- 5 years ago
Cliffs Notes of the background story (apoligies for all the text!): We dated for about three years and he broke it off for quarter-life-crisis reasons/ commitment-phobia. He began to regret it shortly after and reached out to me for another chance… but I rejected him, dated someone else for a bit, etc. I, at some point, realized I couldn’t stop thinking about him, couldn’t remove him from my thoughts about the future. I reached out to him after a couple of months to apologize for some needlessly unkind things I said while he was trying to get another chance and asked for copies of a scrapbook we had made together.
He brought the scrapbook to my place the next day. He also said he wanted to talk. During this talk, he told me that he was still in love with me, still wanted to be with me, was so sorry about his mistake. Then he pulled a ring out of his pocket and proposed. (When I asked when he bought it, he admitted that he bought it on the way to my place and had decided that day that he couldn’t leave without asking me to demonstrate his seriousness.) Given the circumstance at the time, I declined but said I wanted to work on things. (He fully expected me to give him and out-right “no.” To be fair, I did call him crazy.)
He insisted I keep the ring so he could use it to propose again down the road. I wear it on a necklace most days and plan to until he proposes again (which he’s made clear he wants to do and wants to make it special). It’s a simple princess-cut .25 on a simple white gold band. Genuine and pretty appropriate for the proposal.
Almost six months later, things are amazing. We’re happier than we’ve ever been. We’re living together and making plans for the future. We’re able to be honest and trust each other. We’re both on Cloud Nine.
Here’s where the trouble starts. On the way to our friends’ wedding, the bride’s ring came up in conversation. He said, “Oh you’ve seen it?” I reminded him that he’s seen it a few times because she always wears it and made a joke that she also obligatorily posted a picture on Facebook the day they announced their engagement. He’s doesn’t use Facebook, so he was surprised that women are so into posting their rings. He winced and said something to the effect of, “Oh no, when I propose again, all your friends are going to think I’m a jerk because the ring is so small and cheap.” I reminded him that I’d be wearing it every day, so people would see it regardless of whether I chose to post it on Facebook. He made a joke about pawning the ring I keep now to get a bigger one and I laughed it off. But later, it started to bother me. He’d made a comment before about how he felt bad that he spent more on his computer than he spent on my ring and I started to remember that.
So now I feel weird about the ring. Before, I liked it. It wasn’t what I would have chosen for myself to a tee (I would have picked oval, but that’s not a biggie tbh), but I liked it because he gave it to me and because it was such a genuine gesture of his realizing what I mean to him and of his ability to be serious about a life together. But after he’s said all these things, I can’t help but feel strangely about him proposing with a ring that he basically said he was embarrassed for me to show to people. (I wouldn’t feel weird if he/ we just couldn’t afford it, but he/ we could. I’m actually the financially practical one, saying “We don’t need an apartment that big/ fancy” or “Nobody needs a car that pricey,” or “Maybe we don’t need to go out for dinner tonight.” He’s the splurger and likes nice things. Role reversal, heh. I should also mention that he is incredibly generous toward me, so please don’t think that he’s a jerk who only wants to spend on himself, because that’s no where near the truth.)
I’m not sure how to address it. I’m not a materialistic person and THINGS never matter to me. But, all of a sudden, this THING matters to me because of his feelings about it. I’d say yes if he proposed with no ring at all! Or with a twist-tie or a ring-pop or whatever! But if I’m going to have a ring, I don’t want to feel like it’s tainted by the fact that he doesn’t like it and keep on wishing that he had put more thought into it (even though it was an impulse decision at the time, which is part of the romance of it, really).
Am I being neurotic or reasonable? I feel a mixture of both. Would you ladies feel the same way?
And what to do? I want us both to be comfortable with something I’m going to wear (or not wear, if we chose to forego an e-ring) every day. I wouldn’t want anything crazy. I’m a size 4, so my hand is pretty easily overwhelmed and I’m not really a jewelry person (the only other jewelry I wear is an old sterling silver band because it was my grandmother’s), so I’m not necessarily asking for a serious upgrade here (and I’d be fine with an alternative or simulant– it’s not important to me, really). I just don’t want to feel like he’s embarrassed when I show it off. And I don’t want to hesitate to show it because of his feelings about it– I plan on being excited and proud to be engaged to him. I guess I want to know whether I’m being crazy and/or whether/how to bring it up. Opinions? Thank you!