(Closed) The one time I bring it up… (long)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

No, I think this is a completely reasonable reaction. If you’ve been together 4 years, and are not at least heading in a serious direction, you’re wasting your time. I think it’s completely reasoable to want reassurance that your “committed future” includes a wedding if that is something you truly want. Better to figure that out now than to wait until your 10 year anniversary for him to realize he never wants to marry or whatever. 

Post # 4
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

wow…I could delve into all the things he might be feeling but the reaction you described sounds rude. No matter what his feelings are about marriage, he needs to be polite to you and treat your questions with respect. I just don’t put up with dismissals like that and I don’t recommend that you do either. It’s not like you came up with it out of nowhere– you had just gone to a wedding!!!

Post # 5
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

No, you aren’t crazy. 

Ask your married male friends if they knew that they’d eventually marry their wife.  Most will tell you that they knew pretty early, they just had to wait to have X or Y in place or save up $X for whatever (standard guy excuse = get their shit together).  When I first started dating my husband HE told ME that I wasn’t going to be able to get rid of him, and HE was the one who’d talk about far future goals, plans for kids, etc. 

That’s a question he should be able to answer.  Either he’s afraid of the answer (yes, but he isn’t ready to get married) or afraid what will happen if he answers truthfully (no, I just like being with you for now, but can’t see marrying you).

Post # 6
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree at this stage in your relationship having a discussion to make sure you both have the same idea for your future together is not only OK to have, but important to have.

Otherwise, as @MissHobbit:  has said, you could end up “wasting” 10 years because he never wants to get married.

EDIT: he doesnt have to be ready now, but he should know that marriage is something he wants in the future.

Post # 7
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@kerilynk:  

It sounds like you may be a lot more mature than he is.  I’ve known plenty of guys who couldn’t even fathom marriage at 22/23.  

Post # 8
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Riiiiight, he gets upset about you thinking about getting married after attending a wedding, just like you blow a gasket about him wanting a boat every time the marine show comes to town…it’s a natural thing to discuss, reflect and think about a wedding after you spend eight hours up to your elbows in one, and as far as ditching you to escape the commitment inquisition, I would tell him the next time that happens, I’m going to lie, tell them we’re pregnant and that you said you woudn’t propose until I could prove it was yours…so there! 

Post # 9
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My SO and I are just about the same age as you and yours (We are both 23). Him and I discuss marriage all the time and we have only been together for a little over 2 years. It may be he just isn’t ready to take that step. You need to sit down and try to talk to him. Explain that it doesn’t have to happen soon, but you want to make sure you are on the same page.

Post # 10
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

After 4 years of being together, it’s something that naturally has to be discussed or the relationship kind of stagnates because it’s not progressing. I’m not saying that you have to get engaged this second or whatever, but not even discussing it is ridiculous. These are stages in communication that are important.

Post # 13
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Do YOU want marriage? If not, then tell everyone “We are happy as is, thanks” 

If you want marriage, then it’s time to discuss it with your SO without him having to feel like he has to flee.

Post # 14
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@kerilynk:  His reaction was hurtful, no doubt about it. That being said, he probably did feel like you pounced on the situation to nag him. You already asked him if people thinking you guys could be next to get engaged bothered him, he already told you it wasn’t people asking or thinking it, it was people that barely know the 2 of you asking such personal questions that bothered him. Then you turned around and asked him if he saw you 2 going down the same path in the future. 

To me it comes across as asking the same thing, more then once. And what’s worse, you did it in the very same conversation.

Post # 16
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

@kerilynk:  Chain him and talk his ears off, then he has no choice but to listen and then let him go…..

The topic ‘The one time I bring it up… (long)’ is closed to new replies.

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