(Closed) The Plus 1 Guest Delima

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@BlueJeans:  You can ask her if it’s okay to bring your SO, but I’m not sure if there’s a hard and fast “rule” about +1’s.  From what I’ve read, each person makes up their own rule for it so that it’s fair across the board… meaning everyone gets a +1, or only married people do, or only people living together do, etc.  Also, are you sure she didn’t send a separate invite to your SO at his address?  

Post # 4
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I have ad 2 people reply with a plus 1, when neither were extended a guest. One of those people is my brother. Not much I can doanout it but suck it up and make room.  I’d say just rep,y with the plus one. You could always play dumd and say you just assumed you got to bring you Boyfriend or Best Friend. 

Post # 5
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I know it’s “rude”, but, if I was a really close friend, I would just ask. Not in a demanding way, but just ask if that was intentional or an oversight.

 

I was also wondering the same thing as @tiffybear: if she introduced you two, maybe she sent him his own invitation?

Post # 6
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I showed up without Fiance once and it turned out the bride had just assumed I would know he was invited.  I’d go ahead and ask her, and explain that you’re not comfortable traveling that far alone and while you understand that there may be venue constraints, if there’s room can you please bring your SO.  If you can’t, you can respectfully decline.  I can understand not wanting to travel that far without your SO.  Make it clear that you would love to celebrate with her and her new husband some other time and they should come visit you or you’ll come visit the area with Fiance at some point; that will make her feel like you’re not trying to blackmail her in a, “If you want to see me, you have to invite him!” situation.

I wouldn’t reply with a +1 if you believe you weren’t extended an invite for a +1.  Two rudes don’t make a right.

Post # 7
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

If it’s a close friend and she knows your SO, just go ahead and ask. Put it nicely – “I wasn’t sure if SO was invited or not, I just wanted to check but I understand either way.”

There are two things that should be understood about plus ones: 1) ultimately it’s the wedding couple’s decision and you should respect it but 2) if traveling is going to be too expensive/a hassle without SO, you shouldn’t be afraid to politely decline and she should respect your decision.

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I would ask the bridesmaid to get a feel on the situation. The bride might be stuck asking all her relatives first. If you hear from the bridesmaid that there’s some leeway, I would ask the bride politely through an email. Don’t use chat, don’t use texting. Don’t focus too much about yourself (expenses, feeling awkward at the wedding). You don’t want her to associate anything remotely negative to you, otherwise she’ll feel guilty. Whatever you do, don’t add the +1 on the RSVP card because it puts the bride in an uncomfortable position of having to call you up close to the catering deadline. She or her family will start thinking you’re a tad presumptuous, and it puts your SO in an uncomfortable position. And if she says no, you must accept and not ask again.

As for not being a bridemaid, please don’t take it personally. You don’t know about the depth of friendship between the other girl who was asked to be a bridesmaid and the bride. Maybe the bride had a melt down once upon a time that you never knew about, but the other girl helped her out of it and now she’s a crutch in stressful situations. Also, the bride could have presumed because you were out of town, that she was saving you some extra hassle.  Being part of a wedding party is *a lot* of work after all, and if you’re worrying about just the travel expenses, then she could have been trying to spare you financially. My maid of honor is spending $3000+ on two trips from the west coast to east coast, her dress and accessories, and is hosting the shower.

 

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