The proposal doesn't make the resentment go away: A Cautionary Tale

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
4204 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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sadlyoutoflove :  Your boyfriend proposed just to shut you up after a fight about engagement but he didn’t actually want to be engaged yet, so you ended the engagement but he didn’t want to be broken up so you stayed together. Now he doesn’t want to go to couples counseling, so you’re not going to counseling. …What about what you want? You deserve a man who’s excited to build a future with you, a future that YOU have a say in. Not some dude who gets to dictate the path of your relationship all by himself.

I was in a relationship like that once. I lost myself to that for 7 years. Don’t lose yourself for a man who doesn’t really care about what you want!

Post # 17
Member
7807 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He’s nearly thirty, you’ve been together three years and lived together for two and he’s not sure? And refuses counseling?

It sounds as if he just wants to maintain his comfortable status quo. Is marriage important to you? Then he’s not your guy. Find a therapist just for you. And, echoing PP, find someone who can’t wait to marry you. 

Post # 19
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

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sadlyoutoflove :  If you’re not ready to walk away at this point, I would at least recommend therapy for yourself to help you process your own feelings and let go of the resentment.

Post # 20
Member
2439 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You resented him for that proposal, how do you know you won’t resent him for the next proposal (if that happens)???

I get that you dont want to throw 3 years down the drain without trying, but you’ve mentioned several things here that are obvious red flags- he threatens to break up/move out whenever you fight, he proposed just to keep you around, he didnt want to tell anyone he was engaged to you, he doesn’t think you need counseling, the list goes on.

 

Post # 21
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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sadlyoutoflove :  relationships should not be this hard. Move on

Post # 22
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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sadlyoutoflove :  I’ve been around here a long time and don’t recall anyone saying that the anger and resentment melt away. I’ve seen plenty of opposite posts where people said the anger and resentment killed the relationship even after a proposal finally came. At best, we sometimes see it where waiting resentment made the proposal less special but they were able to get over it. Can you (or anyone else) point me to some of these posts where people said the anger and resentment melted away?

In any case, there’s no point in sticking together now. It doesn’t make sense. The anger and resentment you felt while engaged, and still feel now, is not going to go away. It’s going continue festering like an infected wound. “maybe I’m wrong and my relationship is just trash and that’s why it went down that way.” — I’m sorry but I think this is your answer. Threatening to leave is immature and unhealthy. If you are so bad that he wants to leave, he should just leave. If it’s not bad enough for him to leave, then he should stop using that threat to manipulate you. I don’t see this getting better. Cut bait.

Post # 24
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

 

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sadlyoutoflove :  How long are you going to play victim to your illusions?

You two are not compatible. Not in temperament. Not in life. Never in marriage. You get one shot at life… how much more of it are you going to waste being miserable, angry and resentful?

Post # 26
Member
5634 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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sadlyoutoflove :  It’s on the proposal posts where the proposal was perfect and the girl was so happy and completely forgot about the anger she experienced. I really wanted that to be me….

I can’t remember any of these posts either, I honestly think you were reading into them too much and seeing what you wanted to.  I think if you are at the stage of anger then the relationship is dead whether you get a proposal tomorrow or ten years from now.  I don’t believe relationships are healthy or will survive is you are angry or flying off the handle while ‘waiting’. 

Post # 27
Member
1964 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Ugh. Just drop this guy like a hot potato. 

Post # 29
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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sadlyoutoflove :  So you’ll sit back and watch your best friends, frenemies, haters, sisters, cousins and coworkers find partners that make them happy, while sticking by a guy that:

Threatens to leave

Yells and brings out your worst in arguments

Doesn’t respect your timeline or your needs

Has no intention of marrying you happily

Is probably just waiting for the next hot thing to walk up and steal him away….?

 

You have yet to give us reasons why you love this jerk in the first place. I’m losing sympathy for you Bee. Your stubborness is going to keep you miserable.

Post # 30
Member
2439 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

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sadlyoutoflove :  “I don’t want to walk away and than watch him marry some other chick because he was finally ready to marry and I up and left.”

This happens often, but it happens because the men find women that they WANT to marry. It’s not that all of a sudden they’re ready and pop the question to the first girl who gives him a chance. he doesn’t want to marry you, move on. 

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