(Closed) The old bait & switch?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I don’t think that dating a divorced guy is, in general, a bad idea. But I do think you need to have a frank (sober) conversation with your guy about yours and his expectations. If he has no intention of marrying you soon, and that is a problem for you, best to know now and get out rather than waste your time waiting around and being frustrated.

Post # 4
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@OhSookie:  I think as long as you are very sure what you want and are willing to stick to your guns, it’s not. There are plenty of bees on here who have been left waiting indefinitely by guys who have never married, so I really don’t think the grass is greener in this case. But it seems like you guys really need to talk.

Post # 5
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Are you bluffing?   What if he says no?

Post # 6
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t think it’s necessarily a mistake to date a divorced guy. Many divorced people are happily remarried. They may be a little more cautious about picking the right person the second time around, but they do get remarried.

The problem is your bf’s attitude to marriage. He says if he gets married it has to be “on his terms” – sorry but why should he get to dictate the relationship?! It isn’t fair of him to insist on his own terms when you also have your own desires and wishes and should have an equal say on how the relationship progresses. This “my way or the highway” approach is disrespectful and selfish.

Initially I think you should talk to him about what “on his terms” actually means. If it means that he gets all of his own way and dictates the relationship while you follow along meekly and have no say in anything, then I think it might be time to dump him.

Post # 7
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

@Gorjuss:  Exactly this. No one should go into a relationship wanting/expecting it to be “on his/her terms”. Relationships are about compromise and respecting/meeting your partner’s needs. On the surface, this guy sounds utterly selfish (YOU moved states to be with him, YOU moved in with him against your own preferences for engagement before cohabitation) – has he done any sacrificing for your needs? Or shown any respect for you as an individual with your own dreams and plans? If not, he might be in need of dumping, sooner rather than later…

Edited to add: Sorry for sounding so harsh! I think you’re doing your best to make this relationship work, and I just can’t tell if he’s putting in equal effort. To answer your question, I don’t think dating divorced men is a waste of time. But I do think it’s a waste of time to date men who are selfish or unwilling to compromise.

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