(Closed) The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions…(long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8444 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@BrunettesDoItBetter83:  I think you’re right, but I don’t base the signifigance of my friendships/relationships on duration, but rather depth.  If I feel a deep connection with someone I’m close to them, even if I just met them.

Post # 4
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re throwing the relationship out the window, but I can see why she’s hurt. You consider her your best friend, so why shouldn’t she expect that you’d ask her to be MOH?

 

If I’d asked one of my newer (but great) friends to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, my best friend would’ve been really hurt, too. Did you get a chance to explain why you did it? I get your reasoning and it was kind of you to try to make her life less stressful, but to her, this is a huge event that she probably wanted to be a big part of (regardless of her time constraints).

Post # 6
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

I can see why she’s upset.  If you’re going to ask her to be  BM anyways, she would have the same “stress” that you tried to avoid by making someone else a Maid/Matron of Honor. She would still plan all the parties for you and have to be there on your day.  So I can see why to her it looks like this is a statement about your friendship.

I would be hurt if my best friend did this to me.

Post # 8
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You didnt do anything wrong, but I still would have said something to her before asking the other person. “I would really like to  have you as my Maid/Matron of Honor, but I know you will be busy with you wedding. I need someone who can devote more time and attention to my wedding. I don’t want to set up our relationship for failure because my needs and your understandable commitments to other things will clash. But know in my heart you are my Best Friend and a Maid/Matron of Honor title will not change that.”

Post # 9
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BrunettesDoItBetter83:  It’s not about the time. It’s about being asked. That means more than anything. It might’ve been better to ask her opinion about it first, and let her decide where she feels her stress levels are at. 

 

Post # 10
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the other post you need to acknowledge how indepth your friendship is and if she is someone that really means a lot to you than you should give her the honor.  You just got engaged why is it so important to get married so fast??? I understand that it was after a 10 year wait but I dont understand how a couple months after her’s would make that big of a difference.

She could relax a little and she would be done with her own wedding and be able to give you her undivided attention. I personally think you are a little selfish considering she is your best friend and you are not giving her the Maid/Matron of Honor because you havent known her long. 

You made the statement”you havent known her long but the friendship and kinship is there”. Why would you question that???

Post # 14
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

@BrunettesDoItBetter83:  to reply to specific posters, hit the reply button under their post.

if your Boyfriend or Best Friend is so pushy and opinionated she’s going to be pushy and opinionated whether she’s Maid/Matron of Honor or a Bridesmaid or Best Man so I don’t think that’s really part of the equation.  

you said “i dont want to make her do crafts when she has so many more important things to tend to.”  I don’t think that has anything to do with being a Maid/Matron of Honor, or a Bridesmaid or Best Man for that matter. You can get help from anyone.  My mom and grandpa helped me with my crafts.  I didnt’ ask any of my BMs or Maid/Matron of Honor for help with that stuff, (it’s simply not part of their “responsibilities”.) I think a Maid/Matron of Honor should be chosen on who is your best friend, who is there for you through thick and thin and there for your relationship.  Not based on who is going to do DIY projects with you and plan the best shower, etc.

Post # 15
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@BrunettesDoItBetter83:  Here is where I would tell a little white lie and say to your bf that the reason you didn’t pick her as your Maid/Matron of Honor is because you knew she would be swamped planning her own wedding and you didn’t want to overburden her; if she had to be your Maid/Matron of Honor right as she was planning all the prep (bachelorette party/shower,etc) for her own wedding and then going on her honeymoon/enjoying being a newlywed, that wouldn’t be very fair to her either. Don’t tell her you picked your other friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor because you’re closer to her; that might be the truth, but I believe it never helps to tell one friend how much closer you are to another friend. 

 

And if that is just not a good enough reason for your bf, then tell her you’re sorry you upset her and that your friendship is more than who stands where in the bridal party line. Personally, I think it’s ridiculous that anyone would get that upset over something as silly as a title — it’s not like you cut her out of the bridal party and who really pays attention to the differences between Maid of Honor, Matron of Honor, Bridesmaid Extraordinaire, etc (it’s unfortunate that you don’t have a sister to take on the role). I think all you can do is apologize, tell her that you didn’t intend this to be any reflection on your friendship, and that you hope you can both support each other through such a joyful summer. And then don’t let it ruin your wedding. She doesn’t get to make this about her. No offense, but your bf sounds a little bit aggressive; in my experience, people like that respond better if you are firm with them. Best of luck to you and please remember that your wedding is first and foremost about you and your soon-to-be husband — don’t let anyone take that from you! *Hugs*

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