(Closed) The Other Woman-my life, real long…

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

 We all live by that quote ‘if he did it to her he will do it to you’ but I dont feel like thats true. Every situation is different, and for years he kept coming back to YOU! There is always someone right for someone else and maybe you guys were right for each other the whole time but timing just wasnt right.  I was with a guy when i met my Fiance and we were together for 8 years on and off, i really thought he was the one for me, we grew up together, dated other people but always ended up together again.  I went to a wedding with my mother a few years ago and met my Fiance, as soon as we clicked, I knew that there is always something better for you out there. Soooo, i actually hung out with my Fiance behind my exes back for awhile and my ex knew about it but pretended he didnt because he loved me so much.  I just knew i had to make the right decision for my life and happiness, so i left him for my Fiance, and now we have a beautiful daughter together and getting married in 5 mnths! We wont have to live our lives thinking how it would of been because i knew what i wanted and went for it despise the circumstances.  I did it to my ex but will never do it to my Fiance, thats my point

Post # 4
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

It seems like you are very aware of how wrong it was for the two of you to be together, and now I think you have valid fears of it happening again. I don’t really know what to tell you, but there is one thing I’ve always thought – if they’ll do it WITH me, they’ll do it TO me. I’m sure that’s not the case in every relationship.

Post # 5
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I was the other woman briefly and hated every minute of it.  I refused to see him while he was in a relationship with someone else (they weren’t married).  After they broke up, we got together and I was ALWAYS worried that he would cheat on me like he did on her with me.  I could never get past the fact that he had it in him to cheat.  It’s a tough situation to be in-  hopefully someone will chime in with a success story for you that will put your mind at ease.

Post # 6
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

Maybe I’ll get flamed for giving you my honest opinion.  But oh well.  My honest opinion is that he probably will cheat on you.  Every relationship goes through “unhappy” times, and he seems to think that is a license to have an inappropriate relationship with someone else.  Neither of you respected his commitment to his children’s mother, and chances are you two won’t sufficiently respect the new commitment you’re embarking on. 

Character is conduct over time.   His conduct (and your conduct) have not been honorable.  Your worries about what that means for the future are well-placed.

Post # 7
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

Well, I’ve been on both sides of the fence. And to sum up how I feel about it- Life Happens.

I had two BF’s cheat on me and both are married to the OW. I wasn’t then, but now, I’m really happy for them. One of the couples is struggling, but that’s b/c of issues he has always had, he did end up cheating on her- but again- he has issues. They’re together, maybe still growing up, but together.

I don’t know about the other Boyfriend or Best Friend, I know they married, but we don’t stay in touch. I can only assume they’re happy. They were quickly married, so I guess when you know, you know.

Did it hurt that they went behind my back? Terribly. Should we have broken up waaaaay sooner than we did. YES. Did we try and try to struggle to make it work when we should have ended it? YES!

Then again, I was KIND OF an OW with my SO. He wanted to break up with her because she cheated on him, but she was from another country so they stayed together longer than normal because she had no where else to live and she still wanted to make it work. I knew he had a crush on me, but he never, did physical/emotional stuff with me, (as in, although he kept coming to work at times he wasn’t scheduled, he never said he liked me, or said things of that nature.) Did he perhaps, emotionally cheat because he liked someone else? I suppose.

Looking back on it, he was slowly falling in love with me while his other world was crumbling… Life Happens. Breakups are messy. 

I don’t worry about him straying. We have a great relationship, and I know if times got rough we could stick it out. You can always work out these issues in Pre-marital counseling to give you peace of mind, but sometimes, as painful as it is, some relationships were meant to be, and some weren’t.

 

Post # 8
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think it’s a complicated situation, but not one that can’t be overcome with a lot of communication and a commitment to being honest.  About everything.  All the time.  As long as you can continue to express your worries in a non-accustaory way and he’s comfortable reassuring you the feeling should pass.  If you can’t get beyond the anxiety, though, it might be a good idea to (at least) extend the engagement.

It might also help you to do something to “balance” the karma scales.  You can’t take back what you did, but you can resolve to be a better, more contemplative and unselfish person and act accordingly.

@chicagowifey – Character is conduct over time, true.  This implies that people have the capacity to change and improve as a result of their mistakes.  Serial cheaters, in my experience, usually don’t view their actions as wrong and feel remorse only when caught.  There’s very little to suggest that this is how Mr.3M feels about what he did, and 3M’s certainly carrying around guilt.  People screw up.  Badly.  That doesn’t mean that they are foreverandeveramen bad people.

Post # 9
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

Thanks for sharing your story – always interesting to hear from the other side. I personally would not marry a man who feels comfortable lying to the mother of his children for 6 years just because he’s unhappy. I know that all relationships have unhappy times, and I would not trust him to not do the same thing to me when we hit one of those inevitable lows. It’s easy to say “I’ll never do it to you” when you’re happy, but what about when you aren’t? But I don’t like to judge – only time will tell what the impact of your choices will be on your life and his. Maybe you did the right thing. 

Post # 10
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

*sigh* I wasn’t really the “other woman”, but one of the best guys I have ever been with was very open about the relationship not leading to marriage because of cultural differences.  More or less having to do with his parents and family disowning him.  We continued to date and I suddenly broke up with him in the fall.  After we broke up, we fell into a sort of FWB stage.  I never really felt “bad” about it, and we were both going on dates with other people (but not hooking up) trying to find “the one”.  So while he and I still had an awesome friendship, we fell into that pattern until I met Mr. Tacos.  Actually, a month before Mr. Tacos and I were set up, we cut things off and remained close friends.  I don’t think our continuing relationship prohibited me from finding the right partner, because frankly Mr. Tacos and I met under quite a fated way…. but I know in my heart it was wrong for us to have a casual relationship anyhow.  Especially since we went on dates with other folks.

Post # 11
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - Philippe Park

Ugh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I was the other woman too, sorta. He wasn’t married or even engaged, but he had been dating someone for about a year and a half. We hadn’t seen eachother in years and got back in touch, and after talking on the phone for a few weeks we decided to meet up, strictly as friends. Well, we couldn’t deny the chemistry, and he was fiercely unhappy in his relationship, so we spend the weekend together (but we didn’t sleep together), and when he went back to his life on Monday, he broke up with her to be with me.

I feel bad for hurting her, because I’ve been cheated on before, and I know how it feels, but at the same time I feel, and have always felt, that Mr. Rainbow and I were meant to be from day one, and I knew that it was now or never, so we did what we felt that we needed to do.

Cheating is SO out of character for Mr. R. He’s never done it before, and the only reason he did was because it was me and we have this chemistry and history that is just completely undeniable, we always have. I literally had to promise him that I wouldn’t persue him in that way (I lied) to even get him to come see me that first time. I know his character, I know his heart, and I know his personality and I have no doubt that there is no way he’d cheat on me.

We’re both supremely happy, but we’ve gone through many tough times, and he hasn’t failed me once. I have the utmost confidence in him andin out relationship.

Post # 12
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It’s good that you’ve both talked about your insecurities, but I’m wondering if he figured out why he cheated and what we can do to prevent that type of behavior in the future. It seems like you will also have to fully resolve your own fears about the unknown “what if’s” Have you guys gone to counseling (together or apart)? That might be a good place to start.

For me, I believe cheating is a sign of a problem in a relationship. I think that you and your Fiance just have to figure out how you are going to solve problems when they come up in your marriage because they inevitably will. It’s very easy to go outside a marriage for help, comfort, reassurance, so maybe if you guys make a plan of how you will deal with problems, it will help to reassure you some about your other woman insecurities.

I think you are very brave to post this and for being so honest. ((Hugs))

Post # 14
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Many years ago, I was (very briefly) the other woman. While I didn’t recognize it at the time, the guy was an emotionally stunted douche. It sounds like Mr.3M isn’t like this at all. Also, while I can’t get into specifics without creating a fake account, there’s a couple I’m fairly close to – when they started out, the now-wife was the other woman, and the whole town knew about it. The original marriage ended in divorce, and the two of them are still together, 25 years later. Just because someone cheated once isn’t a guarantee that they’ll do it again.

Post # 16
Member
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I typically think that if someone can do it once they’re more likely to do it again.  However, my husband’s uncle cheated on his first wife and has now been married to the Other Woman for a few years now, has two children and shows no signs of straying.  The saying that there are exceptions to every rule is very true. 

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