TheNewMrs13: I am ONLY saying this as me and what’s happened with my marriage…or what is currently happening, I should say.
We have been married 6 months…as of a few days ago. This is THE HARDEST thing I have ever done. I’m 36…dated plenty, spent time (years) single, did things I wanted to do, no kids, never married, in 2 long term relationships…My “Been there, done that” book is pretty full. However, I was not prepared for this.
Sometimes I feel children are easier b/c they are yours and you are connected to them. Having to be connected to another you share no DNA with has been really hard. We are currently in couples therapy. I will share with you what she has told me:
Adjustments happen in ALL marriages. All of them. No one is immune. It’s what and when these changes take place that are different. She says ours is just taking place within the first year. She said some happen a few years in, when a baby is born, when the 2nd or 3rd, etc is born, when someone goes back to work after staying home, when children leave, etc…I could go on.
She also said few people talk about it b/c we feel shameful saying that things are not perfect., ok, good, etc. She said plenty will be having a rough time but not admit it or will play it down. I did not expect perfection. I expected to work, to make efforts. This, I did not expect.
We have had adjustments in communication, feelings, roles, expectations. I still love him but I question divorce a lot. I shared this with her and she said it sounds like it’s overwhelming to me. I agree. And my ammo is when I am overwhelmed…I run. I’m working on “staying”. My husband will stay until forever but he’s working on not putting walls up when he’s angry or hurt. Which only make me want to run.
On Friday, we got a good article from her and it’s a dynamic that causes breakdown in relationships/marriages. Women are programmed to feel higher levels of stress and alarm. Men are not cut out for this. We like to talk to “warn” about potential threats. Men just spring into action (or non-action) and when they do this it stresses them out. And then they begin to shut-down to get themselves back in alignment. This causes us to feel stressed and that our needs won’t be met, we “alarm”, they go into action, etc…do you see the cycle? Anyway, after a while when he sees he can’t make it perfect, he experiences shame and that keeps him shut-down. This is very true for us.
Meanwhile, I found a book called “Saving Your Marriage Without Saying a Word”. I immediately downloaded it. It’s along the same lines…which I found ironic b/c the article she gave us wasn’t from there.
<br />Anyway, we (anyone) can so stuff in our marriage to make it easier for our partner, even if they don’t. This was empowering to learn. I would love my husband to “change” in some ways but he’s his own person and I didn’t marry him to change him…ya know? I need to do it from within.
The short answer is yes, I think there are adjustments. If you ever need to chat – PM me. I would love another to chat with.