The proposal doesn't make the resentment go away: A Cautionary Tale

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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Daisy_Mae :  “So you’re going to keep clutching this turd in your hand because you don’t want anyone else to get the turd? This makes no sense. Drop it, wash your hands, and don’t worry about whether someone else picks it up or not. It’s a turd!”

This is The Best comment.

OP- it only takes one person to change a relationship. I do not think you should continue to waste time with this person but if you aren’t ready to leave him yet, you would be wise to see a therapist on your own- you can make some really powerful changes (for yourself, your life, your relationships) by doing that.

Post # 47
Member
590 posts
Busy bee

I highly recommend this video:

It’s a slam poem called “Wife…Woman…Friend"

You might be able to relate.

Post # 48
Member
3007 posts
Sugar bee

I didn’t deal with resentment during the waiting period as some other bees did. My now husband and I were always on the same page so I am coming from a different perspective. However, I do think what you’re saying is usually true. If you feel like you have to fight or force a proposal, even if you get engaged, those feelings won’t go away. 

 

Post # 49
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee

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sadlyoutoflove :  Im really sorry that this happened to you around something that is supposed to be the exact opposite of what you have experienced.

I get that you love him and WANT this to work. I get that it would kill you if he married the next girl after you left, but that is a huge IF to live your life around. 

I dont have a good feeling about any of this. I have rarely seen broken engagements (where the couple is still together) make it. There is so much hurt and resentment on both sides that it just becomes too hard.

I feel like you will always be fighting for something that just isn’t possible anymore. Do you really think that this time next year you will still be perfectly fine waiting ? Did you guys discuss timelines at all or what his reasoning is for being so against it right now?

I just dont understand how it could get better and change from here? If magically asking before didnt take away the resentment….how will him asking in the future take it away?

Post # 50
Member
3881 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You have become that cake topper of the woman dragging the man to the altar. Is that what you want your marriage to look like? Where you had to threaten and force marriage? 

A person who wants to get married will take the necessary steps to make that happen. They don’t have to be convinced or talked into it. They don’t use a proposal as a hail Mary to save their relationship. He does not want to marry you. He is fine with how things are and will only agree to marry to you avoid you leaving, not because he is excited to have you as his wife. 

Wasting 7 years is worse than wasting 6 is worse than waiting 5… you get the idea. Don’t waste anymore years on him. 

Post # 51
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

I’m going through the same damn thing right now. Been together over a decacde. 30 now. Fighting about marriage forever. He has an insane fear of commitment that I know goes far beyond him not wanting to marry me, I don’t believe it’s 100% personal. Agreed to get a ring. Got the ring and now he’s freaking out AGAIN.

I literally don’t know what we are title wise (he thinks we are together I just don’t feel like I want to be anyones girlfriend) and we are going to therapy.

I’m in between trying to work on things. Maybe selling the ring and getting a less expensive moissanite at some point and TRYING to stick this thing out because I love him or selling the ring and going to paris or somewhere by myself for a month. 

Bottom line I agree with this post. You can push and prod and get that ring but if you don’t have a partner that WANTS the same things as you you will never feel right.

There are a lot of people that get on these boards and are SUPER judgemental about the amount of time other people invest in relationships. Life isn’t perfect. Stuff happens. My relationship has outlasted some of the women on here who have got married. So who exactly is the expert at relationships? It sucks it might now work out but in the end you have to do what your heart tells you. Don’t let a stranger effect your life like that.

Post # 52
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee

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cypresstree85 :  I am fucking SCREAMING!! Girl!! That video needs to be permalinked at the top of the Waiting boards!

Post # 53
Member
13656 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If someone is not just as enthusiastic and excited about a future as you are I would consider that to be a red flag. Threatening to break up every time you argue is another one, and IMO emotionally abusive.  In my experience the right person in the right relationship will not have to be pushed.

Post # 54
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee

OP, watch “When Harry Met Sally.” That COULD be you, but you have to leave this guy first. He isn’t the one, Bee. 

Post # 55
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

sorry bee, you got a shut up ring. it should be this hard to make you his wife if he wanted to. if hes unsure of your future as husband and wife you need to call it quits and stop feeling sorru for yourself and jealous of the girl who isnt even getting married to him anytime soon either. its hard to pack up and leave but hes not even fighting for you and he always threatens to leave? girl if you get  married it will turn to “i think we should get a divorce” he will never change and its sad you think he is the best fucking thing to ever happen to you. 

 

Post # 56
Member
1427 posts
Bumble bee

Doesn’t part of you want someone to look into your eyes and say ” I love you with all my heart, I can’t wait to marry you. I want to grow old with you, have a family with you. Dream, travel, talk, laugh and hold hands with you for the rest of my life.”? You know this is not going to happen with this man. Let it go. It is your choice.

Normal relationships have ups and downs and give and take but if you have to drag someone to the altar then you are starting on a downhill slope. After resentment and anger comes ambivalence and then ultimately not giving a damn one way or another. You never want to end up hating someone or a situation. That means you are thinking about them all the time. Becoming obsessed. Spending time and energy on your anger and getting more and more stressed, physically and emotionally. Hate makes a prisoner of you. 

Post # 57
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee

The road to marriage isn’t some kind of endurance test. You can’t just hang around long enough that he’ll suddenly want to marry you because you’ve invested X amount of time. Maybe, MAYBE he’ll give in, but unless there are time-specific obstacles holding him back (finishing school, landing a job etc.) then another several years isn’t what’s going to make the difference. 

It’s pretty common that men will get out of a long term relationship and then marry their next girlfriend after a much shorter time period – but that’s not because that TIME was the right time for them, it’s because that GIRL was the right girl for them. 

What does he say is specifically is holding him back? 

Post # 59
Member
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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sadlyoutoflove :  I believe all of the words shared here, even harsh, are coming from a place where we want you to have peace and happiness. I hope you find that sooner than later 🙂

Post # 60
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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mel2 :  “I believe all of the words shared here, even harsh, are coming from a place where we want you to have peace and happiness.”

Yes. This 100%. 

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