Post # 1
Hi ladies. I have been with my SO for 4 years and we just attended his brother’s wedding this weekend. The ceremony was beautiful and we had so much fun. All of his family got to meet my parents and I was even included in their family photos.
Well, just as I thought, there was just as much attention on my SO & I and if we were next. Now, I never mention the thought of us being engaged because I would never want him to feel pressure. That’s why I tried to be as polite and dismissive of the rude questions that I could be so as not to make him uncomfortable. However, whenever anyone asked, I looked over and he was wincing and proceeded to flee the scene, leaving me to fend for myself lol
Needless to say, I was put off by this and I wanted to confront him about it later. Keep in mind that we have already stated that we are 100% committed to each other and we could never see ourselves with anyone else but we have never brought up the “m word.” I asked him if he really was that freaked out by the idea of people thinking we could be engaged and he said he wasn’t freaked out by the idea of it, he was just uncomfortable because it was people who barely know us asking. After that, we were talking about how much fun we had and how beautiful everything was and I asked him if he could ever “see us going down that same road.” He said “I don’t know” in a very rude tone, turned over and went to bed. Just like that.
So there I lay, tears running down my eyes with thoughts of why he didn’t know rushing through my mind. I know we’re young (22 & 23) but I never said anything about it being soon. I was simply wondering if he saw us going down that same path any time in his future. I could understand his reaction if I was constantly nagging, but I enjoy where we are now and things have always been amazing in our relationship. I know for a fact he wants to get married someday but I can’t fathom how he doesn’t know if it’s me he wants to marry.
I know wedding fever was in the air and he probably saw it coming from a mile away. I even apologized if I made him uncomfortable and he said it was okay but I get a feeling that he thinks I nagged him about it.
I guess I just feel very insulted by his reaction to the questioning and to me confronting him about it.
Ladies, am I crazy?
Post # 3
No, I think this is a completely reasonable reaction. If you’ve been together 4 years, and are not at least heading in a serious direction, you’re wasting your time. I think it’s completely reasoable to want reassurance that your “committed future” includes a wedding if that is something you truly want. Better to figure that out now than to wait until your 10 year anniversary for him to realize he never wants to marry or whatever.
Post # 4
wow…I could delve into all the things he might be feeling but the reaction you described sounds rude. No matter what his feelings are about marriage, he needs to be polite to you and treat your questions with respect. I just don’t put up with dismissals like that and I don’t recommend that you do either. It’s not like you came up with it out of nowhere– you had just gone to a wedding!!!
Post # 5
No, you aren’t crazy.
Ask your married male friends if they knew that they’d eventually marry their wife. Most will tell you that they knew pretty early, they just had to wait to have X or Y in place or save up $X for whatever (standard guy excuse = get their shit together). When I first started dating my husband HE told ME that I wasn’t going to be able to get rid of him, and HE was the one who’d talk about far future goals, plans for kids, etc.
That’s a question he should be able to answer. Either he’s afraid of the answer (yes, but he isn’t ready to get married) or afraid what will happen if he answers truthfully (no, I just like being with you for now, but can’t see marrying you).
Post # 6
I agree at this stage in your relationship having a discussion to make sure you both have the same idea for your future together is not only OK to have, but important to have.
Otherwise, as @MissHobbit:
has said, you could end up “wasting” 10 years because he never wants to get married.
EDIT: he doesnt have to be ready now, but he should know that marriage is something he wants in the future.
Post # 7
It sounds like you may be a lot more mature than he is. I’ve known plenty of guys who couldn’t even fathom marriage at 22/23.
Post # 8
Riiiiight, he gets upset about you thinking about getting married after attending a wedding, just like you blow a gasket about him wanting a boat every time the marine show comes to town…it’s a natural thing to discuss, reflect and think about a wedding after you spend eight hours up to your elbows in one, and as far as ditching you to escape the commitment inquisition, I would tell him the next time that happens, I’m going to lie, tell them we’re pregnant and that you said you woudn’t propose until I could prove it was yours…so there!
Post # 9
My SO and I are just about the same age as you and yours (We are both 23). Him and I discuss marriage all the time and we have only been together for a little over 2 years. It may be he just isn’t ready to take that step. You need to sit down and try to talk to him. Explain that it doesn’t have to happen soon, but you want to make sure you are on the same page.
Post # 10
After 4 years of being together, it’s something that naturally has to be discussed or the relationship kind of stagnates because it’s not progressing. I’m not saying that you have to get engaged this second or whatever, but not even discussing it is ridiculous. These are stages in communication that are important.
Post # 11
I actually did tell his snarky cousin that hopefully he proposed before I start to show (completely kidding. I am NOT pregnant). She laughed it off and got the message that I was not amused.
See the thing that confuses me, is that he talks about his wedding and even wants to buy a house with me in a year. So I am confused as to why he is so hesitant to show others just how serious we are.
We have some very good friends that were just married. They were able to get married so young because he is not in college (he works for his dad’s pest control business and make decent money) and she just finished going to a trade school for massage therapy. We are in our last year of college and he has a guaranteed job working as an engineer and I have tons of connections when it comes to getting a teaching job. We lived together for two years and I had to move back home with my parents. We have always taken things slow but we are both at the point now where things would be possible financially if we did want to take things to the next level.
I normally don’t put up with that kind of dismissive attitude either, but I was just so hurt by it and it completely deflated me. We normally communicate very well with each other and it’s just around the topic of marriage that he clams up.
We have talked about serious things like where we would live, how many kids we would each want, pets, etc. and we are on the same page about everything. He just shuts down when the topic of marriage in general comes up (which hardly ever happens)
Post # 12
That’s the hard part. I talk about some day and all he hears is now now now lol
The thing is that our relationship has grown to be so strong. There has been no sign of stagnation and I know he wants to get married but I don’t understand why shys away from the idea of it being with me
Post # 13
Do YOU want marriage? If not, then tell everyone “We are happy as is, thanks”
If you want marriage, then it’s time to discuss it with your SO without him having to feel like he has to flee.
Post # 14
@kerilynk: His reaction was hurtful, no doubt about it. That being said, he probably did feel like you pounced on the situation to nag him. You already asked him if people thinking you guys could be next to get engaged bothered him, he already told you it wasn’t people asking or thinking it, it was people that barely know the 2 of you asking such personal questions that bothered him. Then you turned around and asked him if he saw you 2 going down the same path in the future.
To me it comes across as asking the same thing, more then once. And what’s worse, you did it in the very same conversation.
Post # 15
Yes. I would love to marry him. He is supportive and kind and everything else a SO should be. I just can’t seem to figure out how to bring it up and not send him running for the hills. like I said earlier, we are young and it doesn’t have to be right now. I figured Saturday night would be optimal since the idea sort of presented itself
Post # 16
Chain him and talk his ears off, then he has no choice but to listen and then let him go…..