Post # 1
Darling Husband and I spoke this morning. Things were much calmer and leaning towards positive and the progress to be made. We are still looking for professional help. Thank you to the bees that messaged me privately about their similar issues and how their marriage recovered. I am so grateful for your encouragement.
I’ll remain optimistic.
In my first post I mentioned that Darling Husband aired our issues and his POV and did some name calling (about me) to his dad. He has since realized how wrong that was, apologized and told his dad that he shouldn’t have done that. With cool heads, he agreed to continue hosting them this Christmas.
My in-laws are wonderful people and they are resilient, despite hardships in their childhood and in their marriage. But they are his parents and they will support him no matter what. Now that I have been cast in this light, I can’t help but fear that their perception of me has been changed and I have to tread carefully. I don’t want them to think that I am a bad person for their son. I don’t want to give them more fuel, even if these new things move to the back burner or they are forgiven.
Has anyone been in a situation like this with their in-laws? Things going from really great to really skeptical? Thank you!
Post # 2
Do you have anything to suggest that your in-laws will treat you differently because of what your husband said, or are you just making up a problem where it isn’t clear that there is one yet? Not trying to sound harsh, it just sounds like you’re catastrophizing.
Post # 3
I think that since your husband was the one to cause the damage by talking about you that way to his parents, he should be the one to smooth things over.
Post # 4
I am definitely panicking. I guess I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst? And what do I do when the worst is reality?
Post # 5
vowstowoes : But, like…why would you assume that it will be reality? Do your in-laws have a history of sticking their noses into your relationship?
You’re asking for advice on how to “repair” things with your in-laws but it doesn’t look like there’s anything broken in the first place.
Post # 6
I hope you are right. I don’t have any concrete evidence to suggest that they could see me as a problem. I just know that they love their son. whitecollarbee :
Post # 7
I’m not exactly sure what’s going on here, but I’ll say that my in-laws did not start out as the biggest fans of me. It’s a long story. Time is the great healer here. Spend some years with your husband, let them see him thrive and be happy with you…that’s what’s going to endear you to them. I wouldn’t worry too much in the meantime. People are going to think what they’re going to think and that’s their right. If they’re solidly on their son’s side, that’s a good thing. It means they will be happy when time proves that you are good for him.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
You and your husband are a team. If your in-laws hate you for whatever reason, it should be his job to advocate for you, not for you to go 3-against-1 and try to win them over. Don’t talk shit about your spouse to your parents. Just don’t do it. The fact that your husband did makes it HIS mess to clean up, his consequences to undo, his relationship to mend.
Don’t make fixing every single relationship all on you. That’s not fair to yourself.
Post # 9
Concentrate on working through and repairing your relationship with your husband. If your in-laws see that the two of you are happy and on solid ground they are likely to view you and your relationship favorably. If they see one or both of you unhappy they are likely to have a less favorable view, no matter what you say or do.
Let go of this idea that you can or should “fix” everything. You can’t. You can only fix yourself. You have no control over how anyone else thinks, feels or behaves, just how you contribute to the situation.
Post # 10
I think some bees are maybe missing the context. OPs husband bitched to his father ABOUT her and ABOUT their relationship. It’s not the parents sticking their nose in, it was her husband going on a tirade about very personal things.
In my experience (as a friend of similar, not a parent), its VERY hard to overcome. My friend came to me in a dark time and spilled her guts about all the terrible things he was doing. Things no one else sees, things no one else knows. She was so unhappy. It was very difficult to “play nice” with him after hearing how bad things are.
I agree that the best bet is to show a united front for this time. Hopefully real, and not a facade. His parents are going to be pretty cautious, I imagine, over xmas. The bad memories will fade if you can replace them (long term) with good memories. But your husband has to NEVER EVER air your dirty laundry to them again.
Post # 11
I am glad that your husband has come to see that talking to his parents about you in that way was wrong. I am very against oversharing, and I think it is a good policy not to discuss issues in your marriage with anyone outside the marriage, except for a counselor/therapist/pastor. The reasons are obvious: people in your life are biased. They will tend to take one person’s side over the other. Furthermore, you have to continue to see them as a couple, so it makes things awkward. Finally, at least a pastor or therapist or counselor is bound by confidentiality; family and friends could literally share what you’ve told them with anyone.
It’s a great start that your husband has apologised and told his dad that he shouldn’t have done that, and he needs to never do it again. I definitely don’t think you should take it upon yourself to try and persuade or talk to your in-laws to try and get them to change their opinion of you. Leave it in the past. It’s a good sign that they are still willing to come to Christmas dinner, it means that they are open and that things can be mended. Just be pleasant and welcoming and positive. Let who you are and your behaviour speak for itself.
People can be surprisingly forgiving and resilient, and, as other PPs have noted, time tends to heal most things. If you and your Darling Husband get back on track, then this whole thing will fade eventually.
Post # 12
I would focus on repairing things with your husband first… Seems like you two have a lot to work through if this marriage is going to survive.
Post # 13
vowstowoes : it’s up to your husband to fix things with his parents. He shouldn’t have spoken to them about the negative aspects of your relationship. I don’t know what he said but hopefully they were common marriage issues that his dad could relate to.
Post # 14
I know it’s hard but you have to just be yourself and try not to worry what others might be thinking. It might be best to have a few board games or card games picked out to play on Christmas, that way the mood will be light and fun. Then you won’t feel as awkward and it will be a good way for your in-laws to get to know your personality without awkward small talk