Post # 1
I’ve been wondering about this for awhile.
When I first met my FH, we had a strict rule about our past sexual partners. We were just Not Going To Talk About It. Period. Over the next couple of months, jokes and guesses and various ‘shots in the dark’ were made about our prospective ‘numbers.’ In the process, he had come up with an assumption that I had been with at least 4 (including himself), which was the number of serious relationships I’d had before him. This is an assumption that I neither confirmed nor denied. After an extended period of my neither confirming nor denying, he had come to believe that this number was concrete. Well, after my own secret sleuthing, I come to find out that HIS number (shockingly!) was only TWO (INCLUDING myself!) At 22, this came as an incredible shock to me, as everyone in my town, ahem…got around. Especially the men.
Well. Suffice to say, his number is not accurate. It is actually quite a bit higher, while still decent for a woman my age (which I found out after some detective work among my friends and the people they know.) While I hope this would not change his opinion of me, there is no way to be sure.
We are now well past the two year mark, the move-in, the proposal….and I’m left thinking….do I tell him? My inner voice says “NO! GOD NO!” Because of this, I have pretty firmly decided that a womans secrets are her own to keep, and my dear hubby to be is better off left in the dark.
What about you, Bees? Does your husband/FH know about all your sensual adventures? Has he always known?
Post # 3
@Mashiara: DON’T TELL HIM! My Fiance assumes my number is around 4 or 5. Yeah… er… let’s just say no. Anyways, I always assumed his would be around the same as mine. I found out, through him slipping up one day, that his number was between 4 and 6. I was shocked! Have I corrected my Fiance on my real number? No. Frankly, I don’t want him to have to think about WHO the people I have been with before him were and I don’t want to have to explain why my number is more than the significant relationships I have had in my life.
Sometimes the past is best kept in the past. I don’t want to know about the partners he has had, the positions he has been in, who he has said “I love you” to and I bet he doesn’t want to know the same about me– some things are meant to be kept as secrets.
Post # 4
We kind of have the same rule. No talking about it. I absolutely do not want to know his number. Whether it’s 2 or 20. I know he’s had sex with other people, he knows i’ve had sex with other people- I just don’t want a number where I’m going to try to figure out who they are in my head. I prefer to just know it’s me now and me for the rest of his life.
If he’s not straight up asking you, i’d probably just not say anything. You aren’t doing anything wrong by any means. And unless it’s like 100+ people and you’ve contracted diseases, etc. I can’t imagine it would ever stop him from marrying you.
Post # 5
Well, DH and I know about each other, but only because we’ve been together since high school and were well aware of who the other had dated before we got together. If we had met later on and started dating, I can’t say we would have talked about it.
All I can say is that your sexual history is your business. I see no reason you have to tell him.
Post # 6
Fiance and I know how many the other has been with. Like zippylef, we’ve been together since HS. I agree with what she said, if we’d met later, we may not have talked about it. Maybe in a general way, but probably not an exact number.
I really don’t think you need to tell him. You’re with him now, those people are in your past. That’s all that matters, in my opinion.
Post # 7
I would say no, don’t tell him. It’s not really a need-to-know kinda thing and it’s not hurting him not knowing.
I’ve only had sex with 2 guys (including my FI) and he knows, but I’ve had “relations” with more guys than that, but my Fiance doesn’t know that. It’s never come up in 2.5 years, so I’m not going to bring it up now.
Post # 8
There are just certain things better for a man to not know. This is one of them.
Post # 9
BF and I have the same agreement. I dont really mind sharing those details, but he is pretty uncomfortable hearing about it. So I’ve never told him and I never will. If your SO’s assumption is innaccurate, just let it be. You getting reamed by “x” number of penises is probably not the mental picture he wants to have. As a woman, we are entitled to a bit of mystery, don’t let this bother you too much. It’s not a big deal and not worth bringing up.
Post # 10
good god NO!!! what’s the point? it’s not important to your relationship. i made the mistake of being open and honest about my number with an ex, which for a woman in her early 30s is maybe above average, but definitely reasonable, and our relationship was never the same. i blame myself for not just going along with his guess and him for being so judgemental (granted he is turkish and i guess women in turkey are much more chaste).
my current SO and i have never even kind of broached the subject and if he did i would just say “i hate thinking about you with other people and don’t want any thoughts of it in my head. let’s not get into details.”
Post # 11
Fiance and I both know each other’s numbers and have even talked about many of our previous partners and what happened. We discussed it fairly early on in the relationship, and it wasn’t a problem for us. I know it is for plenty of other people, though.
OP, Do you feel guilty about not telling him? If that’s the case, then go ahead and tell him. Otherwise, unless you know of someone who might accidentally tell him your number, or he flat out asks you to tell him what it is or if his assumption is correct, I’d just leave it alone. I don’t think you should even worry about it. You’ve gone this long, without telling him and it’s not like you’re number is going to change at all. Don’t worry about it and just let it drop.
At this point telling him might cause more harm than good because you’ve, to some degree, led him on by letting him believe that the concrete number he’s come up with is correct. If it’s brought up at this point, I think he has the potential to be upset not just because the number is higher than he thought, but also because you’ve let him believe that, which leads to trust issues.
So, I think just let it go.
Post # 12
My number is 14 and SOs is 40 (give or take he says, lol). Honestly it doesn’t bother me. If telling him wouldn’t make any difference then I don’t think it matters if he knows or he doesn’t.
Post # 13
FI’s is about 20. Mine’s 4 but he thinks it’s 2 and I’ve never corrected him!
Post # 14
If you’re going to tell him, don’t tell him the truth. i honestly believe it’s the one time you should lie if you are being pressured to give up the information. He might feel like he wants to know, but he really doesn’t want to hear the truth.
Post # 15
No, no, no. I don’t want to know and he doesn’t need to know. It’s just unnecessary.
Post # 16
I don’t know why it matters? I mean, you are committed to him now. The past is the past.