(Closed) The thing I’m dreading about having a baby: my mother

posted 7 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My mom’s been pretty good since finding out that I’m pregnant. Occasionally, I’ll mention a food item or something and then she’ll launch into it’s good or bad for me. I’m struggling with protein in general and she gave me crap about that. At this juncture, I’ll eat what stays down. I also mention staying out late, etc. She went into the guilt and shaming that it won’t be that way when the baby comes. I’m thinking, right now, let’s enjoy it, and think of the future. I hate when people give you the whole “your life is going to change, etc.” I know it will, but for now, let’s just enjoy the last months of our salad days. I think both of my parents are more excited than I am. I just want to get to 12 weeks and see a healthy baby to really start planning our future.

Post # 4
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m not pregnant, but my Mother-In-Law is kind of like this. I love her to death but her overbearing and obsessive nature can drive me crazy sometimes.

In my experiences, I usually have found what works best is to set very specific limits, let her know exactly what those are/that they are non-negotiable, and stick to them. I think it’s hard for parents to understand that their children are adults and that they may not always know best, but being consistent in your response can help establish some boundaries. Maybe it would also help to just mention it to her in conversation sometime that while you love her and want her to be involved, you feel like she is overstepping her boundaries with all of her suggestions.

Sorry if this isn’t a huge help…but I can definitely relate!

Post # 5
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I can relate somewhat. My Mother has a lot of her own ideas about pregnancy and motherhood. I’ve watched her put my sister through the ringer for years over a lot of her choices. Sometimes I agreed with my Mom, but as long as the children are safe, fed, and healthy, then she’s(my sis) allowed to make whatever choices she wishes. 

I’ve been watching and learning from my sisters mistakes. I tell her NOTHING! LOL. I wait for her to ask and still only give limited information. I don’t volunteer anything that could be critisized or controversial. It has helped a ton.

Post # 6
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@MM423:  I have boundaries with my Mother-In-Law. I don’t know how she’s going to react to our pregnancy honestly. She’s never really been fond of me because of the boundaries and other stuff. I’ve known this for years and maintained a civil relationship with her. I don’t know how she’s going to take the pregnancy announcement since my Darling Husband doesn’t tell her much anyway. I’m more curious to see her reaction than anyone else’s.

Post # 7
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. Though she’s already said that she doesn’t want to be in the delivery room when I have kids. I’m grateful for that. She already has every theory in the world as to why it’s taking me so long to get pregnant to begin with. She has every idea in the world on how my niece and nephew should be raised, and has already picked favorites between the two of them. So sad…

I can definitely relate though! Try to keep info at a minimum, and definitely don’t call her until the baby is out and named!!

Post # 8
Member
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Yikes! We aren’t anywhere near TTC, but we have already talked about my mom. She has awesome intentions, but acts like I am 12 years old sometimes.  She’s always calling to make sure I am sleeping enough, eating enough, etc.  LOL.

Post # 9
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@cascadecherub:  That’s tough, good luck! Hopefully she will just be happy for you. I feel lucky that I do have a great relationship with my Mother-In-Law, but I’m sure there will be a lot of small on-going battles once Darling Husband and I start TTC.

Post # 10
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m not pregnant, but I do have a mom like this.  I think the best approach to limit things you tell her that you don’t want her opinion on.  I’ve definitely learned to censor myself with my mom over the years.  My sister on the other hand tells her everything, and basically my mom makes all her decisions.

when she does speak her mind, just do the nod and smile, haha.  Its not worth arguing over because its already in her head (at least w/ my mom it works that way).  Just take mental note of what she said and do your best to make sure what YOU want happens.  It sounds like you’re doing a good job.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2808 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Ugh get out of my head. I’m not even married yet, but we want to TTC right after the wedding is this is my #1 fear. My Mom can be the most controlling, manipulative person on the face of the earth if she wants to, and boundaries mean nothing to her. She will give you her opinion even if you tell her you don’t want hear it. Shoot me now.

Post # 12
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

OMG, my mom sounds JUST like yours. We will be TTC in a few months and I’m already worried about everything you mentioned.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I simply will not be able to visit her if she freaks out when I’m pregnant. She stresses me out so badly and obviously that’s not good for baby (or my own sanity).

For example, Darling Husband and I had sex when we were 17 (my first and ONLY person).  Almost 6 years later, my mom still cannot get over it.  She talks about how I made a mistake, shouldn’t have “done that” until I was married, and says most women who enjoy sex are either lying or are “whores.”  Yeah.

The worst part is she doesn’t think she does ANYTHING wrong…she’s right because she’s older than me. period.

I agree with @lawschool bride that you just have to set boundaries on things you tell her.

Post # 13
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

🙁 so sorry. I get the normal speeches from my mom about what I should be doing regarding nutrition and labor, oh and she has some wonderful tricks to help my severe morning sickness… did you know a couple saltines would clear that right up? haha I will tell my mom when I’m in labor but then I will avoid her calls I’m sure.

It must be pretty bad if you don’t even want her to know until the baby is born. I think it’s great that you and Darling Husband are sticking up for your wishes and of course choosing your own name. Stick to your guns lady! I hope for your sake she backs off and lets you experience this journey in your own way, not the way she thinks you should.

Post # 14
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m not pregnant, but my mother is already driving me up the wall pushing me to give her grandchildren. She’s anxious, overbearing and a major hypochondriac; she thinks she knows medicine better than doctors and is generally insufferable telling you what to do when you get sick with anything.

I’m adopted, so she was never actually pregnant, but I just know that when Darling Husband and I eventually do have children, she’s going to be reading a ton of pregnancy books and raiding the internet and then telling me everything she thinks I should do even though she’s never been through it herself. I’m going to do my best to keep all conversations away from pregnancy, and if she starts asking Too Much Information questions I’m just going to walk away. I don’t want to play the “you’ve never been pregnant” card because I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I know it will cross my mind an awful lot.

So, like you, she will 100% not be allowed anywhere near me when I’m in labor!

Post # 15
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@abbyful:  I’m not even pregnant yet and I think you just gave me a glimpse into my future…my mother is the #1 reason why I am nervous to someday have a baby. Even delivery seems more welcome than mama drama!

My mother is very much the same way and has already said somethings that have made me really upset in regards to having a baby and have also freaked Fiance out. Since she acted like a crazy in front of us both, we have agreed that I will either 1. schedule a c section and not tell anyone when it is (my idea) or 2. call everyone AFTER the baby is born (his idea). I might not even tell my family and his (since he has some crazies too) the real due date. (ex: If I’m due in May I’ll tell everyone June so everyone can brace themselves for that month while he and I can quietly focus on the real month. Although not everything happens according to plan!)

I’m lucky my mom lives pretty far away. I just worry that she’ll take like…a month off of work and show up at my door so she can ‘monitor  everything’ when she knows the due date is coming. She has told me that when I have a baby, it really will be HER baby, because if SHE never had ME…then I wouldnt be here to have a baby.

Thanks mom, I didnt choose to be born.

I am cringing for you. Hopefully she will calm down, or you and your Darling Husband can come up with a plan to keep her away from the hospital until you are ready for her to be there!! I know personally, the best thing I ever did to make my mom stop controlling certain things was to limit what I tell her. She barely knows anything about the wedding and it’s been a lot easier this way. I’ll most likely do the same with a pregnancy.

Post # 16
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Talk about a buzz kill:( My mother’s not as bad, but she’s pretty judgemental these days. I’m 100% set on getting an epidural and she still thinks they’re the same as they were 20 years ago and will say things like, “I can’t believe you’re doing that! It’s going to ruin the baby!” She was trying to convince me that episiotomies are way better to have and easier to recover from than normal tearing. I tell her I want a big family (4 children) and she’ll say that’s irresponsible and that I would be over populating the world. She’ll judge anyone that she sees in public b/c they have more than 2 children…did I mention that she has 3? She says that I should refuse if my doc wants to induce me, give a c-section, use a vaccuum…etc. But I trust doctor’s more than my judgement so I told her straight up that I’ll do whatever they tell me. They’re the experts, not me!

I think you have to set up some boundries and maybe not tell her all of your plans (I know it’s hard to do since she’s your mom), but it might give you some peace.

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