Post # 1
So…while my boyfriend and I have talked often about our intent to marry and there isn’t really any doubt that marriage is in our future, we haven’t really talked about the “timeline” for engagement, wedding, etc.
My boyfriend is really easy to talk to and just amazing all around but I just can’t seem to bring it up. I think the communication issue is with me – as many, many, eons (lol) ago, my kids’ dad and I were engaged but never married…he didn’t want to and made me feel like I pressured him into even being together. I shouldn’t let that affect my current relationship, but it does sometimes.
Anyway, any ideas of how to bring up the timeline discussion and what to say? I planned to do it today but literally couldn’t speak. I feel like I’ve temporarily misplaced all of my communication skills.
Post # 3
I just blubbed one day. Just came out in a very non diplomatic way. Was a long the lines of “when are we getting married?” I was too nervous to mention it any other way. Like you, I felt lost as to how to communicate it. Hope you find the strength! Best of luck 🙂
Post # 4
I told my SO that it was was 21st Century and I didn’t think it was fair that it should be up to one person in the relationship to decide when that step gets taken.
So we discussed it. I really don’t think it’s fair that the man should make the decision alone. It’s very old fashioned in my opinion. It’s my life too and I would like a say in something as huge as marriage and when it’s going to happen.
So maybe that’s something you can mention to him? You don’t have to be pushy about it, just matter-of-fact. I was very glad we had that conversation. Now I’m just waiting because he still wants to surprise me 🙂 But it’s a good, excitied, happy waiting. Not a stressed one because I know it IS going to happen soon (just don’t know exactly when – eeep! 😀 😀 hehe.)
Post # 5
I was a little blunt in the end. I had skirted around it for a long time and eventually I just said – give me a timeline – I am going crazy and it’s not fair. I got one – now just have to see if he sticks to it 🙂
Post # 6
What did it for me? “I know you said you see us getting married one day – but when? When do you see that happening?”
Post # 7
I cheated. One day I decided I didn’t need a wedding and told him while we were cuddling: “we should get married, let’s forget about bachelor parties and bridal showers and just go to the city hall and get married” he let it go, we didn’t mentioned it again.. a month later he proposed!
Post # 8
I asked my BF to map out the next 5 years of our lives together. Not just engagement/marriage, but what we’d both be doing after graduation, where to live, would we be working on kids at that point, etc.
“Where do you think we’ll be in 3 (or 5, 10, whatever) years?” lets him think, well, 3 years from now is the end of 2014, I’d like to already be married to her by then. Hmm, maybe I should get to work on that!
Post # 9
We always made little comments about “when we get married,” etc., and one day after he did that, I said, “In all seriousness, can we talk about this for a moment? When would you like to be engaged/married?” It was really easy to segue into it, because he’d just brought it up, albeit jokingly 😉 We came up with a general timeline of life events and when we’d like them to happen — engagement, wedding, house, child, etc. So perhaps next time one of you makes a wedding or marriage comment, you can do it then. 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 10
I just say it (and have broken down a couple times on bad days). It’s much better to be diplomatic, but I really suck at that part! lol.
It sounds like your SO would have no problem with you asking outright. I say go for it and just ask him for a timeline!
Post # 11
We’ve talked about our timeline on several occasions. Sometimes I bring it up when we’re already discussing our future and sometimes I blurt it out without much of a segue.
Seems like it wouldn’t really matter how it’s brought up since you say your boyfriend is easy to talk to (love that!) so don’t worry, just bring it up. If it makes you more comfortable, maybe wait until you’re next discussing marriage and the future. Good luck!
Post # 12
You could always start with the old, “I see myself spending the rest of my life with you..” and see where that goes! That’s basically how my boyfriend and I started to talk about our timeline.
Post # 13
I love this thread 🙂 I am in a similar situation to you… I want it to happen soooo badly but he seems so laid back about it all and I feel like he hasn’t even thought about it that much. I actually brought it up ‘jokingly’ the other day.. he received a text message from his best friend announcing his engagement. I am happy for them but it annoyed me because my SO and I have been together 4 times as long as they have… (us 4 years and them 1 year :|… ) So when we read the text I winged and said “when am I getting my ring?” It didn’t go down well.. he got alll weird about it and didn’t even want to talk about it. I got really upset about it 🙁
He felt guilty later and said…”you don’t need a ring on your finger to know that I am madly in love with you”.. I guess that was nice to hear but at the same time.. I WANT MY RING !!!
Post # 14
@kfiorita: LOL I’m sorry about that. Looks like you and your guy need to have a talk to straighten out some things like what the ring means to you or him.
To the OP, good luck! Don’t worry about him feeling pressured, from what I understand this relationship is clearly different. I second PPs answers, and especially like the idea of asking where he wants to be in 3,5,x years (i will do that too!)
My boyfriend doesn’t like planning things ahead of time, so it’s trickier with him… I’ve tried asking him for a timeline but he just says something vague and gives me his mona lisa smile, lol. I know he’ll propose 95% next year, so I’m not worried. But I do wish he gave me a timeline or just GIVE ME THAT DARN RING ALREADY! 🙂 LOL
Post # 15
lol I get what you mean, sometimes your put in hard positions and ur always confused and ahh! Well in the very begining– a year after my and my Fiance were together, I was thinking to myself ” when the hell are we gonna start making things official” – I was getting really tired of waiting honestly and I dont wanna just ‘ wait’ till he says something, so I made it very clear to him with what i wanted. I told him ” I dont like walking in the dark blind folded not knowing where Im going..” and how I need to know where were going and when hes gonna take a step forward.. bawsically the next day we made plans for him to meet up with my parents and ask for my hand. Sometimes u just gotta do what you gotta do really..
Post # 16
Good question. I would bring it up gradually over time. Mention small things here and there…like make comments about a wedding show, or a friend getting married. Say things like “you’re the only one I want,” “you’re all I need,” and “I can’t see myself with anyone else.” Then after a few weeks of bringing it up so it’s not quite so taboo, and reassuring him that he’s the one…ease into the conversation. Maybe ask him if he sees you together forever, if he ever thinks about marriage and having a family, and where he sees you two in 2, 3, 5 years. It’s important to gauge the timeframe in his head, or at least to get him to think about how soon he’d feasibly be ready. Ask him if he’s happy in your relationship and if he wants it to last forever. Tell him you hope to be married to him one day in the not too distant future.
One trick is to just tell him these things are on your mind, and he doesn’t have to answer them right away but that you want him to think about it and you guys can talk once he’s had a chance to give it some thought. This takes some of the pressure off.
Just a few ideas 🙂 good luck!