The positive side of waiting

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

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coffeecakez :  but is he making a 30 year commitment to her? Or is he making a 30 year commitment with *himself* with her subsidizing *his* house via rent from her.

Post # 47
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

Threads like this cause me to wonder why so many bees spend their time cross-examining posters instead of applying to law school so that they can potentially get paid for their tendencies toward hounding strangers (real life lawyer bees excepted, of course 🙂 ). 

Post # 48
Member
715 posts
Busy bee

People are being really extreme here. It’s fine if you and your boyfriend aren’t on the same page about engagement yet. However, don’t spend the next two years “waiting.” Live your life, don’t think about getting engaged, don’t start looking at wedding venues, don’t see living together as practice for marriage. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you spend all this time focusing on getting married. If you don’t think you can handle keeping these thoughts at bay, then you need to have another conversation with your boyfriend.

Post # 50
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

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ecrisrien :  you’re quite argumentative yourself so I’m not sure what your point is

Post # 51
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

neverbeenstungbee :  Yes, I am, and here I go: I was referring more to the tendency toward digging up deleted threads and latching onto every little note of hipocrisy, no matter what explanation the OP gives as to how her situation has changed, as in “but you SAID — , and you can’t take it back!”. They’re human and this is the internet, sometimes rants happen and then retractions happen. Reactions get watered down over time. It might be helpful to remind someone of an opinion they had in the past, but piling on and insiting that she is deluded for trying to adjust her perspective is not constructive. Based on where she seems to be in terms of figuring this situation out, she’s probably not going to hear that. 

OP, on the other hand, I agree that your “waiting” benefit list does seem a little too wedding-obsessed. Maybe set some personal goals for yourself that have nothing to do with the proposal/wedding? 

Post # 52
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

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ecrisrien :  i object.

it’s not cross-examining to call out inconsistencies. It’s the internet. No one has to respond to anything they aren’t comfortable responding to. It’s pretty dramatic to make such a comparison. 

Not everyone has the same perspective and that’s fine. You can criticize other responses and deem them not constructive all you’d like – that’s merely your opinion, just as in my mere opinion, it’s not super helpful to further indulge someone in a false security of self-soothing when there is an obvious way to get to the heart of the issue (ie revisiting the conversation) rather than just settling for status quo. 

There are lots of posts on the Bee that are not super helpful or constructive, such as posts making jokes about PPs better spending their time going to law school than taking time out of their day to discuss important topics and give advice on the internet, but that’s neither here nor there

 

Post # 53
Member
9260 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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emmbear :  You’re not being honest with yourself, bee. You originally were hoping for/expecting a proposal by this coming spring, and the wedding within about a year of that. So married less than 2 years from now. When you saw his financial plan and realized you weren’t on the same page, you spoke and according to the OP of this thread, “we agreed on a timeline of about 1-2 years until an engagement and then another 1.5 -2 years or so until the wedding.” This does not equal “My boyfriend and I agreed on a timeline of 3 until the wedding.” He’s given no reason to believe it will be the lower end of the range here. Based on his words and actions, it is most logical to expect the full 4 years “or so” before a wedding happens. So nobody is “freaking out” over a 6 month difference. We’re sad that you’re trying so hard to convince yourself that it’s nbd to put your wants and needs — your life actually — on hold for an additional 2 years while your boyfriend …. what, decides you really are the best he can get? I’m still not sure what the extra time is for tbh, because all of the obstacles are things that could easily be managed while engaged and/or married. 

There’s a difference between having a positive attitude towards something you can’t change, and pretending to be happy about something because you’re afraid to change it. 

Post # 54
Member
5472 posts
Bee Keeper

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ecrisrien :  Where were you on the night in question? 

Just fulfilling my cross examination duties. I e always wanted to ask that question.

Regarding looking back over someone’s posts, I view it as their history. I know that when I was working, failure to review someone’s history could potentially lead to a very bad outcome. And guess what? People can be funny about their own history. People lie; people omit things, and if something seems off, you may have to dig deeper. The same principle holds true here, when I read a post that seems “off” or where i suspect the OP is saying one thing but feeling another. It’s not cross examination, it’s a need to understand what’s really going on. 

Post # 55
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee

I think of it as a bit of both…it is a little harsh to dig so deep into someone’s history to prove to them that they’re backpedaling—then again, on the other hand, I think it’s helpful to provide advice based on someone’s worst days, especially if it is a recurring theme. 

Some of the harsh advice I received here helped me improve my communication skills within my relationship. It made me realize that, no, I wasn’t actually okay with waiting indefinitely for a proposal. I wasn’t okay with my then-boyfriend telling me that he’d do it “sometime next year”. Did I try to backpedal to defend him? Of course! It fucking SUUUCKS to see people speaking so negatively about someone you love. It is also a bit embarrassing to know that at least 50% of the problem is your own fault (you don’t *have* to wait on a proposal…)

But oftentimes an objective opinion is what you need to realize that something isn’t quite right, and to determine what is in *your* power to change. It makes you realize, “hey, it’s time for me to put my foot down in this relationship. I’m not going to keep letting someone else run the show while I wait in a state of constant angst and uncertainty”.

Are some people unnecessarily mean? Sure. Is it necessary to pile-on? Not at all. But you’ve gotta take the good with the bad, use what you need (regardless of if it’s what you wanted to hear), and realize that MOST people here have the main goal to help, not hurt. In the end, you know what is best for *your* life and *your* relationship…just don’t lie to yourself. 

Post # 56
Member
5497 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

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ecrisrien :  YES!!!!!!! this ALL day

Post # 57
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

The main positive to waiting is having more time to make sure you are really with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, and being able to break up more easily if you realize that you are not.  But since you are certain this is the man you want to be with, that is a positive only for your boyfriend. 

If you’re on a wedding site looking for positives to waiting, it seems obvious that you are anxious about it.  I’d say take a deep breath, take a step back, and use this time to evaluate even more seriuosly whether this guy is the right guy for you and is a real partner for the kind of life you want to live.  Let go of that driving need to get engaged and maybe see him with a different perspective.  If you met him today, would you date him – a person who wants to wait years longer than you to get married – or would you pass him by for someone whose life plan includes marriage much sooner?

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