- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2015
I don’t quite know where to start with this post or what I expect to gain from it so I’m sorry if it reads a bit funny and jumps around. I just need to get this out somewhere I won’t be judged for it. Or at the very least not judged by people I know in real life.
So, there’s this guy that I’ve known since high school, about as long as I’ve known Fiance. He’s a grade behind me, so we didn’t have any classes together, but we were taking the same foreign language and met in the club for it and we’d go to competitions, hang out, etc. We’ll call this guy K and I had a huge crush on him. He was cute and mysterious and funny and SUCH a gentleman and sweetheart.
I learned while in high school that it’s silly to like someone and not tell them. If they don’t know, how can anything change. So, I told him how I felt. I didn’t expect anything, I wasn’t asking him on a date or to be my boyfriend. I was letting him know and putting the ball in his court. He didn’t feel the same way. I was hurt, but it was ok. I started dating Fiance and that was pretty much that. K and I still hung out both alone and with friends, but nothing ever happened. Then Fiance and I broke up. And all the feelings I had for K that had been put on the back burner suddenly came back to life. So once again I told him and once again the feelings weren’t returned, except this time he had more of an explanation that’s gotten more fleshed out over the years of knowing him.
Basically, he met a girl who at the time was in an abusive relationship (I should note here that K is a total white knight and it’s one of the things that attracts me to him. When it comes to fight or flight, FI’s reaction many times is flight. K’s is fight. In fact, he almost got into a fight with Fiance for smacking me on the ass without my consent, but that’s another story) and he helped her get out of it, falling for her in the process. She moved to another state and over time they’d lose contact and then get back in touch and he’d visit her and she’d visit him. He’s been waiting for her since high school and is still waiting. She, however, is not waiting for him. When things look like they’re finally falling into place, she ends up with someone else. K’s never had a real girlfriend because whenever he looks, he’s looking for her and there are never two of the same people. This makes me really sad for him because he’s an incredible person.
Anyways, I’ve come to accept that it’s never gonna happen and have always considered him my “one who got away” even though that’s not entirely accurate. I’ll say now in case anyone’s confused, I love Fiance with all of my heart and I know that we are meant to be together. K and I, while still friends, have grown apart and any chance we had was missed a long time ago and I’m ok with that. He moved out of state, I got engaged. We text every now and then, hang out when he comes to town, but that’s about it. Fiance knows how I felt about him and knows about our current “relationship.” It’s not an issue for us. We are both secure enough in our relationship that it’s not a problem.
Except for the thing Fiance doesn’t know, nor do I intend to ever tell him (it’s nothing really bad, I promise). Before I met K or Fiance or any of the friends I still keep in touch with from high school, I was friends with an entirely different group of people who fucked me over mentally pretty badly. Fiance knows about this as do other friends. It’s not something I keep secret. If you ask I’ll tell you.
I met this group of friends right when I started middle school (one that my elementary school didn’t feed into, so I knew no one) and had spent the previous two years being bullied continuously. I only had one friend in that entire time. People made elephant stomping noises when I walked by, told me I needed to get my stomache stapled. I wasn’t picked last at recess, I just wasn’t picked. They pretended I wasn’t there waiting to be called. So, when I met this group led by a guy, R, who was cute and popular and they seemed to like me, I was thrilled. I would do anything to keep these friends and not get teased. Eventually, doing anything meant letting them touch me inappropriately (I developed early, was a D by 8th grade). I let it happen. I wanted it to happen. Because if they weren’t touching me, they were ignoring me and I couldn’t let them lose interest in me and not be my friend anymore.
When we started high school, it got worse. I didn’t realize it at the time, but they weren’t even trying to be my friends anymore. They kept me around solely for my boobs or company when everyone else was busy because like a pet I was always there waiting for attention. Then R began taking a special interest in me and I always liked him, but he never really paid any mind, so I was even more willing to please. I let him go a bit further with me than the others. I didn’t even care that he had a girlfriend because he was paying attention to me and that meant he liked me and I wanted him to like me. He broke up with his girlfriend and I was just so sure that he’d ask me out, especially after all I’d let him do. Then, while his hand is in my pants, he tells me he’s going to ask another girl to go out with him.
I was shattered. I wish I could say immediately, but eventually, I finally got the courage to get new friends and that’s when I met Fiance and K and everyone else that helped me through the rest of that time. However, I’ve never really been able to truly get over the idea that physical attention=love or attraction. This led to Fiance and I’s first break up back then. I was so freaked out that he was actually respecting me and my body that I thought I was doing something wrong, that he didn’t actually like me. I ended it.
Now, several years later, I’ve told Fiance all about this and we’ve worked through it. He gives me all the physical attention I need and I’ve learned that just because he wants alone time doesn’t mean I’m inadequate. However, this all means absolutely nothing and goes right out the window whenever K comes to town. Nothings ever happened and nothing ever will happen because, like I said before, K’s a gentleman and still pining over the other girl and has no problem telling me no. However, I always end up feeling like an idiot with butterflies in my stomache and a hard on.
I love Fiance and I’ve grown so much since high school and all that drama, but my newfound sexual awesomeness (FI and I have a lot of fun) coupled with my issues makes me go crazy when K’s around. Not enough to do anything, but enough to act like a fool. Even though logical, rational me knows that it wouldn’t work out between K and I as we’re not compatible romantically at all, nor would I want it to because I’m head over heels for my fiance, the part of me that’s stuck in the past, that needs a white knight, that still has feelings for K, is convinced that if I show enough skin or look sexy enough or act slutty enough that he’ll show me the kind of attention I wanted from him all those years ago. I revert back to that insecure teenager who’s desperate for the cute boy to touch her because that means he likes her and wants to be with her. I don’t want that anymore. I really don’t. It’s like an involuntary reaction. Once he’s gone, the normal me comes back, but when we meet up it’s like I’m 16 again! It’s ridiculous!!
Anyways, back to the point of this post. K text me earlier today to let me know that he’s going to be coming back in town for Christmas and to let him know when I’ll be free to hang out. Almost immediately I was thinking of what will I wear, how can I impress him, etc. I hate it! I hate it, but I can’t stop it! I’ve made a point of not hanging out with him by myself for a long time. Back in high school, the two of us and a couple other friends would get together for movie/game nights. Whenever he visits now, I get everyone together for one again, so it’s never one on one and it’s easier to act like myself. It’s just so infuriating that even though I don’t want to feel this way and act like an idiot, he just has that affect on me. I’m no longer a damsel in distress and I have my prince charming. I don’t need a white knight to rescue me, but I always go back to that when K’s around.
I don’t want to not be friends with K. He’s been nothing but nice to me and doesn’t judge me for the shit I do when I’m not in my right mind. I just want to stop reacting this way towards him. I want to have a mature friendship with him. I just don’t know how. Fiance likes K and doesn’t have a problem with our friendship like I mentioned earlier. They don’t really hang out and FI’s almost never there whenever we have a game night or something with our other friends. Not for lack of trying. Usually he’s working or something. He doesn’t know how I go stupid when with K, nor do I plan on telling him. I only see K maybe once every other year. It doesn’t affect my relationship with Fiance. I don’t see the point of making an issue of it when it’s not something that happens very often.
Like I said at the beginning. I don’t know what I’m hoping to gain from this post. Maybe some insight as to how to snap out of it and have a normal friendship with K. Or to make me feel like I’m not an awful person for feeling and acting like I do. I’ve seen a counselor before, but we didn’t really discuss this. It wouldn’t have even occured to me regardless to talk to her about K. That’s how rarely it affects my day to day. I just don’t know. Again, I’m sorry if the post is a bit incohesive. I just needed to talk to someone about it. I know it’s long. I’m really bad about being concise. If you made it all the way through, though, I appreciate it.