(Closed) The "Terrible" 1st Year of Marriage

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
2119 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

TheNewMrs13:  1st year is hard because you guys are both working out these “married” expectations that people usually have. Even though we had been together for 7 years before we married there are still things i didnt realize my husband expected from his wife. Its just working out the twerks. For us i hope to god our first year is the hardest… We had to move LDR because of his work (his job is really really stressfull and well im here waiting). Its been really hard on us and mostly him. dont start thinking your husband is unhappy, marriage is work and well work isnt always easy. And it takes a little while to smooth out the road of communication and learn to work together as a team when life throws all these lemons at you. When you have these little arguments stop and think. will this matter in 10 days, 10 months, or even 10 years? prob not. the other day my Darling Husband was stressing over some of the work crew deirnking all his beer. i asked him, is it gunna matter in a few months? then its not worth all the flipping out youre doing .

Post # 17
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We are just over half way into our first year of marriage. All good so far – I just cannot wait to get to the 1 year mark and devour the leftover wedding cake. LOL!

Post # 18
Member
25 posts
Newbee

Without seeing the events first-hand, I only have one piece of advice.  I think that both of you need to know and understand that bringing up a topic as a consequence of another is not a good idea.  If he really has strong feelings about the changes and your change in sensitivity, it needed to be brought up by itself, at the right time.  I would never discourage him bringing it up, just not with something else.  It’s like him yelling at you for not taking out the garbage in response to you yelling at him for something unrelated.  Two wrongs doesn’t make it even, or forgivable.  Tell him to pick his battles, and speak up.  If it’s important, he has to say something.

I had some issues with my Fiance not expressing negative feelings in the relationship.  Ones that he bottled up, and let it affect our relationship.  It was confusing to me because I didn’t understand what was going on.  It was because I didn’t know what he knew.  The reason he held back is because he doesn’t like to talk about feelings for whatever reason, and he was afraid of how I would feel.  The right thing to do is to tell your feelings, no matter what.  If it’s important enough that it’s affecting anything negatively.  He needs to have the expectation of hurting my feelings, and seeing me dislike what he has to say.  But that is no excuse to not tell me.  Sometimes you have consequences, but the latter are far worse, if you bottle it up.

Post # 19
Member
2094 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

TheNewMrs13:  I am ONLY saying this as me and what’s happened with my marriage…or what is currently happening, I should say. 

We have been married 6 months…as of a few days ago. This is THE HARDEST thing I have ever done. I’m 36…dated plenty, spent time (years) single, did things I wanted to do, no kids, never married, in 2 long term relationships…My “Been there, done that” book is pretty full. However, I was not prepared for this. 

Sometimes I feel children are easier b/c they are yours and you are connected to them. Having to be connected to another you share no DNA with has been really hard. We are currently in couples therapy. I will share with you what she has told me:

Adjustments happen in ALL marriages. All of them. No one is immune. It’s what and when these changes take place that are different. She says ours is just taking place within the first year. She said some happen a few years in, when a baby is born, when the 2nd or 3rd, etc is born, when someone goes back to work after staying home, when children leave, etc…I could go on. 

She also said few people talk about it b/c we feel shameful saying that things are not perfect., ok, good, etc. She said plenty will be having a rough time but not admit it or will play it down. I did not expect perfection. I expected to work, to make efforts. This, I did not expect. 

We have had adjustments in communication, feelings, roles, expectations. I still love him but I question divorce a lot. I shared this with her and she said it sounds like it’s overwhelming to me. I agree. And my ammo is when I am overwhelmed…I run. I’m working on “staying”. My husband will stay until forever but he’s working on not putting walls up when he’s angry or hurt. Which only make me want to run. 

On Friday, we got a good article from her and it’s a dynamic that causes breakdown in relationships/marriages. Women are programmed to feel higher levels of stress and alarm. Men are not cut out for this. We like to talk to “warn” about potential threats. Men just spring into action (or non-action) and when they do this it stresses them out. And then they begin to shut-down to get themselves back in alignment. This causes us to feel stressed and that our needs won’t be met, we “alarm”, they go into action, etc…do you see the cycle? Anyway, after a while when he sees he can’t make it perfect, he experiences shame and that keeps him shut-down. This is very true for us. 

Meanwhile, I found a book called “Saving Your Marriage Without Saying a Word”. I immediately downloaded it. It’s along the same lines…which I found ironic b/c the article she gave us wasn’t from there. 

<br />Anyway, we (anyone) can so stuff in our marriage to make it easier for our partner, even if they don’t. This was empowering to learn. I would love my husband to “change” in some ways but he’s his own person and I didn’t marry him to change him…ya know? I need to do it from within. 

The short answer is yes, I think there are adjustments. If you ever need to chat – PM me. I would love another to chat with.

 

Blessings. xo

Post # 20
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We just hit 6 months a couple weeks ago and things have been going really well for us. This is in spite of the fact that we have a lot of upheaval going on, career-wise. The key for us, as a PP mentioned, has been communicating, and I mean reeeally communicating — i.e., not trying to protect one another from less-than-perfect feelings. Being a safe place for the other person to (constructively!) voice frustration or resentment so that it doesn’t bottle up and erupt years down the line, when nothing can be done about it.

OP, I think your marriage is just fine and you two are just working through the end of the honeymoon period. I wouldn’t worry too much but it couldn’t hurt to have slightly more constructive conversations than what you describe. A book we both read shortly after the wedding that has really improved our communication was Marriage Rules by Harriet Lerner. Even if you only ever use one or two of her “rules,” it can make a huge difference in how you treat one another when you’re upset or frustrated. 

Post # 21
Member
2837 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

TheNewMrs13:  I had never heard of the “terrible first year of marriage”— though I can see for couples who are only living together after marriage, were virgins until marriage, recently combined finances— how there might be a lot of adjusting going on, which indeed might make it seem like a terrible first year of marriage.

We were engaged when we were together 10 months, and married 4.5 months later.  We lived together for almost 11 months before we got married.

 

We conbined finances before we were married- and we’ve even parented together before we were married (I have a now 6 year old from a previous relationship who lives with us full time)– we’ve both switched jobs, bought 2 new cars together— we’ve tackled a lot in the short amount of time we’ve been together, and we both agree that it feels like we’ve been together a lot longer than 19 months.

I cannot lie and say that this first 5 months of marriage has been nothing but pure bliss– we are humans!!  We have mostly good times, with a few not-so fun-times sprinkled inbetween.  We love being around each other (sounds simple, but how many couple do you know that really love to always include each other in everything?)– while we love to be around each other, we’re not gross-gooey about it and can easily go off and do our thing, too!

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your husband- I’m sure when he said that– he was just being realistic.  Things do change for some couples– and because he’s a dude (sorry if this sounds sexist!!)– they don’t always think ahead about that kind of stuff.  Obviously it’s normal to turn to WB for advice– I just hope that you’re comfortable enough with your husband, that if you’re truly having doubts– you can get the reassurance that you need from him.

 

Relax….we all second guess sometimes!! xoxo 

Post # 22
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We didnt’ have a terrible first year. Yes we did live together before. However, I recall, when we did move in together there was a honeymoom stage and eventually turmoil ensued on many levels…we argued alot, suddenly I felt very neglected and alone….things were just rough for many months. Maybe it’s the same thing married people who just move in together experience. Anyways, we got past it, grew alot, got married…and here we are. 

As far as the first year of actual marriage…I don’t know, I can relate in that now when we do argue we tend to argue about things that really don’t matter. I mean, in theory one should be able to shrug off slight critisism from their husband….but I am a little sensitive and I probably would have reactied similarly about the veggie thing. My husband thinks i’m too sensitive…that he can’t do say things right sometimes…and I don’t get his humor or when to take constructive critisism with grace. Maybe he’s right….but I always remind him that critisism really kills the mood of the day and really can kill a marriage if it turns into a bad habit….it’s not about “being honest”….it’s about avoiding conflict…biting one’s tounge once and a while if it’s not that big of a deal. Not sure about you but I would rather my husband keep his mouth shut if my mash potatoes are a little to dry….or if his socks aren’t sorted to his liking…lol. 

Don’t take offense…you are his wife now and he just wants to make you happy, not see you fall apart everytime he makes a wrong move…he’s probably still adjusting on how to act now…but remind him it should be no different than befoer and maybe to hold the critisism when possible. 

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