(Closed) The other woman

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 76
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

nahbee :  Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. It doesn’t matter if they are in the military or work at Walmart. These boards are proof of that. 

 

Post # 77
Member
7384 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

headoverboots :  what if he hadn’t told you and she told you from a place of kindness instead of trying to be vindictive? Or what if you weren’t talking about an open relationship and we’re strictly monogamous? Or would you prefer just never knowing?

It sounds like the OP isn’t trying to be vindictive and quite honestly, someone who is in an open relationship should be telling everyone involved. 

If this was a one night stand I would be more on the fence about telling the Fiance but it sounds like this was a full blown relationship.

I guess as someone who has found out that a serious boyfriend was also dating someone else (thanks to someone telling me), I would hate to think of someone blindly marrying a cheater when she could have at least been given a heads up.

Post # 78
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

headoverboots :  actually, our discussion is answering the OP’s question.  You are providing the OP with an example of the worst case scenario in her situation.  His fiancée will forgive him for making a one time mistake and will think that the OP is just being vindictive.

OR the fiancée will be grateful for the information and silently thank the OP for years to come.

They don’t live in the same state.  They don’t know the same people.  What harm can come from saying something?  Unless, of course, this guy is so dangerous he’d hurt the OP for saying something?

Post # 79
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I received an anonymous tip that my ex was cheating on me. They actually sent me an email from a fake email address. I confronted him and found out that way. I was so thankful to know.

Ultimately it’s your decision, but i would hope that someone would tell me if my fiancé was cheating.

Post # 80
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Tell her, you do have proof… all your conversations with him. Screen shot them and send them. 

Post # 81
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If I were his fiancé I’d absolutely want to know. She deserves to know what kind of man she’s marrying. Let her make her decision from there. If I were you I’d tell her and then move on. 

Post # 82
Member
1358 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2027

MrsBeck :  what if….doesn’t matter. Because it didn’t happen. But with a different scenario I imagine I’d been less forgiving. Again, it was just an example I gave. Just like I asked if anyone watched Snapped? Who’s to say this woman wouldn’t be like the crazy who drove 36 hours to TX wearing a diaper just to destroy her lovers relationship with someone else? Who’s to say the Fiance wouldn’t do something the same? Lots of what ifs. What if this woman says, he has permission to cheat while he’s deployed? Which is why I made my comment, just another what if for the OP to consider.

Actually it sounds more to me that it was a one night stand as she put him off repeatedly until 2 days before he left then OMG you’re leaving so I’ll throw you one. Seems like her own agenda to me. 

Post # 83
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Absolutely!!!! This lady deserves to know, I definitely would appreciate the heads up if i was marrying this man. Perhaps she know already, perhaps she still wants to marry him once she does know, she may forgive him but she deserves to know either way

Post # 84
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

If I were her, I would want to know if the man I was about to marry was sleeping around. I’m sorry that he lied to you, but you know the truth now and she may not. 

Post # 85
Member
7384 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

headoverboots :  I understand that a what if doesn’t really matter, I was just curious if you would have preferred not to know.

FWIW, I don’t think he’s in an open relationship. Why wouldn’t he have just said that when she confronted him? I also stand by my initial statement that he should have let her know if he actually is in an open relationship.

And yes, I have seen Snapped. Most people aren’t going to do that though so I would be willing to give his Fiance the benefit of the doubt and let her know what she’s getting into.

Post # 86
Member
889 posts
Busy bee

I wouldnt say anything. Does she have a right to know? Absolutely! But you barely know this guy and cannot predict how he might react if you outed him. What if he did something to you out of anger? Of course I would want to know if I were her, but I dont think it is your responsiblitliy. I would just cut all ties, move on, and hope that his poor Fiance realises what kind of person he is.

Post # 87
Member
1358 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2027

MrsBeck :  I would not have wanted to hear from some random, out of state woman. Nope! I’d have preferred to hear from the co-workers who knew he had a Fiance.

Snapped-lots of crazy women, none of us know the “cheaters” FI’s mental stability. I mean the show, and many others (plus all the stories that don’t make it) are full of scorned women who’s friends and family members claim she was so normal. 

Clearly someone who hasn’t been in an open relationship hasn’t given it much thought, but would you really give a man who came up to you and said “my wife says I can cheat” a second glance? Look at Monique and her husband. Chances are slim to none in these cases. There are websites and places you can go for this, but the “opputunities” are not always the most attractive or interesting. So you might be surprised.

Post # 89
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

As somebody who was in the military and worked with a bunch of douche canoes like that guy, tell her. The mantra “what happens TDY stays TDY” needs to die and and one of the ways to make that happen is by reaching out to the fiancee and letting her know he’s cheating. Certain military guys  are really good at cultivating flings and hook ups while TDY and then using the military as an excuse to break it off and disappear back home, where they go back to their SO’s and families and pretend they did nothing. It’s going to hurt like hell for her but it’s better now than after the wedding.

Post # 90
Member
918 posts
Busy bee

headoverboots :  Very rude for you to assume that OP has her own agenda, when she specifically mentioned the situation in the original post. You’re insulted that another poster was rude to you, but don’t be hypocritical and be rude to the OP. Frankly, I think you need to calm down with some of your language and aggression because those are the kinds of post qualities that will get this closed. Just food for thought. No hate, just observation. 

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