- 6 years ago
Hello ladies, I am feeling like a total fool and would appreciate some advice, or perhaps a virtual slap to the face.
I am afraid that I have become a victim of the old bait and switch. I have been dating my SO for about 2 1/2 years. A year ago he had an opportunity to take a job in a different state 500 miles away. We were kind of long distance, I would visit him, he would visit me, but hadn’t made any plans for the future. He is divorced and had said that he wouldn’t marry anyone again until he had first lived with them, and I had been in a 5 year live-in relationship that ended with a 1 1/2 year engagement and subsequent break up and did not want to live with anyone again until I was engaged or married.
Well, I caved, found a job in the new state and moved in with him about six months ago. During our time apart, I spent a lot of time with friends and family, I traveled a ton, but I missed him a lot. I tried dating other people but I realized I only wanted to be with him. When we started making plans for me to move in with him, it went really quickly. I found a job, broke my lease and moved in within two months of the beginning of the discussion, but he knew that marriage was important to me.
I am feeling a lot of pressure lately, as my two (younger) sisters are married and one has a baby on the way. I really wanted us all to have children at the same time and am becoming upset that that doesn’t seem like it is going to happen. I was counting on an engagement coming soon after our cohabitation, and I don’t think that it is coming. We had an alcohol fueled conversation about it on Saturday night and he said that he will put my name on everything (life insurance, bank accounts, mortgage) but that if he gets married again it needs to be “on his terms”.
I know that some of my reasons for wanting to be married are totally superficial (party, pretty dress, pictures, etc), but most of them are much deeper than that – I want to stand in front of our friends and family and pledge our love to one another, I want to be a family and have children, and I want it to happen very soon. I don’t want to feel like the girl who is just shacking up with the divorced guy while my sisters have husbands who were so proud and excited to marry them. I also don’t want to pressure him, I want it to be on OUR terms, not his.
So, my plan is to wait until after my birthday (mid January), and hope that an engagement happens but if it doesn’t, I’ll tell him that I love him, and I want to spend my life with him but the commitment of marriage and children is also very important to me and that I want to try to find that kind of commitment with someone. I don’t want to issue any ultimatums or manipulate him by threatening him that I will leave if it doesn’t happen by such and such a date.
Is dating a divorced guy with the intention of marriage just a total waste of time?