Post # 1
My DH is bad in bed.
Bad, bad, bad.
Bad to the point I don’t even want to do it with him (we havent had sex in months)
He always says that I am a starfish and don’t get in to it.. I don”t get in to it because he doesnt do anything to “warm me up”
He expects me to go down on him to get him hard, then he wants to have sex.
Guess what? That doesn’t turn me on and when I am that dry it hurts!!!
I’ve tried to talk to him but it hurts his feelings. He had penis problems for a long time due to anxiety/stress (think Charlotte and Trey in Sex & The City) so sex is a really sensitive subject.
When we first got together he was AMAZING. Then he had his erictile issues and we barely had sex for about 5 years. Now he has overcome his issues he is wanting to have sex again but seems to forget how to turn a woman on! & he acts like it is me that has the issue.
I admit I could put more effort in, but come on.. it isnt the womans job to always seduce the man. It should be 50/50 and it isn’t happening that way.
He keeps asking why I don’t put the moves on him, why I don’t want sex and I keep making excuses. Any suggestions?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
This sounds alllllll bad.
You’re frustrated. He’s hurt. He’s frustrated. You’re hurt. It’s seems like a viscious cycle :/
Post # 4
I suggest you show him this post! Or at least tell him the gist of what you told us. He needs to understand that you DO want to have and enjoy sex with him like you used to, but that you need him to do it the way HE used to.
ETA: Could you get him to do a bit more at a time? Like, praise him a LOT for any kind of foreplay?
Post # 5
1. Buy a bottle of lube. Yes, he needs to work on turning you on, but relieve some of the stress of that by having lube ready…once he’s ‘in’ is he better and is it enjoyable?
2. Think of specific things you want him to do to you as foreplay. Then tell him. Guys really do like that, compliment when he does things great, and if you want to change something give gentle direction
3. Just start having sex. This may sound weird, but you can’t get back into loving sex with him unless you are actively doing it. This is why you need that lube.
Post # 6
I have some anxiety issues with sex. It at the moment, has caused a major dry spell. I get in the mood, completely tense up and get too nervous to do anything. My partner and I have gone back to taking everything slow. Lay in bed making out, if we progress to gettting naked we take all that slow. Nothing is rushed into sex. We take our time with each other. If I freeze up, he stops immediately.
I suggest you two try this. Take is slow! You don’t have to have sex to be inimate with eachother. Communication is key.
Post # 7
He needs to move past his “hurt feelings” and really listen to what you have to say. Encourage him and tell him how amazing you know he can be, and show him what turns you on. If that doesn’t work, maybe you guys should seek counseling together.
Post # 8
Since he is kinda sensitive about talking about it maybe (and I know some people are opposed to this) get an adult video that features some things you would like to do in your relationship? If you go out and get it to ‘spice things up’ maybe he wouldn’t take it as a critique of himself and have some fun with it.
Post # 9
i think open communication is key here. have you discussed going to see a sex therapist together? intimacy can play a big role in some relationships so it’s important not to let it get to the point of resentment and emotional detachment.
Post # 10
When you’re going down on him, what does he do with his hands? If he doesn’t touch you, stop, place his hands on your body (wherever you want them wink wink) and say, “mmm that feels good” then go back to his wee wee. lol wee wee. When his schlong is getting a bit harder…if he’s still doing nothing with his hands, stop again, and pointedly place his hands back on your body. “Dayum that feels good when you touch me there!” (that’s you). Go back to the cockadoo…etc.
Then if he doesn’t get the damn point, stop entirely and say, “When I am sucking on your weiner, I know it feels good for you. So could you please fondle my boobies? That feels good for me. Otherwise I feel like a whore. Thanks!”
You can choose your own vocabulary, but you know what i mean.
Post # 11
There was a time when my DH was getting a bit lazy in the foreplay department and I had to lay it out clear to him that I need that to be fully satisfied in bed. I showed him just what I was missing from him.
It worked becasue our sex life is much better now. Sometiems we have our quickies and sometimes he brings out all the moves. 🙂 I had to tell him how un happy it was making me and he realized that what I was asking for was actually going to benefit him too because I am very much like you. I need the foreplay to really enjoy sex.
If he wont hear you out, you should see a therapist. A sex therapist, not just a regular one.
Post # 12
OMG it cracked me up when you wrote this: lol
Then if he doesn’t get the damn point, stop entirely and say, “When I am sucking on your weiner, I know it feels good for you. So could you please fondle my boobies? That feels good for me. Otherwise I feel like a whore. Thanks!
Post # 15
@dannielle89: Ummm, thanks for posting this. We’re in the same boat, girl.
Post # 16
I’m going to echo you either having a pointed conversation or really communicating in bed.
“I want you to suck my nipples, praise.
I love you when you go down on me, praise.
Your hands feel so good on my _______, praise.
Go a little slower, a little harder, a little to the left. Praise.”
Additionally, I would be super honest upfront. I’m getting in bed naked and want to heavily make out with you. We need to reconnect and I want to slowly get you off after you get me off.
Are these things helpful, or are you needing something else? Do you think you can try a few of these things and if they aren’t successful, you suggest counseling with a sex therapist!?