(Closed) The plus 1 situation

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@CurlyCue:  it sounds like they weren’t even dating when she sent the STDs, but they started dating and moved in together after the STDs were sent, but before the invites were sent (so the quickness of the relationship is a factor because OP had already created her guest list). She’s already sent her invites. Since she’s already over capacity with the guests she has invited, I’m guessing she’s crossing her fingers she’ll get some “no’s.” But since the invites are sent and her wedding is in three months, I’m guessing it’s a little late for her to find a new venue. She also can’t rescind other invitations.

I agree with PPs that it’s a little unfair to assume a bride factors in extra invites for new people that close to the wedding. We all have people we’d like to invite but can’t for whatever reason. We don’t normally save invites for the “just in case” situations like this.

Post # 19
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

What a crap situation! I was in one similar, so I totally know what you’re going through. 

A friend of mine started dating this guy very soon before I sent out my invitations (as in I had just heard his name mentioned), and I met him once two weeks after I sent out my invitations and she was very hurt that he was not invited. On one hand, I understood, because I think everyone would rather their significant other with them at events like weddings, but on the other, it wasn’t like she wasn’t going to know anyone there. I told her that once I had enough no’s, he would be on the top of my list. Now he’s invited and all is well, but it was quite awkward. 

It’s my opinion that in order to be invited as a “unit” without question, a couple should be dating for six months to a year. The living together thing is tricky too, though. 

Hopefully everything works out!

Post # 20
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

This is why putting arbitrary restrictions on a couple such as “married, engaged, or living together” in order to be invted together is tricky.  A couple has only been dating a month when your invites go out, so the OH is not invited, but then a week later they move in together.  What do you do?

I think since you have issues with space, you can explain to her that you had only accounted for married/living together/engaged couples and at the time you made the guest likst she and her BF did not apply.  You can let her know you will be able to accomodate him when you hear back from your guests and know how many declined.

Post # 21
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@TheFutureWife:  I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here.  I don’t think it was inappropriate of her to ask – this is one of the rare situations where asking for an invite isn’t particularly rude.  And you calculated your guest list without the additional plus one.  It is rude if she’s making you out to be the bad guy though. I agree with other posters that it would be nice if you offered him an invite if a spot opens up.

I’m a little surprised by all the posters suggesting that you go and get a whole new venue just to invite this guy for your wedding 3 months out.  Is that even an option?  Where I’m from that would mean postponing the wedding, loosing all the vendor deposits and hoping for an open date in the same year.  Seems nuts to do just for someone you really don’t know

Post # 22
Member
377 posts
Helper bee

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@Polygon:  I’m also surprised by the amount of expectation on this thread. For any wedding I wouldn’t make any assumptions that I was invited, let alone my SO and we’ve been together 7 years not months. 

OP I think it sounds like you are trying to be accomodating, I hope your friend realises that x

Post # 23
Member
13608 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think you were  in the wrong not to invite him once you knew of their change in relationship status and that your friend did absolutely nothing wrong to  inquire if there had been an oversight. 

As mentioned the STD is not an invitation. You know of their relationship when the invitations went out, so he should have been included. Anyone who is married, engaged or living together is properly invited along with  their partner. 

I can’t imagine booking any venue if there was going to be the slightest  chance to  go over maximum capacity.  Your bad planning does not really justify this situation. If you are already over capacity you are going to have to figure something out anyway.  

Post # 24
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@TheFutureWife:  I’ve got to say that I disagree.  IMO the bride & groom should finalize their guest count before booking their venue.  If you have chosen a venue with approrpitae capacity, adding one person here or there will not be a big deal since you are planning toward a range anyway (you don’t know the exact outcome of your RSVPs before you get them back).

Maybe it’s because I have a pretty good background in event planning, but I see it as an easily avoidable situation.

Post # 25
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@weddingmaven:  I think you’re being unnecessarily rude.  My fiance and I came up with a reasonable guest list and okayed it with our families, but that didn’t stop his mother from demanding we invite second cousins until the venue was bursting.  Stuff happens, you have to chose battles to be fought, and there’s no need to get nasty.

Post # 26
Member
13608 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@Polygon:  Sorry if you took my post that way and reading it over, I see why you did.   I could have worded that a lot better, so I do apologize to the OP.   I meant my comments to be straightforward, but definitely not nasty or rude.  

Anyway, I get that this is all stressful and that sometimes it’s the one thing on top of everything else that is most frustrating.   My advice still stands, to see if the venue can do anything to work with her. 

Post # 27
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

OP- I don’t think you did anything “wrong.” We had several of our single guests “start” relationships from the time we made the initial guest list until we sent the invites. (Had a 6-mo engagement, so maybe 4 months in?) Of four relationships, only one lasted.

Because this couple lives together, the situation is different (and one that would have made the criteria we set)- so I like the PP suggestion that he’s the first invite when you get a regrets RSVP.

Post # 28
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

He should be invited, she is in a serious relationship, and just because it quickly became serious doesn’t mean that it is any less serious.  

Post # 29
Member
632 posts
Busy bee

I’m confused – how exactly did you end up so overcapacity? Did you send out more STDs than the space could comfortably fit?

It seems unlikely that this *one* person is going to push you over a capacity line. Is this a situation where the absolute capacity of the space is 100, you’ve now sent 100 invitations, and he would make it 101?

I’m just having trouble understanding why a single person would create enough of a problem here.

The reality is that since they moved in together before you sent the invitations, you were required by etiquette to invite him. The fact that they weren’t living together when you sent the STDs, or at any other point that one might feel they have ‘finalized’ their list does not change that fact. 

Post # 30
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@TheFutureWife:  i think it’s understandable when you say ‘we have a limited capacity for the venue’.  and then explain that if you get enough nos and there is room she can bring her bf.

Post # 31
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think it is very interesting reading how some of these other posters feel about invites. It seems like some people feel like they are entitled to be invited to a wedding instead of being honored at being included. I lived with Fiance for two years prior to getting engaged. I never once expected him to be invited to a wedding with me. In fact, one of my college roommates didn’t even write his name on the invitation to her wedding after we were engaged. I did not care at all. To OP– I think it is very awkward that your friend thought that he should be included and that she got mad when he wasn’t. I don’t have any words of advice, just wanted to let you know that I do not think you are in the wrong at all. 

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