The proposal doesn't make the resentment go away: A Cautionary Tale

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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sadlyoutoflove :  Yeah but I don’t remember ever seeing this. The reason I mentioned it and am coming back to it is, it could be an example of you seeing what you want to see rather than what is actually there in front of you. Like you’ve been doing with this guy for 3 years now. 

I don’t want to walk away and than watch him marry some other chick because he was finally ready to marry and I up and left.” — So you’re going to keep clutching this turd in your hand because you don’t want anyone else to get the turd? This makes no sense. Drop it, wash your hands, and don’t worry about whether someone else picks it up or not. It’s a turd!

Post # 33
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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sadlyoutoflove :  So you only fight when you bring up your future? Your timeline, merging with his? He has this much control over your life? You gave that to him?

gee whiz dude what the hell? Get in the driver’s seat!

Post # 34
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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somathemagical :  this.

Sorry bee 🙁 love shouldn’t be painful 

Post # 35
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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Daisy_Mae : loololol this turd comment killed me. IMO OP is more interested in a potential engagement for the sake of engagement and marriage than she is a high quality relationship. 

Post # 36
Member
2072 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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sadlyoutoflove :  Bee no counseling or therapy = doomed relationship.  If you and he knew how to solve your problems you wouldn’t have made this post.  As a matter of fact, your first post would’ve been to tell us about your happy engagement.

Let’s be clear about something.  Resentment POISONS relationships.  Poison doesn’t just go away, it stays there until it finishes the job…..killing.  Counseling is your only shot and its a small one at best but his resistance to it should be a clear indicator of his lack of committment to this relationship.  He should be wanting to do everything he can to fix things.  Instead, he’s just sitting back and doing much of the same as before…..because he’s back in his comfort zone with no argument from you…..for now.

Honestly bee you’re simply wasting your time and prolonging your pain.  You are getting in your own way but some people have got to learn the hard way.  Hopefully the lesson will sink in without too much damage.  Good luck bee.

 

EDIT: Just saw this shit: I don’t want to walk away and than watch him marry some other chick because he was finally ready to marry and I up and left.   

Do you even understand the crazy logic behind that statement?  If he ups and marries some girl after you, it was because he WANTED TO MARRY HER! It means he was excited about someone NOT you! Wake the hell up!

Post # 37
Member
344 posts
Helper bee

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sadlyoutoflove :  I don’t want to walk away and than watch him marry some other chick because he was finally ready to marry and I up and left.”

Your wording is interesting here; you write as if this would be your fault/you would be the victim in this scenario. If this scenario does play out, you’ll be his one that got away. He will be at fault, he will be the victim. He waited too long and lost a good woman. How is this your fault? How are you worse for it?

My ex-boyfriend was immature, mama’s boy, lacked ambition and work ethic, the whole deal. I left him after years of on-and-off and I hear he’s grown up a lot since he blocked me on social media. And you know what? I don’t miss him. I wouldn’t take him back even if I could take him back as the new, improved, grown-up version he is now. I bet he’s a better boyfriend to his new girl than he was to me, but I don’t care, in large part because you can never really “start over” and wipe the slate clean on years of resentment, anger, mistrust, etc. You said it yourself – it doesn’t go away. So quit forcing it.

 

Post # 39
Member
4207 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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sadlyoutoflove :  Sorry if I was harsh bee! Certainly didn’t mean to be, but sometimes you have to see things in black & white without all the emotion to get a clear picture. He did actually! We got engaged ater a year of fighting about it and then he dragged his feet like your guy. After 2 months we set a date and a year later we married. 1.5 after that I caught him cheating. It had been happening our entire relationship, which is likely why he dragged his feet on marriage. I gave him a lot of passes but his selfishness and his inability to give a crap about me and what I wanted was a symptom of a much MUCH bigger problem (obviously). The fact is, I trusted too much and didn’t ask questions. I trusted he would tell me if he wasn’t happy in our relationship. He wasn’t the type to do anything he didn’t want to do, even down to what movies we watched, so I trusted that he certainly wouldn’t marry if he didn’t want to. Had I paid attention, I would have known he wasn’t actually into it and a lot of people saw it, but didn’t want to interfere. Sometimes you need to ask the questions you’re too scared to ask. Because what’s even scarier is tying yourself to someone who’s not in it 100%. Because if he’s not in it 100%, You’re missing out. And that means that there is someone out there who will be a better fit for you. 5 years ago, I would not have believed myself. But I’m currently planning my second wedding and the difference between the two experiences are night and day. It’s hard to believe I let someone treat me like I did and I hate seeing people put up with less than they deserve. So when I say you deserve better, I really do mean it. I’ve been in both situations and wish I could tell myself back then how much I was missing out on! It shouldnt be this painful and stressful. This should be fun and exciting. You’re building a life with the person you love most in the world!! If that’s not the case, what are you doing exactly?

Post # 40
Member
4207 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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sadlyoutoflove :  “I don’t want to walk away and than watch him marry some other chick because he was finally ready to marry and I up and left“. This is exactly why I stuck it out for a year of fighting about getting married. Because I’ll be damned if I gave up after 4 years and then he up and married someone else. Hell NO. You know what? I should have let him. If he’s not excited to marry you, you can’t make him be excited. In general, people don’t just decide their ready to get married, find the nearest human & run to the courthouse. They find someone they can’t imagine doing life without and then get married. Your boyfriends attitude is not that of someone who can’t imagine not building a future with you. Don’t waste your time feeling not good enough or unworthy of commitment. 

Post # 41
Member
617 posts
Busy bee

You don’t want to walk away and regret it. You don’t want to walk away and have him end up marrying someone else. 

As someone who walked away from a 10 year relationship I am telling you, I didn’t regret it. It has been 5 years and I still do not regret it. He is with someone else now and I hope they are happy but I am also pretty certain she is acting as his second Mother because that is definitely what he expected with me. If they end up getting married, that will mean she’ll end up living the life I decided I didn’t want. That isn’t regret. 

I was single for a while and now I am with a fantastic man who has not for one second made me question his feelings for me or his plans for the future. 

I’ll repeat it: I DO NOT regret it. 

 

I would have regretted marrying a man that I wasn’t happy with just because I didn’t want to start over

Post # 42
Member
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 

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whitecollarbee :  Ah, thanks. It’s hard to know what the situation was because that bee deleted her original post. Had she gotten to the point of anger and resentment? We’ll never know. The remaining post doesn’t mention any anger or resentment and to me it reads more like she’s saying she was right to NOT have anger and resentment. It comes down to how you interpret it. This OP might have assumed that that OP was full of anger and resentment which melted away. This is one of the reasons I preferred when posts couldn’t be deleted.

Post # 43
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

How long are you giving him to “get ready” to be engaged again? I guarantee if you leave him now you’ll be engaged in 2 years to a new amazing guy. Drop this albatross around your neck.  

My SO loves taking about our 2019 engagement it’s been an amazing journey, not a struggle. You deserve that too!

Post # 44
Member
438 posts
Helper bee

If you’re hoping that he’s going to suddenly wake up one day and say “OMG I can’t wait to get married!” then you are living in a fantasy world. 

What about him makes you so sure that he’s the one you want to spend your life with? If you can’t even discuss anything about your future without fighting then there’s no way you have discussed all of the important things needed to determine if you’re actually compatible.

Post # 45
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I can honestly say I have regretted not walking away sooner way more than doing everything possible to stay together. Staying together when it’s not going anywhere makes everything worse. The pain drags on. You miss out on opportunities to meet better people. You ruin everything you had. Every good memory gets tainted. I have always wished I had gotten on with my life sooner. I thought I would regret not fighting for a relationship once, but I just embarrassed myself and ruined any chance of friendship. At the time, I thought I was minimizing regret, but looking back, I wish I had read the writing on the wall and gotten out right away.

At the end of the day, you’ve spent years waiting on a man who doesn’t want to marry you. You can’t make him ready. You can’t force him into wanting to marry you. You can’t love him into being ready or wanting to marry you. At the end of the day, he has had enough time. He doesn’t want to marry you. He just doesn’t have the guts to call it off. 

I don’t want to walk away and than watch him marry some other chick because he was finally ready to marry and I up and left.

This literally won’t happen. He won’t suddenly be ready one day and whomever he’s dating will get to be the lucky girl. If he marries someone else, it will be because those two are a better match. And the thing is, you deserve a better match, too. You deserve someone who loves you and is eager to marry you. You deserve someone who puts actions behind his words. You don’t have that. Instead, you have a man who will just never be interested in actually marrying you. You can’t have a one-sided relationship. And what you want just doesn’t line up. 

To be honest, I bet you know this is going to end. You can’t go backward. You can’t get engaged then turn around and go back to dating and say it’s all fine. It’s just not fine. Relationships don’t work like that. You aren’t getting married for a reason. You don’t have a future together. And dating and hoping isn’t going to change that. He isn’t willing to do anything to change that.

I hope this doesn’t come across as too harsh. I sincerely wish you the best.

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