(Closed) The ultimate guest sin – what to do?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I guess I don’t understand why you won’t go if the bro doesn’t go?  I get you won’t know anyone but still, if you want to go, go.  All the weddings I’ve gone to I didn’t know anyone.  Free food, drinks and cake, wouldn’t matter to me!!  Just dance the night away.

Post # 4
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Yeah, could you please give some more info?  I’m also confused about why you wouldn’t go if the brother doesn’t go?

Post # 6
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If you were invited then go

Post # 7
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i think you need to make this choice independent of whether or not the brother goes and stick with it.  if it were my wedding, and someone canceled because their brother canceled at the last minute, it would upset me. 

Post # 8
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think if you say yes, you need to go regardless of FI’s brother’s decisions. Your actions are separate from his. If you want to go to this nice wedding, then you need to be fair and committ to going.

Post # 9
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Go if you want to go. Don’t base your happiness around your BIL–I’m sorry to put it that way, but you are probably enabling his behavior by cancelling your plans because he has a panic attack or just doesn’t want to do something. Your family can take care of him if that happens.

Post # 10
581 posts
Busy bee

Think about going, taking pictures and then sharing the events of the day with him.  Not going should not be an option unless you are ill.  You have your spouse so you are not alone.  I’m sure you’ll meet some lovely people.  We have, at the weddings we’ve attended.

Post # 11
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Personally I think you should rsvp yes and just go, no matter what DH’s brother does–you can be kind and supportive toward him without shelving your social life. He shouldn’t be ruling your lives.

But most importantly, don’t rsvp yes if you know you won’t go. Decide NOW that you will go no matter what, or that you most likely won’t go, and then rsvp accordingly.

Post # 12
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

Can you explain your situation to the family? We had a few people say to us that they wanted to come and would try to, but due to illness (many of them have cancer) they weren’t sure they’d make it. We understood, and since we really wanted them there, we just paid for them to be there. Most of them ended up not making it, but it was still worth it to me to pay for their meals just in case.

Post # 13
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I have a loved one with an anxiety disorder so I know how tough this can be to deal with.

I think your BIL needs to take responsibility for himself.  You can see how this is going to go down from a mile away, why can’t he?  Why would he put you guys in that position again and again?  Maybe your husband should say something to him…. like, “you know, we’ve noticed these situations seem really stressful for you, I’m sure no one would mind if you want to sit this one out, really, it’s ok.”  Then if BIL still insists he’s going and RSVP’s yes, maybe you guys let him know ahead of time that you and Darling Husband will be attending the wedding even if he ends up “deciding not to” (aka wigging out at the last minute).  I think by staying back with him over and over, it may be a little enabling.  He has a tough issue to deal with, and he deserves sympathy, but he’s not a 2 year old and once he decides not to go, he should be able to calm himself down.  If it’s not so bad he needs to go to the hospital, then he doesn’t need to be babysat all night at the expense of making you and Darling Husband look like flaky jerks.

From personal experience, it’s really hard to figure out the right way to be supportive without getting “sucked in.”  I think there’s a balance.  You won’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do (drag him to the wedding if he’s freaking out) – but you still have to live your own life (as in, show up at a wedding that you said you would be at). 

He bears some responsibility in managing this, even if it just means avoiding situations that experience has shown will trigger an attack.  If he can get more/different therapy, I can’t believe that would make no difference at all.  Same with meds – there HAS to be something out there that will at least take the edge off.  It can take years of work, and trial and error, but help is out there.

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