(Closed) The “plus one” questions

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We are inviting all of our friends with a plus one.

Our cousins will be invited with a plus one only if they are in a serious relationship.  We feel that they will know plenty of people there and don’t need to bring dates.

Post # 4
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If a guest is in an established relationship (i.e. has a bf or gf and not just casualy dating) when the invites go out, then you need to invite their SO (it’s proper etiquette).  The only exception I think to this rule is for guests under 18 – i.e. if they are still in middle school or high school you don’t have to invite their SO.  You should probably confirm this with someone else though.  Even if you don’t like the Boyfriend or Best Friend or Girlfriend or they haven’t been dating for very long, you still need to invite them. 

However, if a guest is not dating anyone, then you don’t need to give them a +1.  If they have to travel for your wedding or won’t know anyone else there then it’s polite to give them a +1, but it isn’t required.  Also, if a guest starts dating someone AFTER the invites go out, then I don’t think you need to invite them.  If you have the space it’d be a nice gesture, but once again, it’s not required.

 

@Stace126:  I’ve heard that it’s proper to invite only couples in a “committed relationship.” But … what exactly does that mean? Engaged? Married? Dating for a long time?


This is why I dislike it when people say they are only inviting couples in a “serious” or “committed” relationship.  It’s hard to define and you (general you) end up judging people’s relationships.  Some people consider themselves in a serious relationship after dating for 6 months, and others is might just be 2.  That’s way I think it’s best to give a +1 to anyone who has a Boyfriend or Best Friend or Girlfriend at the time the invites go out.

Post # 5
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’ve heard the rule is to give +1’s to couples who are married, engaged or living together. You could also extend this to couples who have been dating a while, but you need to draw the line somewhere. Maybe couples who have been dating a year or longer?

Post # 6
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I wouldn’t worry about giving all the kids a plus 1. I have heard if you are going to invite older kids of friends, especially with a plus1, you should send a separate invite. The younger children can be addressed to just the parents and family. Personally- we are giving everyone in our bridal party (all 2 of them) a plus1-that I think is just etiquette- no matter ho much you dislike their SOs- for all u know your Bridesmaid or Best Man could end up getting married to that Boyfriend or Best Friend. We are pretty much judging it person by person- some will get plus1 some won’t. My wedding- my way ( my bridezilla moment).

Post # 7
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

Married, engaged or living together works for me…. other wise- no. I hate the +1s.

Post # 8
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@RunsWithBears:  I couldn’t have said it better myself! I was head over heels in love with my FH and had a blast at my friend’s wedding…and we were only dating 1 month (exactly!) at the time when she allowed me to invite him. I was so happy… but we were ‘official’ so that was the difference. I didn’t go looking for a date :).But I was as hopelessly devoted to him then in September 2007 as I am now 🙂 

My rule is – if you have to go look for a date to fill that plus 1, you don’t get a plus one. If you’re dating someone (or you have someone you would invite), then you get a plus 1. I think if you’re attached to someone for 1 week or 10 years, you are entitled to a plus 1.

Wondering what brides do with people asking them for a plus one because they started dating someone AFTER you sent invites out?

Post # 9
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I completely cheated and made up my own rules.  So this is clearly not proper etiquette, it’s just a suggestion.  If I know that the person has a significant other, i give them a plus one.  if i don’t even know about it, then apparently i was close enough to you to invite you to my wedding, but not to know about your life – so no plus one.  and if i’m only inviting you because i’m friends with your family (or my parents are friends with yoru parents) as opposed to friends with you personally, then you definitely don’t get a plus one because you’re coming with your family.  there is a caveat, if you are someone who isn’t familiar with or friends with at least several other people at the wedding, then i’ll give you a plus one even if you’re single, because i figure you need someone to accompany you.  i think you should also gauge your guests.  if you think someone is going to be really upset, and you have the room, then go ahead and give them a plus one.  my mom puts it kind of nicely “you can’t invite everyone in the world, so if it comes down to either inviting you without a plus one (or inviting you without your children for example) or not inviting you at all, which do you prefer”.  

Post # 10
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We went through our guest list and choose certain people that would get an extra card that says something along the lines of “you’ve been chosen to bring a guest” and those are the only people that are allowed to bring someone, we aren’t going to give anyone else the option.

Post # 11
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

It is an odd etiquette issue because everything is “case by case” and it is not entirely clear cut.

I was always taught that when it comes to allowing plus ones, you look at your list of guests and determine how many “plus ones” you can afford, and then assign who is allowed a “plus one” in the following order –

– Family members are allowed “plus ones” before anyone else, followed by close-friends, and then followed by everyone else depending on how close/important they are to you.

– People DO NOT automatically get a “plus one”, and they certaintly don’t get a “plus one” of entirely their own choice just because they want to bring a random date. Their “plus one” is supposed to be someone who you at the very least know of (ie. a long term partner, or a mutual acquantaince). If you can’t think of who they would invite as a plus one, then that person doesn’t get a plus one because they will just be a random.

Post # 12
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m having this same issue- where to draw that line on the plus ones. 
I invited my two cousins, who are sisters, and both live decently far. I did not give them a plus one because they can travel here together, and last I had heard they were both single. Then I saw them at a family function and they both exclaimed that they couldn’t wait to come with their boyfriends. I know one of them is serious with her bf, but the other just started dating him. And then my FH’s friends- some are perpetually single, so I don’t feel like they should get the plus one. My BM’s are not getting plus ones- except for the two who are married. My Maid/Matron of Honor is single, but has a fabulous gay friend who is also a close friend of mine, so on the sly I gave her permission for a plus one if it’s him (especially since my Maid/Matron of Honor is a serial dater and has the WORST taste in men EVER- think married men who lie about being divorced… yea…)
The plus ones have made our guest list go up about 15-20 people already! 

Post # 13
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

We went rogue and made up our own rule:  if I don’t know the name of your significant other, then s/he cannot come.  If I do know his or her name, he or she will be invited by name on the invitation.  No substitutions, no hook-ups from the bar.

Sounds harsh, but think about it—if you don’t even know the name of the S.O., then the guest either hasn’t been dating this person very long, or else you’re not very close to the guest. 

Only exception was Out of Town guests who wouldn’t know anyone else at the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I did my +1 a bit creatively

Established couple – of course invite both

dear friends that broke up recently – gave them both a +1 in the hope that they would both attend

friends from out of town that do not know many of the other guests got a +1

friends that are part of our close circle that are not in a committed relationship did not get +1 because they know enough people to just hang out and enjoy

 

Post # 15
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I made up my own rules as well.

People who were dating someone for a long time (ie, more than a few months, and we knew their name) got a +1, but that person was invited by name on the envelope.  No random bar people, and if you broke up before the wedding, you didn’t get a substitute date (invites go out 3 months before your wedding anyway, not enough time to establish a new relationship).

People who didn’t know anyone else at the wedding got a +1.

Bridal party all got +1, although none of my single bridesmaids took me up on this; they all came by themselves and had a blast.

When it came down to a few weeks before the wedding, I started offering up +1s to a few sad single gal friends who were not going to come unless they could bring a date.  I decided I would rather have them there than not.

 

Post # 16
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Now what do you do when you’re having a no-kids wedding and one person RSVPs (adamantly) with a plus one toddler? FI’s aunt INSISTS she has to have this kid at the wedding, regardless of our wishes and the fact that a babysitter will be there 😛 She refuses to use them. *sigh*

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