(Closed) The story of me and how I came to be engaged, 2 propsals, venting (kinda long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well, I read it all, and sorry, but I don’t think that I really have any ideas to help you with! It sounds like writing it out has been a really good step.

It sounds like you need to forgive them, and to do that you have to realize that you can still think someone did something wrong, but that is different than forgiving them. Once you forgive them, you’ll be more peaceful.

Post # 4
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sorry about your FI’s medical problems-that is a lot for any couple to go through on top of raising a child.  But after reading your story it concerns me that you put so much emphasis on your “dream wedding”.  I think you are setting yourself up for another disappointment if things don’t go perfectly.

Life is messy.  Life is not a fairytale.  Relatives are annoying and instrusive.  We all have to find a way to deal with these things.  Being angry at your Fiance for a rushed proposal is not productive.  And it’s not his mother’s fault it happened that way.  He’s a grown man and she was not holding a gun to his head.  And so the beach proposal was the one of your dreams either.  Big deal. 

You are getting married to the man you love and the father of your child.  Focus more on your future than what your child will look like in a tiny tux.  That should be the least of your thoughts.  Forgive your Father-In-Law and your future husband and learn to love your life and your choices.

Post # 6
Member
7403 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t know, honestly sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law had good intensions (as misguided as they were). Maybe you should shift how your thinking about this. She doesn’t sound like nightmare type Mother-In-Law that we read about here (unless your leaving out details). She actually wants you as her DIL rather than trying to break you guys up? Thats a blessing.  Also, I think you putting all of the responsiblity on her while you fiance gets a pass. its not like your fiance was a child you had to do what his mom wanted. My FH wouldn’t dare just propose to me out of some outside pressure.

You have admitted that you are making a choice to dwell on it, which is the 1st step. In order to really get past it, you have to continue to take repsonsiblity for your thoughts and reactions to the first “propsal”. Why don’t you stop refering to it as that. Think of it as trail run.

As far as your family not showing excitiment or your engagement, I understand that its disappointing. But I’ll be honest with you. To me having a baby trumps all, in a good way. Once people are living together and raising a family, especially if they have been together as long as you have been, a wedding isn’t the be all end all. They will probably get more excited closer to the actual wedding date. 

I’m speaking as someone is has lived with my SO for about 4/5 years now, but we have been together more than double the seven years you have. So can imagine, 98% of our friends/family have long considered us married. They think the paperwork is just that and few have said that we should simply go to city hall, rather than spending money on a big bash. They are entitled to their opinions but its not gonna stop me, change my plans nor damper my excitiment.

We are planning on a city hall wedding because our fiances at this time suck and will have a larger celebration later on. Is it what I want to do? No. Is city hall my dream wedding, absolutely not. Kudos to the couples/women who do prefer that. But its what we have do for now and I’m chosing to embrace it. Because for the last two+ years I beat myself & my FH up for not being able to afford a larger wedding.

Now I try not to stress myself over what I’m not getting, but focus on what what we do have. A mature relationship that has stood strong despite many tests. So I’ve chosen to make the most of our city hall wedding because tomorrow isn’t promised. While it won’t match my “original” vision, it will still be fabulous!

Post # 8
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

First off, kudos on waiting to get married until you were sure it was what you and your Fiance wanted and not because you got pregnant. That is a big decision and too many marriages end in divorce because they only got married for the kid. I’m glad you thought it thru. And your own child in your wedding will be adorable and make great family photos! My picture on here is actually my son at our wedding.

Secondly, I know how you feel about your Future Mother-In-Law forcing him to propose. After I got pregnant with our son, my Mother-In-Law kept saying that she wanted us to get married before I started showing so no one would see any signs of a baby in the pictures. We weren’t even engaged at the time! We didn’t even talk about getting married until after he was born. She pushed us and pushed us until we finally started planning but it was OUR decision, not hers. After the wedding (our son was 8 months old) she has backed off and seems happy. I’m hoping you will find your Future Mother-In-Law to be the same way. Once the wedding is over she should move on and you should be able to forgive her a lot more easily.

About YOUR family, they are a bit like mine too, only not as crazy. The second time my dad met my Darling Husband he threatened to kill him and it’s gone downhill from there. He even tried to push threw me to get to him once! Be glad your father never did that. When I got pregnant the whole family was dissapointed. My sisters played the happy aunts when he was born but my parents still were upset. When it came time for the wedding my sisters had to force me dad into the church for the ceremony but then everyone left before the reception. I have only talked to them twice since the wedding 6 months ago and one was for my sons 1st birthday. Some families are like that. It hurts, but it’s true. I sure do hope your family realizes what they are doing and knows that it hurts you. Maybe they will come around before the wedding and be able to be there for you and help where it’s needed.

Post # 9
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

In some ways I have a very relative story.

Fiance and I wanted to get married and our timeline was about June or July 2011.

Well Fiance found out that he was getting deployed in late Feb 2011.  When I found out I went through the stages of grief and part of that was me saying; “I wanna be engaged before you go over there!!!!! *sob sob*” well Fiance went out and bought a ring that day and proposed as I walked in the door from work.  I was crying, like you, not tears of happiness, but since I was still grieving him leaving.  He was crying because I was crying.  He had puked only minutes before and was feeling like death since he had just been given a million vaccinations that they poke soldiers with before they go to the Middle East.  It was ideal.

A few hours later Fiance asked me why I didn’t seem happy and overjoyed and had called no one to tell them the news.  I said its because it seemed like I rushed it and forced him and I didn’t want the proposal to be that way.  And I gave back the ring and told him to propose when he felt ready, and not to let the deployment rush us.

Do I blame his job for ruining that?  Maybe at first but I don’t hold a grudge.  I moved on.  I could hold a lot of grudges against the Army, but I don’t.  NOw… I know the Army and your inlaws are not ALL THAT comparable, but I wanted you to hear my story as it has some similarities to yours.

I don’t let the first ruined proposal taint the second/real one.  In fact, I just look at it as being another thing my Fiance did to show his love for me.  He was willing to do that to help me feel better about his deployment.  And in turn, it showed my love for him was strong and real by saying no 🙂

I hope you’re able to let this go!

Post # 10
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@AshleyB: Wow, what a path you and Fiance have gone down on. I can relate to being together for a long time , having a baby together, and still waiting .

Try to let the first disappointment go. Your family probably shows little excitement b/c you guys have been together so long. My family is the same, they would ask all the time when me and Fiance were getting engaged and when we did their only response was, “finally” and then haven’t really been interested since then. Don’t take it personal. I know it can be easy to forget since wedding is probably one of the only things you think of , but you have to remember it’s not the only thing other people are thinking about. 

And it sounds like the parents  only had good intentions about the first proposal, and are just old fashioned.

The second proposal was very sweet and you should cherish that! I know it’s easy to forget in wedding world, but you need to let go of these extremely high expectations . I promise you, NOBODY has had the absolutely perfect engagement and flawless wedding. If you keep striving for perfection and get upset over every thing that didn’t go exactly like it happened in your mind, you will drive yourself into a frenzy and be nothing but a big stress ball. Being a big stress ball will take away from the experience of your wedding day, not help it. You don’t want to be in the waiting room before you walk up the aisle crying, b/c the ring bearer is wearing the wrong shirt and you don’t know if the dj has arrived yet, and etc. etc. etc.

I know it’s hard to do  but you just need to take some deep breaths, let the resentment out and just ENJOY every second of your wedding planning, and let the bad go so it won’t ruin the rest of the fun you are having:)

And when you do get stressed, theirs always weddingbee to vent on:) try not to let it out on your Fiance or family.

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