(Closed) The question I shouldn't have asked…

posted 6 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

No, but I feel like that’s a “the liklihood that we’ll ever have to deal with this is low, so I’m not going to go there” kind of situation. 

Post # 4
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

My husband and I have had this conversation, and he always says he would save me.  His thoughts are that we could always have more children, but he could never replace his wife.  While it is an awful choice to make, we agree on what we would do.

Post # 5
Member
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@s.renea9:  Gulp.  I think he should have said you, too.  ((HUGS))  I don’t know what to say, but you’re not selfish for feeling this way. 

Post # 6
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

My husband and I did have this discussion before we had our daughter (first child), and we agreed that my life should be the priority.  This really does make the most sense, because there can always be another baby or another means of having a child, but there can never be another you.  That said, I reacted very emotionally when we first had the discussion and initially insisted that our baby’s life be saved over mine.  I was obviously attached to the baby, and it took a few more rounds of discussion before I was able to see it from my husband’s perspective.

I think your husband is reacting emotionally, too — he might be thinking of it as I did, like I’ve had a chance to live, and the baby won’t have had any chance at life.  He doesn’t need to be calling you “selfish” for having your perspective, but I can see why he is having the thoughts he’s having.

Don’t be afraid — just talk, talk, talk before you decide to take the plunge into parenthood!

Post # 7
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I oddly remember having this conversation with my parents and they both said they would save the baby. Reason being that my mom felt she would have already had her chance to live and would want to give that to her baby and wouldn’t be able to live with herself knowing she was the reason her baby didn’t survive, but she also says how she would light herself on fire and jump in front of a bus to save any of her kids.

Post # 8
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it’s really counter-productive to get upset and hurt over a question to which there is no right or good answer.  Either answer anyone picks, there’s a cruelty about it.  Pick the mom and you’re a bad guy for letting an innocent baby die; pick the baby and you’re a bad guy for letting your wife die.  

I think you need to just let it go, really. 

Post # 9
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

We have, and FH said he would pick me, because “we can always have another baby; there can never be another you.” As hard as that is, I’m glad we see eye to eye on that.

However, it isn’t likely to come to that, ever, so I wouldn’t dwell too much on it. I dislike that he called you selfish for wanting to live, though; that’s a bit harsh.

 

Post # 10
Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

We had this conversation shortly after I got pregnant and Darling Husband said he would ask them to save me, with rationale much the same as @Mrs.KMM outlined.

Post # 11
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

Oddly enough we just had this conversation over the weekend even though we’re not TTC.  He jokingly said he would save the baby but it was very clearly a joke.  I told him that no matter what he needs to always save me.  we can have more babies.

Post # 12
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yikes. Yeah, that would probably hurt my feelings, too, even if I agreed with him (that the baby’s life should be saved). With my first, I told people I’d rather they save the baby. Now that I have a toddler, I just can’t imagine abandoning him without a mother, so I think I’d want to be saved this time around (not pregnant yet, though). It would definitely be a crappy decision to have to make if it really came down to that. Luckily, it rarely does in modern times.

Post # 13
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Wow. Sorry you got called selfish. I am not planning on asking Fiance this tonight over dinner since we will be TTC Jan 1

Post # 14
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I would hope I’d be saved. Yeah, the baby hasn’t had a chance to experience life yet but I haven’t experienced much of life yet either at 25, especially given there’s a high likelihood I’ll make it to 90. Plus, as others mentioned, we can always have more children. It can be argued either way but I think it was unfair of him to call you selfish. If you’re selfish for wanting to live then your future baby is selfish and your husband is selfish for wanting a child more than a wife.  That’s obviously very extreme and a little exaggerated. My point is that no one is being selfish and it’s a lose-lose situation. I hope you get the chance to talk it out again.

Post # 15
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Although we are years away from TTC, this situation has come up in my family before, so we have discussed it. He said he’s always pick me, and I’m glad. In my mind I would always pick the mother if there was a choice between one or the other because you can make another baby because you don’t KNOW them yet. You know your wife, and you can’t just make another one of her because you know her. If that makes any sense.

And if Fiance said that he wasn’t sure or that he’d pick the baby, I would have a written legal document drawn up stating that in the event one must be saved, it would be me.

Post # 16
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I’d be a little upset too. I’d also tell him that we’re adopting, because I want to live.

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