(Closed) The porn issue

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

My big question here is: What is your view on porn

porn i dont have a problem with, in fact i like it more than my husband does BUT its the lying and creating profiles on websites i would have a bigger problem with – thats disrespectful to you and your relationship

my only advise is that you really need to talk about this (counselling) so there is a clear line on what is ok and not ok and if the line is cross you need to follow through so you wont be walked over. sorry i dont have any wiser words and goodluck!

Post # 4
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m perfectly fine with porn but NOT AT ALL PERFECTLY FINE with building a profile on an adult website, especially one with the intent to meet or with f***buddy in the title.

I’m sorry that I’m not much help at all but I can say with certainty that if this happened in my life, I’d be putting the engagement on hold and insisting on couples therapy to find out why he’s behaving this way.  Maybe he’s using it for fantasy only, but youre right – there’s a zillion free sites for that.  This takes it to a whole different level.  Find out why he feels the need to participate in sites like this, and see how you feel after several sessions of counseling.  Then determine if you want to marry this person or stay with him at all.

 

Good luck to you – I definitely feel for your situation.

Post # 5
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hummmm, this sounds more then just porn to me. I’ve never heard of that site, but it seems pretty clear what the intent of joining & creating a profile on that site means…

For me, I have no issues with porn, I actually really enjoy it & its fun to watch with my husband.

Post # 6
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am…ok with porn, as long as hes not doing something ridiculous like spending money on it. I really think it mostly one of those things that your either ok with or not. And its not right or wrong to feel either way, its just how you feel. Have you talked to him about the fact you are uncomfortable with it just recently?or has he explained why he feels he has the need to look at porn? As I said,Im ok with porn (hell I even look at it sometimes!) but then again my Darling Husband doesnt look at it.

In your situation I think it is more about the fact that he has hidden it. Is this what bothers you more,or is the actual porn?

*TMI ALERT*If it helps,me and the hubs have made a few vids ourselves, it took me a few drinks to get started,but it was fun,and the biggest turn on ever for my husband!!

Post # 7
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

First of all, I think porn is 100% fine as long as he’s not addicted or anything.  I think it’s a sign of a healthy libido and a good outlet for that whole need for “strange” that some guys seem to have.  Some people also enjoy things in their fantasies that they wouldn’t do in real life, so that’s the only place to explore those urges.  If that was all there was to it, I would say get used to it and work to let go of any jealousies/disgust that it might bring up in you by talking about it with him and learning more about it generally.

BUT, if he was going online to meet girls who want to have casual encounters of some sort, he’s flirting with serious infidelity.  What exactly defines infidelity is different for every couple, but I think your above reaction would indicate he’s almost there (or there) in your book.

It sounds like you need to really be open and honest with each other about sex and your relationship in general.  But he might not be able to do that unless he feels safe in sharing his feelings with you, not guilty just for looking at porn.  If it’s not the type of communication that comes easily, it might make sense to do a few sessions with a counselor.  Whatever happens though, take a deep breath and don’t panic!  If his intentions were pure(ish), then you might even have a stronger relationship after dealing with this crisis.  Good luck!!

Post # 9
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@little_ladybug:  I totally get you about the gaining weight thing compared to porn stars, I’ve been there.  As for your sex life, I don’t think that has any correlation with whether guys want to look at porn.  Obviously he would be better able to say what he gets out of it than I could guess, but it does seem to be a separate thing and not necessarily related to any perceived lack from their SO.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/why-men-like-porn

Post # 10
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

I’m ok with porn, but creating a profile on an adult site is not ok to me. 

Post # 11
Member
3522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Have a frank discussion with him about why he’s created a profile on this site, and DON’T let him get away with the “I wanted to see naked chicks” excuse. More likely than not, it goes deeper than just wanting to see a naked woman. It could be as simple as missing the “thrill of the chase,” or it could be something as serious as him thinking about straying. Whatever it is, you two need to work together to get to the bottom of this. If you can’t resolve it on your own, a counselor will be able to help–probably the best thing to do, if the issue can’t be resolved, is to have him go to counseling on his own to figure out why he’s doing it, then counseling together to talk through things with a neutral third party. Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I’m fine with porn. We both watch it. And there is plenty of porn out there that does not require you to have an account. That aside, there are sites that are FORBIDDEN in our relationship. They are sites such as AshleyMadison, AdultFriendFinder, etc. While you could argue that you went on them to see naked people and get your jollies off, those sites are about creating relationships with those naked people. The chance of you meeting Jenna Jameson in real life and sleeping with her are slim to none. Your chance of meeting and sleeping with someone you met on an f-bddy site EXTREMELY HIGH, which is why they are forbidden for us.

Post # 13
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It doesn’t really matter what OUR opinion on porn is.

What matters is that you marry a man who respects things that make you uncomfortable, and doesn’t sneak around doing things that YOU know in your gut are not ok with you.

Post # 14
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

My view on porn is : no bueno

In our household porn is demeaning to women ( and men-women watch porn as well) and is considered cheating. Now, I realize that not everyone shares this view, but since you asked I offered it. I’m also not going to judge people who do enjoy porn by themselves or in their marriage, as its not my place.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with men and women beiing attracted to each other, appreciating the human body and desiring sex-it is totally normal and healthy.

Where I think it goes overboard is when you are committed or married to someone and you seek others to sexually satisfy yourself on a regular basis and especially against the partners will.

I also feel like there is a difference between a 16 year old reading a play boy and a commited adult making profiles online. I think the fact that you are scared to marry him is a huge red flag! 

He may have an unhealthy addiction and probably needs some help! Hopefully you guys can work things out, but don’t be afraid to take a break and sort things out- this is your life and future.

Post # 15
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

On another note – I found out my guy was having sexually charged chats with a chick. Went to counseling and we’re in a much better place. But it’s mostly because the counselor helped us establish that whether or not his actions were cheating, they were a violation to our relationship and unacceptable behavior that couldn’t be repeated. You really need to talk to him about the differences between adult f-buddy sights and porn sites.

You really need to point out that if he feels the need the keep it secret from you and lie about it then it’s unacceptable behavior and a violation of your relationship.

Post # 16
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@red_rose:  I see your point, Joy, but I’m curious about this issue.  It was fine with her for years, so when it stopped being fine with her should he just have stopped?  I’m not saying I have an opinion on this, as a new fiancee these are issues I want to be prepared to deal with.  If my FH suddenly decided something I had been doing for our whole relationship wasn’t okay with him, and wanted me stop doing it, I would have a real problem with that.

On the other hand, when an issue like that comes up, it obviously needs to be worked out to the satisfaction of both parties somehow.

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