Post # 1
I am in a dilemma…I (the bride) have a huge family, both my mother and father have 5 siblings, who all have kids, and then there is another round of kids…aka second cousins, all of whom I am very close to ( with a few exceptions) for a grand total of 100 people of wich I can expect most to come. My FH has a smaller family, and most live internationally and will be getting an invite, be we know that they will not be making the trip. All of my FH family, up to second cousins is invited to the wedding, but most wont be attending. His mother …yup you heard me right…has added others who she wants invited on to the list…of whom neither myself or my FH will know who they are at our wedding, but the numbers are still skewed to my invite list simply because of the size of my family and few close friends. WE both decided that we wanted close family and friends at our wedding and that it was our wedding, not our parents ( we are no Spring Chickens ) but now there will be people there that we dont know.
My FH wants me to cut out Family members on my list so that random friends of his mothers can be invited so our numbers are 50/50. He thinks his parents and family will be offended that I have a larger represntation at the wedding. we have a Limit of 150 people. I didnt want to invite kids(except babies that couldn’t be away from their mother’s) and his mom wanted kids…I conceeded to that request, but it added about 15 more people to my list and only 3 to FH list, had kids not be invited, there would be more wiggle room. But I feel strongly that if all kids from one side of the family are invided then all kids on both sides need to be invited.
Anyways, this has caused a BIG problem…and my feelings are that everyone in my FH Family will be invited and it is not my fault that they wont be coming and that his side will be “under represented” BUT that I should not have to cut out my family members simply to make sure it is 50/50…because then my family will be like “how come cousin soandso wasn’t invited” but people the bride and groom don’t know are here”??
thanks for listening to my rant…oh By The Way FH mom thinks that our wedding is her social event BUT…my dad is footing the majority of the cash.
any thoughts or insigt to this situation would be great.
Post # 3
I don’t have any good advice. My brother and SIL had this issue, but she was the one with a small family and nobody seemed to care. In the end, you’re family will be his family so I feel like it makes sense that they get invited.
Post # 4
Talk to your Fiance. Explain that the two of you wanted close family and friends at your wedding and you are fighting to make sure that happens and he now wants to accomidate people you don’t know and that isn’t what you wanted for your wedding. Why does he feel that invitations should be 50/50? Ask him how he would feel if his realatives weren’t invited because your Mom wanted to invite people you haven’t met?
Do you have space restrictions on your venue? Do you have budget restrictions? I’m assuming yes to both questions. Use that as a reason not to invite people. We calcuated the cost per person (food, drinks, linens, centerpiece, cake, invitations) – basically anything that varried per person. And we used that as a measure to determine if people were worth an invite. Ex – Is FI’s fraternity brother from 20 years ago that he hasn’t seen in 10 years worth paying $x per person. Most of the time the answer was no, and we moved on.
Post # 5
Yea I’m not sure why he feels that the invites have to be 50/50. Sometimes people just have larger families than others. The wedding is largely my family, Fiance is an only child with a step brother, no grandparents and few aunts and uncles. Am I supposed to trim my guest list because he doesn’t have the guests to fill his side? That’s ridiculous.
Post # 6
I’m confused as to why Fiance and his mom thinks the guest list has to be 50/50. I have a much larger family than Fiance and I have a lot more family friends than FI’s mom (She’s “socially unacceptable”). Because of that, my list is a lot bigger than FI’s side. Unless Future Mother-In-Law is paying for a good chunk of the wedding, I wouldn’t let her boss you around as to who gets invited. Good luck!
Post # 7
I agree with the previous posters – it doesn’t have to be 50/50! I’m only close with a very small portion of my family so I’m inviting about 20 people for our wedding of around 70. The rest are mutual friends and FI’s family. I’m fine with it. Just don’t have specific sides during the ceremony, let people sit wherever they want and it will even out.
Post # 8
@iheartnerds: thanks! I really want to mingle the guests together and not have a his side her side set up at the reception. I think it will make the “uneveness” less noticeable.
Post # 10
I detest the 50/50 obsession. My husband felt really upset and worried when he realized his family outnumbered mine by almost 4:1, and they were not paying. It’s not anyone’s fault that they come from a bigger family. My family is tiny and that’s just the way it is!
I would be frustrated too. Hang in there. I agree with the ‘mingling’ of the guests, we did this and several people really liked the people they met. I especially don’t think this request should be made if your family is footing the majority of the bill.
It seems like the guest list is always an area of complaint for parents that aren’t allowed to run the show. Try your best to show them that although the NUMBERS aren’t equal, the family relations are equal (e.g. we decided not to invite any great uncles/great aunts, and when some people complained we explained that this was done across the board with all families as we wanted to keep the wedding small).
Post # 11
My family is WAY bigger (and more complicated) than my husbands. We did our list by degree of relationship, and he got to take off anyone on his side that he didn’t want to invite (my extended family is also closer than his). Family, close friends, and close family friends were invited on both sides but were by no means equal.
Post # 12
What an annoying dillemma, I’m sorry you have to deal with it. I think a bunch of other bees gave good advice, and then you can also take into account that YOUR family is footing most of the bill, so technically, when you get down to it, YOUR family is “entitled” to a larger guest list… (Though I know when one whips out the “technically” reasons, things get impersonal and there can be even more problems.)
Post # 13
I personally think that if your soon to be mother in law wants to invite random people then she should pay for those people. It’s not ok to even think you should compromise any of your family members.
Post # 14
It is NOT your fault that #1 his family is smaller than yours, and #2 that some of his family will not make the trip. That’s ridiculous to lower your side’s numbers because of factors you cannot control!
I say as long as you followed BASIC etiquette (you invited your great aunts and unlces, so he invites his, too) then that should be fine.
If your MIL-to-be wants to foot hte bill for her friends that you don’t even know, let her. YOUR wedding. NOT hers.
Post # 15
I wish it was that easy as my Mother-In-Law paying for the extra guests…she has offered but We have a strict number, and anymore would mean a larger tent (mucho dinero) and as I am doing ALL of the planning myself ( including purchasing plates, glasses, linens and silverware) any extra people means more work for me as everything is already purchsed for our MAX number of people. I do think the subject has been dropped and FH might be realizing his position is wrong.
thanks bee’s for your support/advice/reassurance.
Onward with the planning…Invitation design!