(Closed) The Talk……..Again(round 10)……maybe a glimmer of hope?

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1929 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Sunshine – You mentioned your daughter – how is this situation for her?  How is living with this man?  I would be concerned about her growing attached to someone who might not ever end up being her step father…..I wonder if you should consider living on your own to protect yourself and your daughter and to regain your independence but continue to be with your BF – just not living together until you both decide marriage is the right next move…

Post # 18
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

hmm….i kind of agree with most of the bees that are saying something is just not right…I think everyone already mentioned why so I wont go into those details…but I do think that something is really wrong with this picture…

Post # 20
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sunshine, I haven’t been following your other threads, but I just thought I would give my two cents, based on the facts you have presented. While I feel it was a step in the right direction for your partner to be honest with you about how he feels, it was certainly not done in an ideal way. “Emotionally stunted” is a difficult phrase to come to terms with! I also feel that letting you know he has the ring, but imposing a timeline of 5 years in the ‘hopes” that you will grow past your emotional challenges is completely unfair to you. His hesitance to commit to you, your daughter, and your life together seem to be red flags.

With regards to the house, I had a family member who remarried. Her husband passed away, but she continued to live in the house until her death. At that time, the house went to his children from a previous marriage. Just a way to work arnound the assests thing. However, I think other issues need to be worked on before you take a look at that.

You owe more to yourself and to your daughter. Good luck in making a decision!

Post # 21
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. Personally I think you need to involve a relationships counselor and talk things through more. I agree with the other gals, there just isn’t something that is right.  If he is going to hold it over your head what happened to him in the past and not trust the relationship you guys have now then something isn’t right and won’t ever be.  I can’t remember how long you guys have been, but if he thinks you can’t handle a real relationship, then what does he call the relationship you guys are in now?  Also, why does he think you feel “entitled” to his assets?  Have you told him you expect the house or something?  I’m sorry, but if you guys got divorced, sure, fine, he had the house before so he keeps it—you get a fresh start somewhere else–great!  BUT, if the man, heaven forbid, died then his wife would be without a home? That seems so strange.

Good luck. Please let us know what happens and I hope you guys will consider counseling.  Would he even go?

Post # 22
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with many of the other bees. I just feel that there really shouldn’t be any serious doubts when it comes to “Do I want to marry this person”? Although I must say that sometimes a little case of cold feet is understandable-I don’t think thats what this is.

And that while everyone makes some compromises in relationships, changing who you are (IMO) shouldn’t be one of them. Sure, we should all be trying to be the best person we can be etc. but you should never have to feel that YOU are the problem, or that YOU are not worthy and HAVE TO change. We all have baggage and faults of some sort, but thats a part of what makes us all unique. Please don’t forget who you are. I have (in the past) tried to change for a man only to realize that

1. I really couldn’t

2. I didn’t want to

3. I was fine the way I was

4. He wasn’t worth it

Only you really know what is going on here and what will be best for you and your daughter. I wish you all the best.

 

Post # 23
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

Different people get married for different reasons and I think they are all valid.

However one of the reasons I want to get married is to pool our resources, I want the right to provide for my partner – your guy doesn’t seem to want that and is quite concerned about sharing his money with you.  Why does he want to marry you? 

Post # 24
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m not really sure I would want to marry someone who thinks I can change in 5 years? We all have flaws and are not perfect, but my husband married me that way? I don’t know, I agree, I think you deserve better.  It sounds like he is settling by hoping you will change and you are definitely settling as well.  Good luck to you!

Post # 25
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee

I have to agree with the PP I think the way he handle things was wrong.  He says he love you but also hopes you change into the person he wants you to be.  Love is suppose to be unconditional, it’s obvious he can’t love you for the person you are now so I would consider moving on. I want someone to love me for me and not try and change me.  You deserve someone better someone who will love you for you.

Post # 26
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve always believed, you can’t love who someone is going to be if you don’t love them now. You can’t expect someone to change, you either accept them as is, or you don’t. How would you like it if your daughter (I know she’s way too young so it may be hard to imagine) was dating a boy who told her “you’re not enough for me as you are, but in 5 years you might be”. Would you encourage her to stay in that relationship? That isn’t giving her respect or showing love, it is turning her into a list of reasons why she doesn’t measure up. Your daugher looks up to you & will likely get her example of “good guys” from you.

I’m NOT saying he doesn’t love you, it just seems something’s off. Maybe you two need a break?? It seems like he’s wanting you to pass thru all these tests to prove yourself to him & if you don’t prove yourself, you’re not getting that ring. & if you do pass his tests, than he will gladly stay with you, but he’s not going to provide for your future. For now, he will provide for you, but what about the future?

Marriage should be about building up for each other’s future, supporting & encouraging each other. What happens if you spend the rest of your life there, then something happens & you’re homeless at 60? I’m not saying to demand a part of his house, but where is his heart behind what he’s saying??

EVERYONE matures at different levels. I know people who are 18 that are much more mature than some 30 year olds, I also know some 18 year olds who are more like 12. Saying you will be “mature enough” in so many years isn’t true, you may be perfectly mature he just has crazy standards. Or maybe for you to be at a maturity level he’s ok with, it could take 2 more years, or 5, heck what if its 12?? That doesn’t seem very sweet to me “honey, you’re mature, lets get married!” Sorry, I’m not tryin to be rude, I just strongly dislike it when I hear someone was actually told that. I’m sorry & ya know, maybe he is an awesome guy but I think he needs to mature too & realize that not everyone is after his money.

Post # 27
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

If you have to ask “But do I really want to marry this man is the REAL question…..” then there’s a problem. I think Arachna and Mitla have solid avice/food for thought. Your SO should love you for who you are. I for one would be really distraught about the finances thing. That to me is HUGE and I’m not sure who said it but are you really going to want to “build” a home and life together to have it all given to his kids (not that they shouldn’t benefit) if god forbid something happens and then have to rebuild? Its a tough choice. Good luck!

Post # 28
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

I commented already but thought of something else that is really important.  You said, “I was with a loser from the time I was 16yr. old (which eventually ended in divorce,I’m 34 now)and didn’t know how to act in a “REAL RELATIOSHIP”.  I would look at how much time passed between when your previous marriage ended and this relationship began.  I doesn’t sound like there was there enough time for you, as an adult woman, to figure out how a healthy relationship is supposed to look, feel, or grow.  In some ways, it’s like you’re still 16 – but only because you weren’t able to grow like you would have otherwise all those years you were stuck in this marriage. 

I think now would be an excellent time for you to work on some of that growing and becoming more comfortable with yourself.  It’s a lot harder and slower to try to do it while in a relationship with a man who has his own thoughts and reservations about what you “should” be like.  You might be more savvy than you realize!

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