(Closed) The other woman

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I was on the other side before, and I can tell you, it would save her a world of heartbreak if she found out after the wedding. I found out months after and felt like a fool. I wish someone would have told me before we had purchased a house and dog together. I 100 percent say tell her. Message her anonymously on her wedding website 

Post # 32
Member
346 posts
Helper bee

lovetherain :

1) sorry it was not all you wanted to be.

 

2) listen to your heart bee, and ‘the time is always right to do the right thing’, Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Post # 33
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

No def stay out of it. You never know what kind of person he is and how he will handle you doing something like that to him. I would hate for him to get violently upset and come looking for you as a result. You seriously never know and this is why I usually keep out of others business

Post # 35
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

lovetherain :  This is a sticky situation. I know if I was his fiancee, I would want to know before we got married, but not every woman is like that. Chances are, since you and her don’t know each other, she is not going to take it kindly and be against you rather than him. She’ll probably question him and he’ll make up some lie about how you’re obsessed with him. 

If you do have some sort of proof that you could show her so you can’t be dismissed as a desperate, obessed woman, that’d be great. 

If you feel strongly about telling her, you should do so, but please be prepared to have both her and him come against you. Also, make sure that you take precautions should he ever be in your neck of the woods again. 

Post # 36
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

For those saying “tell her”-  think there are way too many assumptions going on here. Who’s to say she doesn’t already know? Who’s to say she WANTS to know? She might, but she also might be the type of person who would prefer to not face reality. Who’s to say she doesn’t cheat on him when he’s gone? You don’t KNOW that he’s done it before or will do it again. You don’t know their relationship, no one on his board does. If you  reach out to her you WILL cause pain. And I don’t think it is your place to play God in their relationship and decide when this confrontation comes to head / if it does. 

Post # 37
Member
8 posts
Newbee

Tell her. Everyone I know who’s been cheated on always says “why didn’t anyone tell me if they knew?”  It’s better she knows before the wedding when she can still call it off if that’s what she chooses to do. 

Post # 38
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’d tell her. I’m unsure how people are saying it’s not her business- this guy made her part of the business when he slept with her! 

 

k8goeslz :  I don’t think it matters if she cheats on him while he’s away or if she knows. Then the op can clear her conscious and the fiancée can shrug it off. However if she doesn’t want to know, she will deny it/call the op crazy, etc. 

Post # 39
Member
7501 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think each situation is unique but in this one, where you obviously know he cheated (as opposed to hearing it second hand) and she has the chance to leave the relationship before getting married I say tell her. I sure as hell would want to know. 

Yes, she could react badly and not belive you but I still think it’s the right thing to do.

ETA: To posters saying “it’s not your place” wouldn’t you want to know? Would you really want someone to keep quiet if they knew your SO was a cheater? Whose place is it exactly? Should the GF/wife have to wait until she finally catches him to find out?

Also, who cares if the Girlfriend thinks OP is crazy? What kind of drama can she possibly get wrapped up in when she lives nowhere near this guy?

 

Post # 40
Member
7501 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

lknatbrghtsde :  This has nothing to do with his job. Sure, it’s a crappy thing to do to his SO but I don’t believe his commanding officer needs to know what’s going on. If he was sleeping with a superior or co-worker or something like that maybe the commanding officer should be involved but this is really none of the military’s business.

Post # 41
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’d tell her.

And I’m sorry you got caught up in his web of lies and deceit Bee. It wasn’t your fault. 

Post # 42
Member
9454 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

you could just tell him you just found out you have an STD and that he needs to tell all his sexual partners so they can get checked, even if he isn’t showing symptoms. He’d sort of be forced to tell his fiance…

ETA: send it via text, so if he doesn’t tell her she might eventually find out the depths of asshole he is…

Post # 43
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m sorry you got hurt in this too. I feel really bad for you too. First-I think you may want to be very careful about your own heart here. He may have had genuine feelings for you but he’s obviously not the kind of guy you want to be wondering about (like why he slept with you 2 days before leaving, etc). Don’t give yourself any room for wondering about his feelings for you, you know…?

As for fiance- I would have wanted to know. Especially still having a month where I could have tried to figure things out. In the end- they might get through it but that’s where it’s not really your problem anymore. She is a human about to make and receive a vow that he will forsake all others. She deserves and needs to know he might not live up to that, and you’re the only one that could tell her. I probably would tell him an ultimatum to tell her within 24 hrs because you’d be sending her a note explaining and how you had no idea and that he should have told her before she received the message and if not then she could also know he was a coward because he let you be the one to tell her. 

Post # 44
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

MrsBeck :  I dont actually think she would take my advice, was just joking. but you know what, if a guy lied to me making me believe that he was single while the opposite was true and he is in the military. yep, you better believe i am going to get a little retribution and make him feel a little of the misery I am feeling for being played like a fool. if he is in politics or a public person, yep i will hurt him as best as i know how. and she asked for advice and i gave my advice… good, bad or indifferent its MY advice.

Post # 45
Member
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’d tell her because I would want to know if I were in her position.

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