(Closed) The Notion of “Its MY Day” – How Far Do You Take It?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
4160 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well my take is that yes it’s “your” day but for my Fiance and I, we are trying very hard to make it about our friends and family also.  For example, we won’t be sitting at a table in the front of the room on a pedistol (sp?)  We’ll be sitting on the same level as our guests, with our families rather than our bridal parties at our side.  Even though it’s OUR wedding, and we’re doing what WE want, we’re such easy going people that as long as the major stuff goes as planned, it will be just fine.

  From reading WB and hearing from other friends who’ve been married, I know not everything will go as planned, and I’m trying not to fret about the small stuff.  I’m a perfectionist when it comes to planning events at work so this is hard for me!  We’re also very non-traditional and doing things that you @lisa105: might not agree with from what I’ve read from you before ๐Ÿ™‚  That wasn’t meant to be snippy by the way!  Either way, it is our day, and we will do what we think is best for us, with or without ideas/help from friends and family.

Post # 18
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with OP, big picture things like 800 of my inlaws closest friends, no that’s crazy.  But turning down some sort of family tradition or custom, I can’t really see doing.  It’s a celebration brining two families together to bond for life. 

Post # 19
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t know that I would say I have a totally different view, but it’s not a view I read regularly.

The only part of the day that is mine or ours is the ceremony.  Throughout the planning process I’ve come to realize just how important the ceremony really is to me.  Fiance and I have had fun putting a twist on most of the traditions that come with the reception. . almost making fun of them.  But the first time he tried to do that with something at the ceremony I had an instant reaction.  It took me a while to figure it out, but finally realized that while I’m willing to make a joke of parts of the reception, the ceremony is really serious to me. 

All that to say that for me the ceremony is a public declaration of a commitment I’ve already made in private.  So while the ceremony is all about us, there wouldn’t be a public to declare to if we didn’t invite guests.

The reception is all about my guests.  I see it as a way to thank our friends and family for giving up their Saturday afternoon to be the public we declared our commitment to. 

I may eventually eat these words (though I hope not) but no part of that day will be MY day or OUR day.  It’ll mostly be THEIR day.

Post # 20
Member
4581 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I might play the “It’s My Day” card when one of my bridesmaids rejects my ideas and tries to come up with something she thinks is better. I think that’s justified. She got married earlier this year, she had HER day, she’s done. ๐Ÿ™‚

For the most part, though, I’m not that particular. I ultimately just want everyone involved to have a good time.

Post # 21
Member
3563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with most PPs that the wedding is about so much more than just the bride and groom–otherwise, everyone would elope and get married off by themselves. Weddings are opportunities for families to come to gether, for parents to show how proud they are of their children, and to share in important tradtions.

However, at the same time, just as it’s not ONLY the bride and groom’s day, it’s also not ONLY the parents’ day, or ONLY the family’s day. There needs to be compromise by all parties, especially if they’re sharing the costs and the planning. I’ve felt put up against the wall by our parents, especially my dad and and DH’s mom, and while the decisions were not ones that would affect our day so negatively or have such a huge impact on us, it was more that idea that our opinions and wishes were not even being considered. Parents can be ‘zillas too!

As for the bride who refused to do the hora, I have to empathize with her. I refused to do the hora dance part (where you dance in circles, linking arms) and I didn’t want any Jewish music whatsoever, because DH and I don’t relate to it at all and we wanted to dance all night. My parents and DH’s parents were a little upset but they got over it. I also originally refused to have the challah cut at the wedding because I wanted as little jewish symbolism at the wedding as possible. However, we gave in on that because it was obviously MORE important to our parents that we have it than it was important for us to not have it. It’s a give and take.

Post # 22
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

 I don’t take it that far at all.  To me, the wedding day is about my fiance and me, his family, my family, our friends.  We would not be where we are alone, that phrase it takes a village to raise a child… well it is taking a village for our wedding too.  We have a friend making the cake, my aunt singing, my Mom is making the flowers, his family is helping decorate for the reception…. and that is what I feel  our wedding is about:  Everyone.  It is not just about me or me and him, it is about everyone.  I want the love to be palpable on our wedding day, and I know that by loving everyone and not taking the “its all about me” approach for the wedding, that it will be. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 23
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I hate that notion, period. I find it immature and selfish, personally. A wedding is a day for the bride AND groom to celebrate with their friends and family.

Post # 24
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I think this post is somewhat misplaced on Weddingbee. On both the blogs and the boards, I see primarily a lot of brides bending over backwards and tearing their hair out trying to please everyone, and painfully realizing it’s just not possible to make everyone happy – and forget about the notion that the day should be about them. People around here are so terrified of being labeled “bridezillas” that they dedicate the lion’s share of their energy to balancing what everyone else wants. It isn’t healthy and I think everyone could use a little encouragement that they are going to have to stand up for themselves and make tough decisions, because otherwise they’ll drive themselves crazy and likely still fail to please absolutely everyone. This stereotype of the spoiled, hyper-entitled bride is demeaning and actually quite sexist in my opinion, in addition to simply being off-base in most cases. Outside of MTV, I think you’ll have a hard time finding a bride who actually doesn’t give a crap about anyone but herself.

Post # 25
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I wish it was more of “our day”.  I think it will be more like 3 family reunions with a short intermission for a wedding.  My Fiance thinks I should start using the phrase “its our day” more often.  We actually had a family member tell us to get over it and realize the wedding isn’t about us but about their family.  I’ll just show up when they tell me to.

Post # 26
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@Snowy414:  ๐Ÿ™  That is sad to hear.

Post # 27
Member
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

View original reply
@CorgiTales: I TOTALLY agree with you. I really always believed and still do that a wedding is a celebration of the COUPLE and who those two people are. Their friends and family are there to support them as the bride and groom not there to celebrate the families coming together!

That being said I still think it is important to keep in mind the wishes of others and to respect them, not necessarily concede to them.

Post # 28
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

Lisa – I agree with every single thing you said! 

Post # 29
Member
3313 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I was lucky in that I never really had any opposition in the things that I was planning for our wedding.  However, family is and was and will be very important to me!  Everyone kept telling me it was “MY” day from my mom to my hubby, to my friends.  My response was “Nope!  It’s OUR day and YOU are a very important part of it!”  

Without my hubby there would have been no reason to have a wedding.  Without my family and his family, there would have been no reason for anything other then a civil ceremony.  Without our friends it wouldn’t have been nearly so special!

Post # 30
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just want to add that “our day” was designed with my family and his in mind….I just don’t think that once you made a decision, that someone (anyone!) should talk you out of it,  make you feel guilty about it or cause you unecessary stress over it.

just wanted to clarify

Post # 31
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think this idea is only really problematic when the point of contention is something that might seriously inconvenience guests and family.  Insisting on a sushi and lobster menu when Dad and Grannie are deathly allergic to shellfish, for example, or demanding that your bridesmaids fork over a ton of money for a dress they clearly dislike.

They key, I think, is whether or not a decision will have a concrete impact on a person, or be so seriously offensive as to damage a major relationship.  None of our guests were asked to perform an action more onerous than showing up on time and wearing pants, so I’m not terribly bothered that his conservative grandparents didn’t like our donation to a marriage equality organization or that people thought our whispered vows to one another were weird.

I don’t feel as though I was terrible, horrible no good very bad bride for it.

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