- 2 years ago
I have posted a bit about my “waiting” situation and just wanted to see if anyone could relate. About a month ago, I had a breakdown about engagement to my boyfriend. I guess I realized that he was having some sort of difficulty with proposing (not doubting whether or not to do it, but unsure of where to start with rings, how to do it, etc.) He was, obvious to me, overwhelmed. I bottled my feelings up for a few months and became very depressed for several weeks leading up to the breakdown/discussion.
We talked things out and established that we were going to get engaged, but a clear timeline wasn’t exactly set. I sent him ring options and that was basically it. I thought I had gotten everything off my chest and that the conversation would set us both up for success, but honestly, things were still weird. Fast forward maybe 2-ish weeks later and it got brought up again. I tried my hardest not to talk about it and I can’t even really remember how it started, but there we were talking about it. This conversation went a lot better although it did begin with him getting upset with me because we had already had a very long and emotionally draining conversation about it.
This second conversation left me with a timeline of the first half of this year and the knowledge that he told his Dad he was proposing “soon”. I don’t believe he has an exact date in mind, but that doesn’t really worry me.
So, while I felt a lot better after this and genuinely excited/more at peace, things were still weird… By this, I mean we just weren’t vibing. I’m not sure how to articulate it, but we were just very obviously disconnected emotionally.
This past Thursday, we had both gotten home from work and were puttering around when he said something about us never having sex. He didn’t just randomly say it, I think he tried to make a move and I denied him. His comment was not one backed by anger, but it triggered me. I got really quite and solemn and just couldn’t really continue a conversation. This has been an issue for us for a long time- not being intimate. I suffer from anxiety and it physically effects my body leaving my digestive system a mess. I recently have been working on it, but I still have a lot to do. Because of this, I pretty much never want to be touched. At this point, I’m so used to feeling crappy that even if I feel okay, I can’t get out of the mentality- if that makes any sense.
Long story short- we ended up talking and I dug really deep into his feelings about our relationship. He said it upsets him (why wouldn’t it) that we have no physical relationship. While I have wrecked my brain trying to think of solutions that will make me want to be intimate with him more, I haven’t been successful. It was very clear that we haven’t “been in love” for a long time.
During this conversation, however, he asked that we spend more time together and everything sort of just clicked for me. I’ve been so caught up with how I feel physically and being on my own schedule that really and truly, I neglect him. I make him dinner, I clean our house and do other things like that, but I don’t spend time with him. It sounds insane, but we had just grown apart without me even noticing. He said, “I want to be engaged right now, but..” and I knew exactly what he meant. Why would he propose if we don’t have a well-rounded relationship?
From this conversation, we established that we wanted to have dinner together every night (which really will end up being 3 nights per week likely as he plays soccer and typically gets dinner with friends another night/I have random things going on) and spend an additional minimum of one hour together just relaxing. I also asked that he come to bed early to watch a tv show 3xish a week because that’s something I really enjoy/helps me get to bed at a reasonable time. Its been 4 days since we had this talk and I already feel like our relationship is worlds different. Spending time together with no expectations has been much more natural than I would have anticpated. We we’ve been intimate 2x since then and I didn’t feel the usual pressure or nagging. It just happened. This is the first time in a very long time that I have felt excited by my relationship/my boyfriend. I am looking forward to spending time with him when we get home, right now. I genuinely miss him and I’ve caught myself just looking at him thinking about how much I love him/am happy to be doing whatever it is at that moment with him.
As desperate as I’ve been to get engaged, I know that needing to get to this very point is the reason why it wasn’t happening. I am thankful that we were able to have this realization before it became “too late” and our relationship completely deteriorated.
There’s not really a big point to this, but if you can relate, I’d love to hear. I feel confident that we are heading in a very positive direction and can maintain/improve if we keep our intetions visible.