(Closed) The unexpected ways marriage changes things…

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Totally, all of my single friends don’t ever call anymore to invite me out.  My side of the family has been OK with the additional family dynamic but DH’s side is feeling it because we are now spending some of the holiday’s with my side and having to share things like Christmas where they always had him for 100% of the holidays.

I think the part that bothers me the most is my friends – we more or less hang out with only his friends now as they are all married / coupled up.  There is also a bit of an age difference between my single friends and his friends so it doesn’t make it easy to combine.  I am a four years older my my Darling Husband and my friends are a few years older than me which makes for a BIG age gap between the two groups of friends.  Although I miss spending time with them I wouldn’t change marrying him – I just wish it was easier to have it all.

I didn’t think anything would change between my Darling Husband and I when we got married but the ‘feeling’ did change – we are forever now – and I love that feeling – if that makes sense.

Post # 4
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I haven’t noticed any changes yet, except that the dynamics of my friendships with guys have changed a bit–it’s hard to say how, but it’s different. They all know my hubby and really like and respect him, so I guess you could say there’s a little more “distance” there. My single friends still call me to hang out, though, so there’s not much of a drop-off there.

I can really relate to this: It’s interesting, because I assumed either I or Darling Husband would be the ones changing… yet it feels everything else is shifting around us (as we stay fixed).

Post # 5
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’ve haven’t noticed any differences… I’ve always been pretty socially independent of Darling Husband, so I still hang out with my single friends all the time.

I have noticed that sometimes when two people couple up, they expect to be invited out together all the time, and bring their SO with them everywhere. Those are the friends that I’m more hesitant to call up, because who wants to be a third wheel?

I know one couple that always invited me to do things with them, but every time I accepted it was just them + ME. Then they would constantly ignore me and get all smoochy-smoochy right in my face. It was really downright rude of them. I now decline all invitations unless I know I’m not the only person they invited.

Post # 6
Member
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Yes, absolutely. I’ve noticed since we got married and especially bought a house that my family is taking me more seriously (I’m the youngest kid of four, so you can imagine what kind of dynamic that lends). I like to think that they see us in our relationship and how loving and responsible we are together, and they feel proud. *shrug* I dunno. I think DH’s family is still working things out because they were always the most focused on (his older sister is married with four kids), and now he’s a married man with obligations that don’t include them. It’s really interesting.

I haven’t really seen anything different with my friends…probably because most of them are married or in serious relationships.

Post # 7
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can totally relate to this!!

It’s interesting, because I assumed either I or Darling Husband would be the ones changing… yet it feels everything else is shifting around us (as we stay fixed).

I thought that maybe its beacsue my hubbys family is alot older than mine (he is the youngest of 4, but his brother is 25 years older than him) and they treat us differently, perhaps becasue we are so much younger than them.

My parents, expecially my mom, has had a really hard time with me getting married. I think she thinks she “lost me” beacsue I have my own little family now! The dynamic of the realtionship doesnt acutally have to change, but I am not sure she sees it that way.

I am SOOOOOOOOO glad someone posted on this becasue I thought it was just me!! Thanks Bees

 

Post # 8
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I totally agree.  I kinda feel like my family thinks they have the right to comment on our relationship now that we’re married, where they didn’t before.  It’s weird.  My husband travels all the time for work.  Nobody cared when we were just dating, but now that we’re married, I CONSTANTLY hear things from my grandparents about how awful it is that he travels for work.  Why would my 85-year-old grandfather even care about this?  I just say, “In this economy, we both feel very blessed that he has a job at all.” But still.  I find it very strange.

Post # 9
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think for me, what was really weird, and a bit sad, was the first time my mum came over to my house after the wedding. Before the wedding i lived by myself but she’d come often (from abroad) and would stay for a few weeks at a time. So it was kind of her house too. But after the wedding, she came over for a week and it was SO awkward, as if it was a stranger’s house, like she asked if she could get something from the kitchen etc.

It made me really sad because I want her to ALWAYS feel like my house is her house, just like she’s always made me welcome home even after I left.

Post # 10
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Oh how I can relate to this post – even after only being married 1 month! 

I feel like my side of the family adjusted well to the idea that we’re married – although my mom had her initial rough spot right before the wedding, but it quickly went away.  His family on the other hand, oh dear, not so good! I just posted about his mother yesterday and how awkward she has become. 

I don’t understand why it gets hard for other people.  I feel like it should be a good thing to gain a family member.  Not a negative thing thinking they’ve lost one.  

My friends have been awesome though! We go out with other couples – we don’t really have any single friends.  Most of them are engaged anyways so they all knid of look to us for advice 🙂 

Post # 11
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think it’s good to gain someone as well.  My family has been more than excepting of Darling Husband while DH’s mom has not.  Their relationship has gone to nothing.  She made him choose, cut him out of the will because he chose me and does not talk to him.  With the exception of a phone call yesterday about a family members health, she has not picked up the phone since mid ’09?  Sad.  She sees it as losing her son instead of gaining a daughter.  She acts like I don’t exsist and keeps making ridiculous gestures to leave me out.  Because of her actions we’ve pulled away greatly from that part of his family.  His dad on the other hand (they are divorced) has been way more involved in our lives since the wedding- Darling Husband did not grow up very close to dad.  My relationship with my dad and that side of the family has grown since I’ve been with Darling Husband.

As for friendships, well they are far and few between for me as it is.  I definitely know in the first year of marriage for us, I wanted to spend as much time as I could with Darling Husband.  That meant I stopped doing any form of working out 🙁  Ooops!  Now, I still want to hang out with Darling Husband 24/7 but I need to be the best I can be not for me but for us as well.  Darling Husband has guys night every week and I am just as happy as I can be staying home and doing my own thing.  I do get weird comments about being away from DH; once my coworker and I were supposed to go to a conference for work and stay at a hotel- she asked if Darling Husband would be okay with that and if we could be away from each other and she was not kidding.  The wedding Darling Husband was Bridesmaid or Best Man in- we didn’t hear from that couple (or get a response about hanging out) for over a year.  

Post # 12
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I know that feeling.. I have been married for three years. I moved two hours away from my family after I married my husband. We decided to eloped. My family didn’t find out until a month later in the newspaper. It put a strain on my relationship with my mother for a long time. After the birth of my two little boys things are now starting to get better. As for my DH’s side well I moved in with his family..so can you say awkward. So for the first two years it was rough on me being without my side of the family. But my Mother-In-Law eventually became one of my best friends..unfortunately she passed away last june of breast cancer..and I miss her dearly. As for my friends my best friend back home I don’t talk to that much anymore since we are both married and live in different cities. And my friendships here have gotten stronger I guess because we all go to church together and have kids the same ages.

Post # 13
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can totally relate.. Our single friends don’t really call anymore either, it’s so sad!We still call but always get the feeling we’re being put off.. We’ve always done independent things with our single friends but since the wedding it’s like they think we’re off limits. 🙁

Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve never really had any close guy friends other than coworkers, so that hasn’t changed at all. I’ve always been kind of a homebody, so even in my single days I didn’t go out for crazy party nights with my girlfriends and instead opted for brunches, dinners and shopping trips. So that’s stayed the same. But like I complained a while ago, my GF’s actually started to invite my Darling Husband out to girls nights! I think they think I WANT him to come, but in reality (love you DH) I really need my girl time, which only happens a couple times a month in all honesty. I had to have a talk with my one friend, because it was actually making Darling Husband feel uncomfortable having to turn her down (because he knows how much I love girl time and doesn’t want to impose) and the other got the drift on her own.

Our families are pretty much the same, I didn’t really meet DH’s family until right before we got engaged so the dynamic has always been the same. And my family treated my Darling Husband as if he were their son-in-law from day 1, although now my mom feels more comfortable emailing Darling Husband without copying me now that we’re married.

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