The proposal doesn't make the resentment go away: A Cautionary Tale

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
811 posts
Busy bee

I certainly agree that the proposal doesn’t make the resentment go away. But it shouldn’t be getting worse.

I have quite a bit of resentment about the two years I spent waiting after my SO told me I “won’t have to wait long.” By the time he proposed at the end of his timeline (that I eventually had to ask for), I was totally burnt out and not excited at all. The moment wasn’t magical, and it didn’t erase my disappointment in him. 

However, things have only gotten better in the months since. Very slowly and slightly better, but better.  I have no doubts that my SO wants to marry me. He is happy to be engaged and talk about the wedding. We’ve already picked the venue. I’m very pleased with the engagement ring and the thought he put into picking it out, even though he dragged his ass getting around to it. 

The lingering resentment about my SO’s procrastination has been hard enough on its own. I can’t imagine also dealing with mounting frustration after a post-fight shut up proposal. There’s no resolution or relief in that.

Post # 63
1215 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I am curious why some bees are saying that the phenomenon of men marrying the next woman they date (after getting out of a LTR where they strung their partner along for YEARS) is due to the next woman they date being the right one for them – I mean yes, obviously, they do want to marry her, which is why they do – but my theory is that it has more to do with the desire for a fresh start. They did the dragging-the-feet thing with the previous partner and now they see themselves as a more adult/new person, ready to start a new phase. I believe they do love the new partner, but I think the timing may have more to do with what they learned about themselves and what women will put up with from their long term relationships that didn’t work out. Just a theory!

Post # 64
2329 posts
Buzzing bee

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sadlyoutoflove :  “I don’t want to walk away and than watch him marry some other chick because he was finally ready to marry and I up and left.”

I’M the “other chick” in this scenario.

My husband was previously with a woman for 3 years. They, too, talked about getting married. He, too, thought they “eventually” would. But he, too, dragged his feet because he just didn’t feel “ready” yet. They, too, only really argued when the topic of the proposal came up. 

But. As much as she wanted marriage, they just were NOT right for each other. They exasperated each other’s weaknesses instead of improving each other. It was difficult for each of them to see while they were in the thick of it, but after the breakup, it was clear as day to my husband. 

So. My husband’s ex left him and was engaged to another guy within 10 months. Married 7 months after that. 

And freed my husband up to figure his own shit out and, ultimately, to find me, the person he was absolutely “ready” to  marry within the first few dates. But he didn’t marry me because he was “finally ready” – he married me because we understand each other on a level neither of us had ever experienced before, because we inspire each other, because we operate on the same wave length.

It’s not that your partner “isn’t ready.” It’s that he’s not sure he wants to marry YOU. Don’t settle for the lackluster marriage that results from a couple marrying just because “it’s time.”

Leave this guy and open yourself up to the possibility/probability of finding a BETTER match, and being engaged and married within a few years.

You’re clearly coming from a mindset that this guy is “the best” you’re ever going to get. Don’t believe that mindset. There’s always better out there. And you absolutely are deserving of better.

Post # 65
876 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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duchessgummybunns :  So true! I was with my ex for nearly 7 years. We were “happy” but he dragged his feet about engagement. He finally proposed when I was half out the door. Thank god I had the sense to leave.

Hes now (apparently happily) married and Im soon to be engaged to a man who is 1000x better match for me. I can definitely look back and see how ex and I were not compatible but I was young and wanted it to work so badly that I tried to force it. SOOO glad I am now with the right man for me!

Post # 66
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

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duchessgummybunns :  This is such an important story, and something people need to understand better. If a partner dips and marries someone else right away, it’s not like a pickle jar where the lid got loosened by multiple people giving it a shot until the last one pops it. It’s just that they spent enough time learning what they don’t want (and, by extension, what they DO).

Listen to 

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sadlyoutoflove. Our duchess is wise.

Post # 68
97 posts
Worker bee

Is there a reason why he doesn’t want to be married yet? If you’re in your early twenties, are there things that he wants to accomplish first? School for example. Establish savings? Does he even have any reasons? Or just completely shuts the idea down. Just wondering if there is more of a back story. 3 years isn’t an extremely long time, some people need more time. As other posters have suggested, maybe it’s best to move on. Your communication toward each other and the dynamics seem off. But I’m sure there’s more to the story.

Post # 69
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Your relationship is trash. You asked and I’m confirming it for you. Why on earth would you want to stay with someone who gave you a shut up ring and then you broke the engagement you were desperate for? You shouldn’t have to be desperate for a ring in the first place! Everything following the shut up ring is nuts. You’re  a victim of your own circumstances. The only good advice bees can give you is to leave.  There’s no counseling and no changing him or fixing him. It’s  a matter of time before he does leave and marry the woman he actually does want to marry. It’s not you. Stop torturing yourself by staying because you think he will find someone else and marry them. I hope he does because it will force you to move on and stop being a doormat to him. You guys are not right for each other. And also someone who threatens to leave every time you argue is immature AF and NOT marriage material. Open your eyes bee. 

Post # 70
191 posts
Blushing bee

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sadlyoutoflove :  You don’t want someone you have to make “come around!”

Post # 71
5045 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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sadlyoutoflove :  I hope we can get back to a place where we can be engaged again

Honey you weren’t ever in that place because if you were you would not be in the place of an unhappy forced proposal and the current state of a cancelled engagement.

Honestly it isn’t supposed to feel this hard and full of drama. Trust me when I tell you when you meet the right person you look back at all your other relationships and go ” wtf was I thinking!!?” and ” omg they were so not the right people for me”.

You are young. Go find adventure and true love with someone who wants to genuinely commit to you with their whole heart and every fibre of their being! This guy whilst you may love him is not it for you. He proposed only because he felt forced to. A person who genuinely wants to marry you doesn’t hide a proposal from all the people they know. Someone who does want to marry you will excitedly shout their engagement to all who will listen. 

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