to get it off your chest and help you decide what you want to do.  I know that it’s hard but you might regret not having a wedding later on because of this.  Unfortunately, things always happen that get in the way of the wedding.

Post # 13
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

You could always have your dad NOT walk you down the isle and NOT have the father daughter dance. My dad HATES my Fiance so he’s not walking me down the isle and because I don’t dance we are just doing the first dance and that’s it but we are still inviting him. You can leave him out of the wedding and still have what you dream of. For now, I would just plan on leaving him out until you get your feelings in check and then if you decide to put him back in you can.

Post # 14
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ditto MissHobbit. It’s still your wedding, and you can make whatever changes you’d like. A big wedding you’ve been looking forward to is still fine, but parent dances and your dad walking you down the aisle aren’t required and changing those doesn’t require changing your whole wedding.

Take some time (like a week at least), wait until you see Fiance again and talk with him about it to help get it all out, and then you can decide if you want to switch up the father-centered parts of your wedding.

*hugs* to you

ETA: Don’t beat yourself up or feel bad for defending him before you knew about his actions.  You were supporting him based on your knowledge at that time, and you do not need to make things harder on yourself. You were deceived, but you cannot feel bad for anything you said in support of him when you had no idea of his activities. 

Post # 15
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My first question is how long have you known?  If you have been dealing with this for several months and still feel you want to change the wedding, then do so.  If it was in the last week, I would say give yourself another couple of weeks before you change anything.  Just take a break from planning for awhile. 

I would also suggest pre-marital counseling if you aren’t already planning on this.  Issues with parent’s marriages and especially infidelity can really mess with people and shake their belief system.  It’s hard to believe that these issues so close to your own wedding might not impact your relationship in some way, so working through them together now before problems start can only help.  It is already making you question your wedding choices, don’t let it lead you to question your marriage as well. 

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